Mind you, I’ve seen a number of these actually gamed at miniatures conventions. Some are more pointless than others…
At the tactical level, at least, a Poland 1939 game doesn’t have to be nearly the walkover that’s often depicted. The “charging tanks with lances” myth has been discussed here before. The Poles weren’t really technologically outclassed by the Germans, so much as their commanders were unprepared to face the Blitzkrieg doctrine. Remember that France and the BEF lasted less than a week longer than Poland alone did against a German offensive.
I’ll add to this thread: Tsushima 1905! – Fill the epaulets of Admiral Rozhestvensky in this simulation that brings to life the old saying about “hours of boredom punctuated by moments of sheer terror”! Open your game with a thrilling, if pointless, attack on British trawlers in the North Sea, which might precipitate a war with Britain! Then relax and ward off bouts of suicidal depression as you sail around the world (maximum time compression of 1000:1 makes it fly by in a mere 5 hours playing time) into the massed broadside of a Japanese fleet that is newer, better trained, and not seasick.
Some friends of mine for some reason decided to play the Russians in the actual battle at a miniatures convention. With a “we have nothing to lose” attitude, they actually had a blast trash-talking to the Japanese players as one Russian ship after another went up in flames. They were commended by the referee afterward for not being beaten quite as badly as the historical Russians, and for actually having convinced some of the rookie Japanese players that the outcome was in doubt.
Or how about Besieged ™, a game of hunger, sickness, terror, incoming missiles (varying from the decapitated heads of your loved ones who tried to keep your communication lines open to balls of fire, rocks and shells to a gigantic wooden badger) and bone-headed generalship through the ages. From pre-history to Stalingrad only the fine detail changes.
Thrill to the moment when the final breach in the defence and the game ends. Can be linked to our new release Rape and Pillage ™ (adults only) for the complete Siege game experience…
Ancient Warfare! Play the first-person shooter from before it was possible to shoot. Special realism algorithms ensure that you are more likely to die of disease than battle.
The Cod War! Ramming speed ahead! Will you be the pride of the English fleet? Or the wily underdogs of the Icelandic Coastal Patrol? No matter! Tons of fun in this game where for political reasons, no shots can ever be fired on an enemy ship.
Korea: You start with nothing until you get your ass kicked down to Pusan, then you recklessly go charging up the peninsula until your forces are so strung out you get kicked back to where you started. Players must play while sitting on a 50 Lb block of ice. Game is over when the block of ice melts or you freeze your ass off.
Vietnam: Rules of the game become more and more obscure. Video becomes increasingly fuzzy until you end up shooting everything. You build up men and materials while sinking deeper and deeper into the quagmire. 25 years later you find politicians arguing over who served with honor and who weaseled out. There are no winners but there sure are a heck of a lot of losers.
Red River 1870: All the thrills of road-building and bushwacking in Canada’s trackless wilderness as Colonel Garnet Wolseley:
- Thrill to meetings with the Commissariat Department, Commissariat Staff Corps, Purveyors Department, Military Store Department and Barrack Department as you prepare your expedition!
- Feel your pulses race in the real-time gameplay as you wait for the ice to break up on the Great Lakes (game opens Jan 1, 1870, expedition leaves May 5, 1870)
- First-person 3D interface console oxcart driving simulation so real, you'll think you were actually travelling upwards of .7 mph!
- Spend four months fighting mosquito and black fly, only to arrive at Fort Garry, to find your quarry, Louis Riel, has fled! Can you keep Peace, Order and Good Government? Of course, this is Canada. What a question!
Coming Soon: Red River II: Swingin’ Louis’ Revenge: This Time It’s Personal!
I know this isn’t GQ or GD, but I can’t let this one pass without comment. Belgrano was a warship, at sea, that at the very least posed a potential threat to a fleet operating at the end of a very long supply line.
It might not have been “sporting”, or a fair fight, for a modern nuclear submarine to sink a WW2-vintage cruiser, but as General Sherman said: “War is all hell”. You don’t want your tinpot ships to get sunk, keep them in port.
How about Malvinas!
Oops, you needed a distraction from your domestic oppression, so you’ve gone to war with a former Great Power. Now you find out that Great Britain has called your bluff and is still capable of projecting power abroad - do you reach a political settlement and save your soldiers’ and sailors’ lives, or throw them away to no purpose?
Exciting first person shooter. Try to survive day in and day out random RPG attacks and shootings. Your enemy ? What enemy ? You can’t see a dam thing.
North Atlantic Convoy 1940 !
All the suspense and terror of being in a 8 knot merchant ship filled to the top with munitions for the War in Europe ! Plus your unarmed and unescorted.
Or try the new US version: Liberty Ship 1942 ! With Escort ships ! New German U-Boat designs and tactics mean you have that much more fun. You’ll never have a wolfpack like this…
Masters of Magic: the Beginning!. Painstakingly learn the arcane art of wizardry. Memorize 90 minute incantations, beginning with the Summoning of Dust Mites and ending with the ultimate in offensive magic: the Magical Ember of Doom (actual contents: 1 red-hot ember). You will end the game feeling up to the next 3 sequels, after which you can being your quest for world domination.
But even more thrilling, before you can do that you must become fluent in the languages of magical incantation: Quenya and Sindarin. Don’t miss the rousing 3-hour closed-book final exam.
You Are Spartacus! Perform humiliating slave duties for your Roman masters for weeks upon months until you finally get the opportunity to lead a half-assed revolt that seems like a good idea at the time until your movement is crushed a couple of days later.
Actually Spartacus’ revolt lasted for almost two years and he defeated four Roman armies before being killed by Crassus. Here’s a Wikipedia article on him. So a Spartacus game might not be too bad after all…
Paraphrasing our guru Cecil, never let the facts stand in the way of a good joke.
Seriously, I knew about Spartacus the specific example. I intended it as a recognizable generalization, insofar as slave rebellions happened from time to time and were swiftly suppressed, while Spartacus himself serves as the exception (which is why we remember him).
I should have called it “Blood of the Aqueduct” or “The Appian Massacre” or something. I just couldn’t resist the joke title. I should have known I’d be nitpicked to death, like Prometheus chained to the rock being slowly pecked away by ostriches.
