I’ve been a bit bored lately. In fact, I think I’m in a rut. The alarm goes off in the morning, I hit the snooze button, nine minutes later I hit the snooze button again, then another nine minutes later I hit the snooze button again. My wife leans over from her side of the bed and says, “Will you just get THE FUCK UP ALREADY!”
So I get up, hop in the shower, have some breakfast, and look for a tie that the psycho puppy we adopted from a rescue center hasn’t been chewing on. I end up settling on a mildly chewed tie that somewhat goes with my shirt and reflect again that I really need to find a place for my ties cuz the dog is pulling them off the dresser way too easily. I don’t know where my socks went, so I look for two socks that are approximately the same color (one of which almost always is found under one of the psycho puppy’s paws because she dragged it out of my room at night).
Finally dressed in a semi-professional manner in semi-matched clothes, I get in the car and go to work. I put in my time and go home, where I either watch shows I recorded on Tivo the night before or I play some games on the PS2. I give the psycho-puppy a Beggin Strip cuz I feel bad for kicking her in the nose while she was trying to chew my socks again - this time while they were still on my feet.* I read for an hor or two and fall asleep to start the routine anew.
So, as you can see, I’m in a bit of a rut. This is why I’ve decided to spice up my life a bit. I’m going to find a nemesis. I need an enemy upon whom I can vent my anger and frustrations about my missing socks and saliva-soaked ties and throwing that damded interception with only 57 seconds left in the fourth quarter when playing Madden 05.
The problem lies in finding a nemesis.
Should I choose one at random? Should it be the next person who irritates me? Should it be the coworker I normally get along with, but who refuses to refill the coffee pot after pouring themselves the last cup? Should I take applications? What would a goos nemesis resume look like? What does one look for in a nemesis? I’ve never had a nemesis before, so I really don’t know what the criteria should be. Any suggestions?
[sub]*No puppies’ noses were kicked in the creation of this post.[/sub]
Apparently one possible memesis would be a spellchecker. In the above post, “damded” should be “damned”, “hor” should be “hour”, and “goos” should be “good”. Any other misspellings I’ve missed were not my fault, but the fault of your computer which obviously did not place the information in the correct order after retrieving it from the website.
Maybe this has been done to death already, but in your clever sig line about “fun size” candy bars, shouldn’t you be talking about cubic instead of square measurements? Am I being needlessly picky?
Clearly you should make Snooooopy your nemesis, Crunchy Frog. Not only is he belligerent, but he’s not a fan of Lore Sjoberg and the Book of Ratings.
But really: eh. I had a nemesis for a while there, and it wasn’t nearly as cool as they make it sound. My days were pretty much exactly how you describe (minus the dog), except that I’d spend the whole time in the shower thinking, “Damn that guy is an asshole! If people only knew what I knew they’d stop going on about how great he is. Next time I see him I’m going to…” and there’d be around 15 minutes of that and then more on the commute during to work, etc. Pretty dull and not all that fun.
Can I recommend you just get some better games for your PS2?
You don’t want a nemesis. Nemesis was a Greek goddess of divine retribution, justice and vengence. Even in the other sense of the word, a nemesis is generally thought of as being generally on the side of right and usually if not always triumphant. You can’t choose your nemesis, you have to commit some offense against the gods, or your fellow man, or (in a pinch) good spelling and wait for your nemesis to target you. On the other hand, you could always be some other person’s nemesis, but it requires single-minded dedication bordering on fanaticism. Not the life-style for a multiple snooze-button pusher.
So if nemesis isn’t right for you, but you want something classier than a pain in the ass and less physically dangerous than an enemy, may I suggest something in our antagonist series: they come in a variety of sizes and styles, and are guaranteed dedicated to frustrating your ambitions without crossing adjustable pre-set boundaries of violence, good taste or legal codes.
Remember, for the best in antagonists, think Samson Antagonistes. Samson Antagonistes – where you have a friend in the enemy business.
I’ll do it. I don’t much like your name, and you smell funny too. I’ll make fun of you every time I see your name in a thread, plus I’ll throw things at you from across the room. Plus I’ll snap my towel on your ass in the locker room. I’d take your lunch too but I’m sure your mom makes some pretty crappy stuff.
Now if you agree to these terms I only charge $5.25 per day, in other words your lunch money pal. And don’t try none of that fancy logic on me either cause it’s not gonna work.
Eats_Crayons was looking to take over the world a couple of weeks ago. Maybe you & she should get together. Er, rather, hash out a mutual loathing & enmity agreement or something.
No seriously! He hates me, too! He gives me dirty looks and such, so it became a contest to see who could out-jerk the other. Priceless. Now, I may or may not have written a letter where I may or may not have referred to him as “everything that is bad in the political arena today.” Said hypothetical letter may or may not have spawned this whole thing. That’s irrelevent, though.
As your former “Virtual Wife” I do believe I have dibs on being your arch-nemisis.
Be very cautious when dressing tomorrow. The puppy works for me.
:insert evil laugh here:
Kythereia, you can be my nemesis! But you have to promise to fall in love with me after a set number of epic battles in which I slowly win your heart and convince you that I’m not all that evil.
Okay, so let’s see what’s shaped up while I was sleeping, hitting the snooze button, wrestling the dog for my shoelaces, and working…
Snoooopy may be tossing his hat in the ring with the nitpick about my sig line.
King of Soup may be on the list for pointing out that I’m actually looking to become someone’s nemesis and in the process of fighting my ignorance has wounded my fragile ego.
Edward the Head is out of the running, cuz I pay no man to uh… you know, whatever this would be exactly.
Eats_Crayons seems a good choice (thanks to Earthworm Jim), as it has long been my plan to take over the world, so she and I are obviously fated to cross paths one day.
Kythereia seems to not have read any of my previous posts or he/she would know that I’m not here to fight ingorance. I’m here to waste precious bandwidth with self-indulgent ramblings and flirtations. BTW, Kyth, how you doin’?
And finally, my darling little*bit, from my virtual wife to arch-nemesis? Considering my previous real-life relationships, that seems to be the next logical step. We’ll see what else pans out. In the meantime, I suggest you make haste in returning all those nude pics I took of you. Now that we’re no longer virtual spouses, I want all my virtual things back and that includes the photoshopped jpegs of your face on various porn stars’ bodies. (Except the one of your face on Ron Jeremy’s body. I never liked that one much, so you can keep it as a momento if you want.)
So… anyone think it a bad idea if I was to put all the mod’s names in a hat and randomly choose my sworn enemy that way?
