deb2world: Very, very impressive resume. Your comment about Green Bean already being on your enemy list caught my eye. You see, I’ve actually met her a couple of times. That tells me that you will indeed work hard to be a very good Sworn Enemy.
GIGObuster: No, in fact, I hadn’t noticed that. Good eye you’ve got there. Consider this a personal request for a resume.
**Tony Montana: ** I’m trying to make enemies, but I’m afraid it’s just not working very well. That’s why I’m looking to hire an enemy first. Someone I can work with and practice on, so that I can make more enemies!
Joe K: polls, not Poles. Once you get that one straightened out in your own head, please resubmit your resume. And quit picking your nose. Goodness, didn’t your mother ever teach you any manners?
Personally, I like you too much to be your sworn enemy, but I happened to overhear the cats gossiping in the next room. They’ve been conferencing, and Bad Boy Kitty With a Toupee wishes me to inform you that he has tired of tormenting the dog and so has an opening for a new Sworn Enemy. Queen Bitch Kitty says that she’s still working on making Stupid Fuzzball Kitty’s life a living hell, but she’ll be happy to put you on her waiting list. (Stupid Fuzzball Kitty’s sole commentary on the matter was, “Dust is yummy.”)
At any rate, both of the smart cats have impressive resumes and a good work history of Sworn Enemyship. (OK, I’ll tell her! Get OFF!) Bad Boy Kitty With a Toupee wants me to mention his prowess at throwing up hairballs exactly the length of your foot, for maximum effect. Queen Bitch Kitty snorts at this claim, and reminds me to tell you that Bad Boy Kitty With a Toupee has a catnip problem.
Please let me know which of these idiot cats you’d like as a Sworn Enemy.
Excuse me for over-estimating your intelligence. I thought that since it’s your bloody username you may get the reference. “Fighting ignorance” indeed.
So let me just say that I wouldn’t be your enemy if you were the last 'Doper on earth. So what, you say. My father was an enemy of several members of european royalty and his father before him was actually archenemy by royal appointment to the British Prime Minister.
At an early age my breeding showed as I was a thorn in the side (junior grade) of Mr Irwin in Grade 7. I gained extensive experience as a bete noire (classes 1-9) during my teenage years, performing the role for a variety of adult figures.
Since finishing my education (as a Rhogues Scholar) I have borne enmity for a vast catalogue of international figures and take no small pride in the fact that President Bush had to be talked out of including me in the “axis of evil”.
As a professional enemy I am ever searching for perfection and hope some day to become the only living qualified nemesis.
But none of this will be available to you due to your churlish ways. I’m sure that the SDMB will offer up someone worthy of my talents.
By the way, from the OP alone:
Hello. My name is Persephone. - gee that must be why it says Persephone right next to this inane message.
Oldbie - what’s with the b
No one I can’t point to - don’t we mean can
This thread belongs in MPSIMS so why not post it again…a few times.
Well, I considered applying for the position, but figured I’d never be able to maintain the long-term antipathy required to do a good job at it.
I do have a couple of insults that could have gotten me the job, of course: “You post with the brilliance of Cyberian54, the common sense of AlanKingsley, and the pleasant demeanor of Chevy57SS.” However, I doubt that I could sustain that level of vitriol for long enough to actually be useful as a sworn enemy. (Provided the mere mention of those insults has not, now, made you my sworn enemy.)
TVeblen I assume you also are looking for a nemesis. See my above resume for reference. I would be able to diversify to meet all of your evilness needs. Plus you get the added bonus of my being in the pile-on whenever anyone starts a PIT thread about you. AND! For Just an extra $19.95 you too can receive this lovely Kick Your Butt From Here To Kingdom Come[SUP]TM[/SUP]. Hurry and respond now as supplies are limited.
[small print that you are unable to read inserted here]
How dense can you be? I KNOW they were wearing pull-ups, not Underoos. This is all part of services. I’m trying to show you (if you weren’t too dense to notice) that I can nitpick and quarrel, but I also, in my white-hot feverish attempt to score points, make errors that you can point out and call me on in order to further our dissent and allow threads to degenerate into niggling arguments about trivial matters instead of addressing the original points made.
