I have two daughters; the older just turned 8 a couple of weeks ago. I’ll call her Vicki.
Vicki is, about 75% of the time, a fairly normal kid. She’s in 2nd grade, has some friends, loves to ice skate and play board games, reads Harry Potter and the Narnia books, likes to be helpful when it suits her, and gets along as well as can be expected with her 5 1/2-yr-old sister. She has a great sense of humor.
The other 25% of the time, she gets into deep, unpleasant funks. Typically these are set off by little things – being admonished (lightly) for misbehavior, or having trouble with piano practice, or just about anything not going exactly like she wants it to. She’ll storm away from all human contact, and only communicate through notes.
What’s disturbing, and really the reason I’m writing this, is that the most common message in those notes is “I hate myself,” sometimes along with “I’m stupid.” She most certainly is NOT stupid, and I can’t imagine where that notion comes from. She’s one of the smarter kids in her class, and we’re always happy to praise her hard work and good outcomes from that work. Her home life has no obvious stresses, except perhaps that her sister is precocious and better behaved, and so gets fewer admonishments/punishments for poor behavior.
When I try to get her to open up about why she hates herself, she refuses. She claims not to know. “I just do,” she’ll say. “I don’t know why.” She just gets more upset if I press her. I try to narrow it down with questions, like “Is it something at school?” “Is it something mom or I am doing?” At best, occasionally, I’ll get a “sort of” answer to one of these, but never anything more, and she steadfastly refuses to say anything else. She just hides under blankets, sucking her thumb and giving surliness to anyone who tries to draw her out.
She’s been doing this, off an on, for at least two years. Best case I can see, this is just some sort of attention-seeking behavior, and that ignoring it will make it go away. Worst case is some kind of real psychological problem that will only be made worse by ignoring it, and could lead to self-destructive behaviors later in childhood.
How can I know which it is?
Thanks for your time.