Do gay married couples ever use the terms husband and wife? Or would both see themselves, and identify themselves to others, as husbands? In the marrriage ceremony would there be a bride and groom or two grooms? (Edit: clearly I wrote the foregoing with men in mind but the same questions apply, suitably altered, to female gay married partners.)
BTW no disrespect intended at all here. This is simply about word usage, long a passion of mine.
Every couple I know uses the terms normally used for their genders: two brides, two grooms, two husbands, two wives… why would they do any differently?
One of my friends is planning to get married to his boyfriend, unequivocally there will be two grooms and he’ll then refer to his partner as his husband, likewise his partner will also call him his husband.
This opinion piece on the use of ‘husband’ and ‘wife’ in gay marriage might be of interest.
^ this has also been my experience.
Which makes sense to me.
In all the diversity of human existence, I wouldn’t be surprised to find that there’s some gay couple somewhere who has chosen that one of them would be called “wife”, but such a case would probably be closer to transgenderism than to homosexuality.
I’ve referred to my sister’s partner as her wife (and my sister-in-law) long before they were legally wed. If they ain’t married, I don’t know anyone who is.
I’ve seen ‘‘partner’’ used by gay couples, and also by married heterosexual couples in solidarity, but the actual married gay people I know use ‘‘husband’’ or ‘‘wife’’ based on gender.
Ergo, my best friend refers to her wife as her wife, and my best friend’s wife refers to my best friend as her wife. Wives all around.
I suggest “partner” or “spouse” as gender-neutral words for married people, but I definitely have heard a lesbian refer to her partner as “my wife” more than once.
Suggest for whom or for what purpose? Is there some problem with me calling my husband “husband?” Who needs a gender-neutral word and why?
Well, there’s the fact that not everyone identifies as either male or female.
But generally, I see ‘‘partner/spouse’’ in academic circles where it’s meant in solidarity to LGBTQ people, especially prior to them having the legal right to marry. The idea, I guess, was breaking past the expectation that a woman’s partner would by default be a ‘‘husband’’ and a man’s partner would be default be a ‘‘wife.’’ The word ‘‘partner’’ causes one to stop and think about basic assumptions we make about what makes a couple.
I’ve seen a similar sort of thing with trans allies. There’s an employee at my job who has She/her/hers as part of her e-mail signature. I don’t believe she is trans (though she definitely has a wife, so she is a lesbian), she’s just pointing out that gender identity based on biological sex is not a default thing for some people. Maybe her wife is trans, I dunno.
FWIW I’m straight and I always say husband in reference to my husband. But if I’m getting to know someone I might ask them, ''What does your partner do?" prior to having gender confirmation. ‘‘Partner’’ has also been really common prior to gay marriage being legalized because ‘‘husband’’ had a legal association. So it was very common for long-term live-in gay couples who were effectively married to refer to their ‘‘partners.’’ It implied more seriousness than ‘‘boyfriend’’ but not the legal connotation of ‘‘husband.’’
My husband says ‘‘spouse’’ because he thinks the word sounds funny. So, it’s not always that deep.
I’m gay and have been married for 3 years, civil unioned before that for 7 years. Both my husband and I refer to each other as husband most of the time. Sometimes, when I’m not sure about the attitude of a stranger I may be talking to, I will talk about my partner. A nice, gender-free cop out I know, but it’s 60 years of conditioning trying to be brought up to date by 3 years of legal same sex marriage.
My husband and I were “partners” for 28 years, until we got married last year, at which point we became “husbands.” That’s the case with every other gay male couple we know. I guess there are some men who identify with traditional female roles and refer to themselves as “wives,” but they’re probably a tiny minority. I also assume that although most married lesbians call each other “wives,” there are probably a minority of couples in which one is a “husband.”
While we’re here, is there a standard convention for referring to same sex parents, at least, when it is necessary to distinguish them? Or is it, as I suspect, just something that is done differently in each situation?
I don’t see why there would be a convention - there’s no convention for the similar situation with grandparents. Most kids I’ve known refer to their grandmothers differently, and in one family it may be “Grandma” and “Grandma Mary” and another might be “Meema” and “Nonna”.
It can get even more complicated when transgender parents get involved. I was at a wedding recently where one attendee introduced herself as the father of the groom.
I have to confess that I had to smile at this line from that piece. Please don’t ask me why…
The bottom line: Don’t ask a same-sex couple who is the “husband” or the “wife.”
Well said. But I would add that gender-neutral are an attempt to push back against background sexism and encourage inclusiveness. For example, saying “There’s a picnic on Saturday at the Fire Department, and all the firemen are invited to bring their wives.” sends the message that, if you want to fight fires, you have to be a straight cis man, preferably married. But you could just as easily say “There’s a picnic on Saturday at the Fire Department, and all the firefighters are invited to bring their spouses.” That way, even someone who is a woman, or LGBTQ, won’t be excluded. And if you also want to be inclusive of people who aren’t married, change it to say “…invited to bring their partners (if any).”
That’s rather more Captain Magenta than The Grapist