This shows not only what a moron you are, but how well-qualified I am for the position.
My! Such a good response to my request! I’m honored and humbled. **tomndebb, ** I’m delighted that someone of your caliber has seen fit to check in here as well. If it makes you feel any better, the mention of Cyberian did make my eyes bleed.
Such excellent references from everyone. I’m really impressed! Please keep them coming in. I’ll be away for a couple of days, so there’s still plenty of time to send in a resume.
Much love,
Persephone
(Attention Whore and Wanna-Be:) )
Veb doesn’t need a nemisis, as she is a moderator and is therefore already the arch nemisis of every trollish, jerkish, doesn’t-follow-the-rules-and-posts-in-the-wrong-forum member of this board.
(Course they don’t always last long. They are a little more like the arch nemisis sidekicks that keep coming no matter how many of them you easily dispose of.)
Might I point out that I am officially an arch-nemesis for hire? Even though I currently have a position as Wintermute’s arch-nemesis, I believe I have an empty time slot in my work schedule which will allow me to properly persecute, humiliate and otherwise make your life miserable.
I also come with a secret base, minions and a really phony accent.
[sub]Oh, and I’ll gut you like a sack of wet groceries and dance on your steaming entrails and stuff.[/sub]
Kn*ckers
666 Frozen Lake Rd., Apt 13
Hell City, HL 12345
Phone: (000) 000-HATE
Fax: (000) 000-PAIN
Objective:
Seeking Position in Oppositional Arts, specifically that of Sworn Enemy
Experience:
2003-2000 AT&T Long Distance (Pestilenceville, Hell)
Telemarketer
Placed an average of 9 million sales calls daily, resulting in a total of five new AT&T customers, and 8,999,995 devoted customers for Sprint, MCI, Verizon, and other long-distance carriers.
Cited for Persistance Beyond the Call of Duty, for physically hunting down 300 potential customers, and threatening bodily harm unless they agreed to switch to MCI.
1266-1267 Shaw’s Supermarket Parking Lot (East Baffletown, NJ)
Obnoxious Driver
Idled in parking lot lane for 355 days, waiting for a parking space, effectively blocking all other cars from entering or exiting lot.
Decreased business for East Baffleton Shaw’s to such an extent that the store was closed down permanently.
Swore and made vulgar hand gestures at over 3,000 innocent bystanders and frustrated motorists.
1908-1999 Holy Spam Avenger Compound (Ratsass, MO)
Cult Leader
-Recruited and brainwashed 122 members as prophet and CEO of Holy Spam Avenger Cult
-Led mass suicide on June 38, 1999, resulting in death of all members, but personally only pretended to drink poisoned Kool-Aid, demonstrating unusual sneakiness.
Education:
1910-1835: Bubbleberry University and Preschool (Turtlechunks, WY)
PhD: Antagonistic Sciences
Graduated Summa Cum Laude.
2456-2457: Yale University (New Haven, MN)
BS: Welding
Interests: Kicking over baby strollers, leaving the toilet seat up, forcing own spiritual beliefs on others, threatening strangers, releasing CFCs into the atmosphere, knitting
Things you’d rather not have to discuss/admit at future dopefests. Things that, upon hearing, your husband would look at you, pain saturating his eyes, and say “I never knew you, woman.” Things that would drive your mother to gouge out her eyes with knitting needles if she found out. Things, if you children knew, they’d say, with those big innocent eyes (when they aren’t covered up by underoos on their heads), “Mama, why? Don’t you love us anymore?”
Why do you think Cecil has never personally welcomed you? Why do you think most of the mods just generally scoff at you in those Uber Secret Moderator Meetings?
I could show you the list of things the FBI has collected on you. I could show you the footage from U-2 planes or the personal list Kim Jong-Il has gathered from his intelligence reports. I could show you the plans France had for testing nuclear bombs on you in the 70s. I could tell you about the percent of your wardrobe J. Edgar Hoover stole back in the day … not for wearing but as evidence.
