Just a morbid little list I’ve been working on for awhile…War/combat video games that wouldn’t be too popular.
Colloseum Combat…Andabatae!
Notable for it’s very low system requirments.
Conquest of Greece
Help Alexander the Great conquer the known world from the inside of the Greek war machine…specifically, the second row from the back in a Phalanx formation, crammed between panicing enlisted men and the drawn swords of the officers who will cut down any man trying to flee. As you rise in rank, you may even gain the position of second row from the front, where you still won’t be able to see the enemy yourself, but you will be in range of their pikes.
Lancers! Poland: 1938
At the head of Polish Cavalry, lead the first-and last-ditch defence against German Panzers invading your country. Good luck.
Kai-Ten: Divine Wave
Play the role of a suicide torpedo pilot in the Japanese Navy in a one-way mission against the American Navy…unless you miss your target and run out of fuel, leaving you dead in the water with no escape hatch. No ‘save game’ feature.
"Over the Top"—Battle of the Somme
A first person shooter…leap out your trench on the western front, and make a mad dash to the German lines. When played out fully, the game’s story ends just before the first use of tanks.
So…any other suggestions?
Charge of the Light Brigade
You charge into an enemy position with cannons on three sides. On hills. Firing at you (though according to Battlefield Detectives, not all three sides at once…still). The smoke makes it impossible to see. Just as well, it makes your framerate chug. Once you get to the position you’re charging, the charge breaks, and you have to retreat back to wear you came from.
Hundred Years War
You march in fields for weeks and weeks, getting dirty and smelly. Finally, you fight, and probably die. Takes place in real time!
World War I Tank Commander!
Chug along at a few miles an hour.
German Air Defense: 1943
Man your anti-aircraft battery all through the night. Fire off hundreds of shells at targets you can’t see! Track Allied bombers solely by the use of SurroundSound audio, if you can pick them out from the sounds of shells bursting, Luftewaffe night-fliers and your superior officer screaming in your ear, “Over there! Over there! No, no, over that way!”
Enigma - The Race Against Time
Can you decode the enemy communique in time? Over thirty keys, levers, and switches to manipulate. See the inside of a tiny wooden shack rendered in stunning 3D! Experience clacking and tapping noises so real you’ll swear there’s a typewriter right there in the room with you!
You’re Sam Sloan, junior agent. Load your gun and sharpen your skills, because you’re about to spend 48 grueling (realtime) hours staring out a window. Thrill! at the amazingly detailed blinds over the windows. Hear! the lifelike dripping as your partner makes coffee.
Can you survive until the car comes to drive your witness to the courthouse. You’d better hope so, or you’ll never get to the next level, where you get to do it all over again.
Staffwork '44 - You’re a newly appointed first lieutenant assigned to your first command! You’re in charge of a platoon of clerks who are writing the paperwork that will send hundreds of thousands of soldiers, sailors, and airmen into battle across the globe!
Gallipoli! - Lead pinned down British, Aussie and NZ soldiers in this historic amphibious landing against numerically inferior Turks!
Cold War - Can you face off against the Soviets for 40 years without it turning hot? (Game ends when actual shooting starts)
Air Mobility Command - Pilot such giants of the sky as the C-130 Hercules, C17 Globemaster and the C-5 Galaxy in important misions delivering mail, cargo and troops all over the world!
USMC: D.I. - You have 16 weeks to whip new recruits into shape. Voices provided by R. Lee Emery, Clint Eastwood, and others. NOW DROP AND GIVE ME 20!!
Base Commander: South Dakota-You command a missile base stocked with deadly nuclear weapons. Go through constant readiness alerts without actually doing anything. Retire in 40 years.
OG Smash! - A highly realistic simulation experience of walking over to the Alpha male in the tribe and beating his head with a rock! Includes tech upgrades such as the sharpened stick, the rock on a stick, and fire.
Minimum requirements: P4, 1024 MB RAM, GeForceFX and joystick.
(Yes, I know that Lionhead Studios is working on this…)
Phony War (sold in Germany under the title Sitzkrieg).
