Now It's Official -- I'm a Democrat

I’ve always voted Democratic, always, but never wanted to identify formally with a political party. In Hawaii, where you have to register some sort of affiliation, I was a registered Independent. But the Republicans have pissed me off so much that I’ve taken the leap and for the first time in my life have joined the rolls of the Democratic Party.

Besides voting in primaries, are there any benefits I can expect?

Someone will be by to teach you the secret handshake.

And if you’re good you may get some pie.

There’s also the initiation ceremony. I’m not gonna lie to you–it involves a donkey. (You might want to look up Ezekiel 23:20.)

Not that I would imagine the Republican initiation ceremonies are likely any better. I mean, geez–elephants!

There’s an ungodly amount of sex.

It’s *all *gay though. If you’re gay, this is a great benefit.

But the gay sex is with Bill Clinton, so even if you’re not gay, you’re guaranteed a tender embrace, and good cigars.

I heard there’s Frogurt.

Are the cigars in the original, unopened plastic wrap? Gonna have to insist on that.

Yes: free college tuition. Don’t worry, everyone else will pay it for you.

When did you first feel you were Democrat? Have you told you parents?

Frogurt for some, miniature American flags for others.

The welfare checks should start arriving the first of the month.

When the women find out, they’ll begin throwing themselves at you.

Your broken synapses (neural links in the brain) are already starting to reconnect. Eventually, you’ll become autistic*.

(*No kidding about recent research suggesting that some autism may be caused by a failure to go through a normal period of synapse pruning early in life).

It’s not “gay”, it’s inclusively LGBT. Except for the part that involves donkeys.

Just remember to close the curtains.
(Republicans close their curtains, although they don’t need to, Democrats leave them open, although they shouldn’t.)

You left out gender-queer, asexual, and who knows what else. Please report to the nearest reeducation camp within 24 hours.

At 18 I was a Libertarian, at 24 I was a Green. I didn’t want to belong to either of the major parties, because our system is so screwed up. Now at 31, I’ve joined the Democratic Party specifically so I can vote for Bernie Sanders.

That was schizophrenia, which often happens in the synapse-pruning teen years. I haven’t heard this theory applied to autism, which usually comes along around age 2. But I’d be interested to see where you got that.