I’ve hidden it all rather well until now. But maybe you didn’t realize something when I’d give you those aside, knowing looks, and smiled at you. Maybe you didn’t realize that when I was hugging you I was actually checking for the wire DaveW planted so many years ago (he didn’t get to be a God just by predicting super bowl outcomes…).
Maybe you didn’t realize you have more than a sworn enemy right now in me (and him … he’s my Tommy Lee Jones and I’m his Will Smith). So now the question becomes not what will you pay me, but what do I want from you?
I’ll be checking back later to see what sort of an offer you can make. As always, my email is available in my profile.
Oh, and don’t even think about sexual offers, red. I’m taken.
C’mon, you didn’t even think of your old buddy, Res? Let me give you the run-down on why you need me as your enemy:
-I’m abandoning your great state of Michigan in about 2 months. Yeah, that’s right: your state sucks, and I’m outta here.
-I’m probably going to throw my OWN Dopefest next month. While a true enemy wouldn’t invite you, hey, I’m nicer than that. But think of the public controversy that will result when people learn that WE got into a fistfight at my place!
-Cranky can take photos of the main event. We can sell 'em online and split the profits.
-We can sign up to joust each other at the next Renaissance Fest.
-I’m Catholic, you’re Pagan. Nothing like a holy war to make the history books!
-And speaking of holy wars: Ann Arbor vs. Flint. C’mon, that’s a shakedown that has to be years in the making.
-You’re too loveable to hate anyone. If you gotta hate someone, at least let it be ME so the rest of the world can feel your affection.
I anxiously await your reply. Or maybe I don’t…they raise 'em tough in Flint.
Billdo, if Persephone hires me as Sworn Enemy, I will take you on as Evil Henchman. I’ve seen you hench personally, and was quite impressed with your H.Q. (henchability quotient).
Besides, you’re a lawyer, so when my nefarious plans are exposed and I’m tossed in the clink, you can get me out again to start another reign of terror.
Oh, one thing I should mention prior to sealing the deal. I haven’t actually heard your particular brand of evil, maniacal laughter. This is just a formality, you understand, but next time we see each other, if you could just give me a sample, I’d appreciate it. Other than that, I don’t see any problems, and I look forward to a long and prosperous partnership in Sworn Enemy-ing and Evil Henchman-ing.
Thanks for dropping by. I’ll be in touch. Louise at the reception desk will validate your parking.
I had a sworn enemy once, but it turned out the sumbitch perjured himself and had to become my sidekick. You gotta watch out for stuff like that, be warned.
While perusing the list of very well qualified canidates, I was struck by how many of them were established posters, all of them in the 300+ posting range, several in the 1000+. So yes, they are experienced and familiar with you and your habits. They may have the eye in the sky and all the dirt on you. I however have something that I can add to the mix that they cannot: newness. My newness and relative inexperience can be an asset to you. I can be molded into what you would like to your personal nemisis to be. I have no reputation here to uphold so I can switch from one personality to another depending upon your needs and desires for the day. I can use our unfamiliarity with one another to keep you on your toes and constantly dodging. Where will I appear next? What thread am I lurking in awaiting to call you out? What damning curse to The Old Ones will I envoke upon you in The Pit?
I also work tech support so I have a loathing of all people and find their ignorance to be the bane of my existance. I have finely tuned senses towards the slightest bit of ignorance of nearly any topic (I am a geek so I must be a master of nearly all topics), and have perfected a snide attitude to assist me in conveying my contempt for the person who cannot figure out how to open a Word file or know what planet Luke Skywalker was from. Comic Book guy is a Hallmark card with a kitten on it and dipped in chocolate compared to me, and Professor Frink is a drooling, gopher sniffing moron with weapons grade stupidity.
I look forward to your reply and subsequent addition to my Sworn Blood Enemies List. Thank you for your time.