Man the incredibly powerful and (this is key to the fun of the game) - eastward-facing - defensive posts of the Maginot Line until told to capitulate by craven political leadership without the guts or intelligence to adequately defend La Belle France.
As a battery commander of huge gun emplacements, you’ll take the weekly inventory of ammo stocks (no change - ever - in ammuntition expended) and submit manning documents to the High Command, so that Corporal LeBeau’s leave paperwork will be perfect in every exacting detail.
The game closes dramatically with you helping your new allies in the Wehrmacht identify Jewish names on the personnel roster.
Rated: non-violent; suitable for all ages (but not WWII veterans)
You’ll be at the controls of this Civil War man-powered submarine, taking it through painstakingly realistic simulations of all 3 of its missions, all of which end with the crew’s untimely demise. The cutscenes depict divers raising the sub to be readied for a new mission, once the previous crew has been buried with full honors.
Washita! This first-person slaughter allows you to be a trooper in the US Cavalry as you ride down helpless ‘redskins’ with impunity, as you’ll be facing women and children. Use technology and brutality together in an unstoppable tour de force of mayhem and conquest by sword and flame. Play in ‘god mode’, or take your chances with the perils of mishandling your weapons and blowing a hole in your own gawddam’ foot.
Play an entire campaign in ‘Career mode’; avoid the peril of alcoholism (although this will NOT affect promotion through the ranks with Realism options turned all the way up); screw over the ‘good’ Indians that helped you survive what peril the terrain and weather have posed by making certain that they receive worn out equipment, diseased blankets and inadequate ammo to defend themselves; and try to sell your lies to your beaten foes in order to secure the Game Winner Objective - the Meaningless Peace Treaty.
An expansion will be available next year - Custer! - that will enable players to fight from the Indian side, this time set at Little Big Horn. This is expected to be very popular with owners of the Washita! game that have consciences and a sense of justice.
Redcoat
You and your men must march through the colonial countryside searching for the fearsome rebel adversary. Musket fire could come from any direction… will you see them before they see you? (Probably not.)
Balance of Power and Flight Simulator? Those are actually pretty fun!
Hiroshima - You’re the leader of a crack militia squad assigned to the task of defending the town of Hiroshima from the impending land invasion by the hairy barbarians of the West. Includes such battle tactics as: March around the Parade Grounds, Fiddle with Your Pointed Bamboo Stick, and Look at the Airplane Flying across the Sky.
Just for clarity’s sake, that previous title was Hiroshima: 1945. Not to be confused with Hiroshima: 1294, in which you guard the town fortifications against the approaching Mongol Invasion as they get pummeled mercilessly by a sudden typhoon. Includes missions like: Watch the Enemy Ships Crash into Each Other and Sink, Drop Stuff on the Survivors Trying to Swim for Shore, and Loot the Bloated Corpses before the Peasants Do.
Spend a year in high-res 3D simulation combing the desert for weapons! Find nothing.
Unique “no-win” feature for added realism. Game terminates with unsatisfying computer reboot when your $10 Billion clicks down to zero. Features online feature where you can bitch about the French to <100 other game players at a time.
Buy the Oil Strike add-on pack for the big money game. (Available in the USA only. Not for export.)
Ant Attack!
Lead your insect troops to battle against a kettle full of boiling water!
Flower of French Chivalry: Agincourt 1415. Includes incredibly detailed pre-battle boasting and getting-into-armour simulations, before you start your valiant charge against a numerically inferior, sick, hungry, poorly armoured enemy who happen to be equipped with murderously effective longbows.
English Civil War 1140. Take the role of King Stephen or Empress Mathilda. Enjoy the strategic challenge of directing troops who can’t hear what you’re saying and wander off at random to pillage the civilians. See how fast you can annoy your allies into switching sides!
Battle of Britain: ARP Warden. Equipped with your trusty tin hat and notebook, write down the names and addresses of people who violate the blackout regulations, while dodging the exploding ironmongery the Luftwaffe are trying to drop on your head! Add-on expansion pack enables you to swear impotently and shake your fist at German bombers far overhead.
