Now Hiring: Sworn Enemy on the SDMB

Mods: I’m starting this here because it’s sort of pollish, but if it needs to be moved to MPSIMS, don’t hesitate.
Hello. My name is Persephone. I’m an SDMB Oldbie. Been around since the old AOL days, in fact.

I love the SDMB. It’s a large part of my life. But there’s something missing.

I have no sworn enemies here. No one I can fight with or flame. No one I can roll my eyes at and say “There you go again…” No one I can’t point to and say “But now you’re being a hypocrite, because here in this thread, you said XYZ!”

There are no prerequisites for this job, BTW. Newbies and Oldbies alike are invited to apply.

If anyone is interested in becoming my Sworn SDMB Enemy, I’ll be accepting applications until…oh…until I don’t feel like it anymore. :smiley:

Hey Persephone. Your mother wears army boots!

[sub]How’s that for insult hurling?[/sub]

(Insert random insult here)

There. Now we are sworn enemies.

Whip me!

Beat me!

Chain me!

MAKE ME WRITE BAD CHECKS!

I would be your personal SDMB “sworn enemy”, any time.

Will you actually hire me to be your sworn enemy?

-dao, who’s still looking for a job after 3 months…

You can go to hell.

Well, there you go again. You’ve moaned and moaned that you’re just a MPSIMS ho’ and here you are in IMHO.

I’ve even seen you in the Pit, with your other Nazi friends, spewing your venom without regard to the feelings of others or to the facts. I thought we were fighting ignorance here, people! But perhaps I’m mistaken. Perhaps the “old regime” is more privileged than those of us with only 3000 or so posts.

And Great Debates! Don’t get me started on that! Ingratiating yourself to the “intelligentsia” of the board with your dabblings there. Please. You don’t fool me.

Go back to writing about how you found a dollar in your jacket pocket, or the fact that your kids are running around the living room like naked psychopaths with Underoos on their heads.

I smell a banning here.

3…

2…

Any takers on how long it takes before a mod closes this thread?

so…do I get the job?

Wait, I got a real good sig, hold on…

Oh wait, I know, I know!

Ahem;

You reek with the stench of the putrid green slime that clings to the walls of hell!

Hows that?

NOW can we be enemies, huh, huh kin we – kin we!!!

::bounce::
::bounce::

Wow Dave, that was good!

I hereby withdraw my application.

Dave wins.

Hrump!

I don’t have any prior experience as a sworn enemy.

But I have some familiarity with stalking! It’s ok if you hate me, but I’ll ALWAYS love you, til the voices tell me that you’re no longer worthy of my atttention and deserve to be punished for not appreciating me and I light the purifying flame outside your house and the angels sing harmony about my righteous wrath and God himself annoints me and blesses my actions and I look for a NEW spiritual lover who can appreciate me properly and everything will be perfect so long as she doesn’t cross me or even tick me off.

Whaddya say?

Why ask for trouble?

Enemies will find you. Even Mother Teresa had her opponents.

You don’t want me as an enemy. You can’t handle that kind of heat.

Yup. I heard Ma Teresa sold children, or parts of them (for organ transplants) to support her crack habit. :smiley:

Okay, here’s the deal:

Ruby, clayton, Janx, & don’t ask: I’m not looking to be insulted in this thread, although what you said was good. I’m looking for something slightly more resume-ish, with a few personal slams and/or slights thrown in for good measure. I know I wasn’t terribly clear about that in the OP, though, so I’ll take responsibility for it. If you’d like to try again, please, feel free.

Daowjan: Sorry, this job is not for pay. I’m a broke-ass loser with no real life. If I COULD pay you, though, I would.

Dave: Excellent references to Nazis, fighting ignorance, “old regime,” and sucking up to the “intelligentsia.” I’m also very impressed with your ability to work in the mention of a banning and/or thread closing. Oh, and the personal attack in which you reference my children? Pure genius. However, the kids were wearing PullUp pants on their heads, not Underoos. But your resume is going on the call-back pile.

Boyo Jim: Now THAT is a resume! Brought a tear to my eye, it did. Oh yeah. You’re on the top of my call-back pile!

Aplication for Employment

Name: deb2world (aka deb)
Address: 8 miles from the beach
Phone number: 1-123-555-sdmb

Position Applied For: Sworn enemy of Persephone or anyone else needing a nemesis

Work Experience:

Curmudgeon Asso. 793 Ihateyou Way, Placentia, CA. I have the ability to just say “excuse me” in a snide way to any who dares to try to overstep the bounds of polite conversation. Yell at children for acting up (2001 - present)

Crabby Co. 8834 Soda Blvd., Bakerfield, CA Associate position learning the ropes to real meanness. Job entailed shopping which would ultimately mean returns. (1995-2001)

Life Inc. 783 Happy St., Pearblossom, CA. Being a nice person. I was in the position of mamby pamby but spent my spare time studying the evil people who I was occationally able to interact with (birth - 1995)

Education:

SDMB member. Need I say more. (Sept 2000)

*References: *

Green Bean who already is on the enemy list due to disagreements in the area of baseball – Yankees blech!

Hobbies:

Picking wings off of flies.

Collecting the happiness of others so they can’t use it.

Bad puns.

Goal:

To advance to sworn enemy in a progressive company where I can apply my talent for nitpicking. I am able to see the flaws in others and create discord with just a few words. My talents are not currently being used to the fullest in my present position due to being surrounded by nice people who are idiots who wouldn’t know a curmudgeon if it hit them on the head with a baseball bat. They don’t know when they are being cut to the quick, nooooo they think I am only joking. They have squeaky voices that laugh as I throw insult after insult. I have been keeping a notebook of all of their slights and read it constantly burning in my anger. I know someday they will see me for the really evil person I am after I get my revenge. Hahahaha. That will show them. They will understand then. hee hee hee. Bwahaha. Snicker snicker.

Please call me to set up an interview. I look forward to hearing from you on this great position soon.

(psst Green Bean you know I really love ya right? even if you do have the wrong team to root for)

JOU WANNA GO TO WAR?

Hey come back I was just kiddin’

tsk.tsk.tsk.

You have to go out and make enemies , this may take some effort on your part, especially if your a decent sort.

Who was it that said: “I like my enemies, after all I made every one of them”?

Did you notice your last post was #6666 ?

Even more evil than the beast? Sorry Persephone, I pass, If you are tougher that the devil why bother? :smiley:

What is that supposed to mean? Are you implying that you, Queen of the Underworld, see Poles as insignificant members of society?

Just because our noses are hand-picked doesn’t mean that we pick them ourselves!

[sup]Er, wait…[/sup]

You don’t need to be callin’ on me. Rest assured, I’ll be calling on you! :slight_smile:

I pitted you once…course you asked me to. I just can’t. I just can’t. You are just too nice. I’d lay awake at night if I thought you were my sworn enemy.