Ratty, where are you Ratty? Choose her please, please!
Application for sworn enemy:
Name: Dorkus M. Mafia
SSN: 123-45-6789 (You didn’t think anyone had it, did you?)
Previous experience: April 1990- September 1995 Mafia goon. Spent time breaking people’s legs with Guido when they overstepped the bounds of dorkiness thus infringing on the mobs territory. Contact Guido
Mafia publicist: July 1998- May 2002Performed random drive by postings on message boards. This job worked similar to graffiti artists.
Current Job: Minion Collector May 2002 - Present: Currently have one minion (Dante) who is at my beck and call. Other minions being collected for a full scale mafia war. Applications start a thread. Absolutely no one is refused. Benefits and pay are lousy but the glamour and lifestyle are amazing.
Training: School of Mafioso business September 1995- May 1998. Majored in Criminal Engineering graduating 300th in a class of 5000. The school motto was “building criminals for a better tomorrow.”
Anything make you especially qualified for this position: See my signature. Dante, you see that if we get this gig, I have a minion to attack with. Woo woo.
What is this, Slortar ?!! Only 24 hours of being my arch-nemesis and you are already sniffing around the heels of that red-headed wench?! (No offence, Persephone. ;))
And you’re not even that good! You left me all tied up with a mountain of extra-spicy pork rinds, sharks in a tank, and your two idiot robot henchmen, and then…nothing.
No evil chortling about my imminent demise, no leering explaination of how I was going to die a horrible death, nothing ! Talk about a bummer!
Somebody needs a spanking, is what I’m thinking.
Persephone, I would double-check Slortar’s references before you give him serious consideration. Besides, he’s going to be busier with me than he thinks. 
<faux Mongolian accent>
Ah, Wintermute, but the waiting’s the most insidious part
of my torture. Here I was about to unleash the torture of the 10,000 Grease Weasels and you had to spoil it.
Oh, very well. Sheesh, I remember the good old days when an arch-nemesis wasn’t expected to be monogamous…oh, yes, I could be the sole arch-nemesis of an entire team of superheroes, but noooo…
For your, um, presumption, I will make you pay. Viggo, Tor, Curly, Sven and Otto, grease those weasels up…
</faux Mongolian accent>
Listen, you think you can adequately service both Persephone and me, go for it.
As for the waiting, yes, it is indeed exquisite torture. Or it would be if you hired competent henchmen. I got out of that last one without even breaking a nail. I just yelled, “What’s that over there?!”, and walked out while they were looking over their shoulders going, “What? What?”. You should shell out for some better help.
I laugh at your greased weasels! Ha, ha!
This is fun!
I ate all the pomegranates and slept with your husband.
TAKE THAT!
Nah. Too ethnic.
You post: Hiring an enemy and then say you can’t pay?!?!?!
You damn lyin’ bitch.
:D:D:D:D:D
<faux Greek accent>
True, you outwitted my run of the mill [sub]dumb as a bag of hammers[/sub]agents…and cowed my greased weasels*…but can you withstand the might of my new robot minion, El Destructificator?!..moooahahahahaaahahaa hahahahaaa ha ha haaaa wheeze wheeze hahahahahahaaa!!! Just hang on a second while I wind him up and…damn robot…wind him…damn…kick…there he goes. Fear his clockwork wrath! He has big pointy teeth to terrify you with! And eeeevil whiskers! Bwaahahahahahahaaa!!!
Hm. Good point, perhaps I should just subcontract out as a henchman so as not to divide my supervillainly powers too much…
</faux Greek accent>
- They’re going to be in therapy for months, thank you very much.
[sub]I didn’t get your Valentine Card done in time. I’m sorry. [/sub]
Here we go again: first breathe of Spring and Persephone starts a-yammering. .
Up from the Underworld, can’t say one juicy nasty thing about her. Sorry, Cristi, you’re just too nice and ripe for any shitty-ass thoughts. I’ll try to wrack me brains, tho…
I dunno. That just doesn’t scream evil. I mean, had you said, “I didn’t get your Valentine Card done in time because I could never pin your [insert family member pronoun here] down long enough to cut out his/her still-beating heart for the main decoration,” then yeah, that’d be Sworn Enemy-worthy.
YM, of course, MV. :eek:
Well sheesh, honey, I am doing the best I can.
Gimme a break…evil doesn’t come easily to me.
Well, at the verrrrry least, you could always punctuate your threats with an evil-ish smiley: :mad:
(Or: :rolleyes: depending on your appetite for sarcasm.)
Yer a hard man, Skip.
CRISTI, I PURPOSELY DIDN’T SEND YOU A VALENTINE BECAUSE QUITE FRANKLY YOU…
[sib]okay, Skip, now I am in trouble. I LOVE the woman, what do you expect me to SAY here?[/sub]
And furthermore, I DID NOT foul up the coding here. It was the cat. Yea
[sub] She did it agan, and I am going to bed.[/sub]
Having Scotticher try to be an Evil Sworn Enemy[sup]TM[/sup] is like trying to make honey taste bitter.
Damn, I’m still looking for a friend.