Arguing about if she’s yelling or not hasn’t gotten you anything, and even technical proof isn’t going to change that. So rather than rehashing that argument over and over: when she talks in a way you do not find acceptable, tell her that you do not like her talking to you in that way. “I’m not yelling!” “Fine, yelling or not, I don’t like you talking to me like that. Please don’t”. If it continues, walk out. Every time. And of course, don’t talk to her in that way either. The other thing is lowering your voice when she raises hers. Because odds are you are both yelling, and it may not be her who started to yell in some or many of the yell-fests.
You cannot change her behavior. You can only change yours, and hope it prompts change in the dynamic. Also, start pricing divorce lawyers.
One of my sisters would go into a “sweet little girl” voice whenever she was talking to anybody she didn’t know and used her normal voice for everyone else. Everyone called her on it until we recorded her doing this, and despite the fact we had literally just recorded it in front of her and played back when she had just said a minute ago, she literally claimed that “wasn’t her”.
Some people have the most bizarre hang-ups about their perceived voice.
Ditch this plan in its entirety and do something very, very different. Bazz-amm! Problem solved! If your arm hurts when you go like “this” then the solution is to stop doing “this” with your arm.
Where did the OP go? Ten bucks says he was beaten to death with his giant 1980’s tape recorder he had taped to his chest!
Agree, the issue is far more that yelling, but on the off chance the OP has an Apple Watch I just read one of the new features they’ve added is a dB meter that can track and warn you when you are being exposed to unsafe sounds levels.
Although there’s a high risk of her ripping the watch off his wrist and smashing it.
The kind of technique I was taught was to forget the objective realities and “who’s right,/wrong/the better person”, but simply to say something like “When you talk to me like that, it makes me feel XYZ and I can’t deal sensibly with whatever’s upsetting you. I could understand it better if you can explain it calmly and quietly.”
I think OP could find a better place to seek advice on this topic.
Well he cant go to his life-partner, she’s got a penis!
Oh wow, this is not a good place to start from…
First, do you and she mean the same thing by “yell”? To my husband, who grew up in a small apartment where it was important not to disturb the neighbors, “yelling” means “speaking too loudly”. To me, an accusation of “yelling” in the midst of an argument is about tone of voice, not raw volume. Hollering from one end of the large house I grew up in to the other end was normal, congenial behavior. My husband used to deny that he ever yelled until we realized we meant different things.
Second, why do you care that she yells? Is it just about volume? Does she even know that ticks you off? I have tried to be quieter (and walk across the house to find my husband, rather than the normal (to me) “hey, where are you?” way of finding others.) since realizing how much he cares – about something that seems completely irrational to me, by the way. God gave us voices for a reason.
Third, it can be hard to moderate your own volume especially when you are excited. I actually HAVE a device that goes off when my voice it too loud – when I use Skype it warns me “you are too close to the speaker” when I talk too loud. I find this somewhat embarrassing, and always drop my volume when it says that, but that doesn’t mean it never says that. By the way, it has NEVER said that because I was yelling at someone, only because I got excited (usually in a good way) and my voice was too loud.
Finally, if you have gotten to the point where you are keeping track and counting all the times your wife bugs you, you should either seek therapy or split up. That’s a bad place to be, and actually measuring her volume isn’t going to lead to greater happiness or harmony.
I don’t even view raising my voice as “cathartic”. I do it when I’m trying be heard (perhaps at the other end of the house) or when I get overly excited. Yes, it can happen in the midst of an argument, but that’s hardly the only time.
But yes, in my husband’s family, a loud voice meant verbal aggression, and a violation of social norms.
Get an airhorn. When they yell, blast 'em!!
(And run)
Moderator Action
This thread is better suited to IMHO.
Moving thread from GQ to IMHO.
Yikes.
She’s yelling at household objects.
And when she defends herself, she’s completely missing the mark. Whatever you want to call what she’s doing, whatever the decibel level, it’s making The Sheikh, her husband, feel stressed and uncomfortable. She needs to acknowledge that and decide whether that’s worth it.
Maybe it is. Maybe he’s being a dick, and she needs to be heard, and making him uncomfortable is a feature, not a bug.
But if she’s doing it to the kids, and she’s doing it to the car or whatever, she doesn’t need to be making him uncomfortable. That’s not a feature.
It may still be worth it. Maybe she’ll decide he’s being a wuss and needs to get over himself. I’m not there.
But if it were me, and if I were trying to tell someone that I was getting stressed out by their yelling at inanimate objects, and if they responded “I’m not yelling!” I’d be pretty pissed at how they weren’t listening to me. Not pissed enough to commit violence with sharp objects, but pissed anyway.
Well, OP was really looking for a factual answer. But now that the thread has been moved, OP, why don’t you just start screaming in the middle of the night, randomly, just to wake her up? Don’t get up, or sit up, just lie there. Scream once LOUDLY. Keep the old eyelids closed and pretend you’re sleeping. (Try not to giggle.) If she "wakes " you and asks what the sound was, claim you didn’t hear anything. Once a week for a few, three weeks and you’ll feel better. That’s my advice. Then again, my marriage ended in divorce. As with my previous advice, report back, OK?
Serious answer as an old married. Objective reality is not the issue. He feels yelled at. She intends no yelling.
Respecting each other’s perceived realities is key. It doesn’t matter if she is objectively yelling or not.
Unless you’ve been married a short time and think that things can change, I don’t get the end game here.
My family is much like your husband’s. My parents never yelled at us kids. That’s carried over to my married life. My spouse and I don’t yell at each other. There are times that I tell her to stop yelling at me, but what I really mean is, “You are being overly aggressive when there is no need to, and I feel threatened. Let’s have a reasoned discussion.” She understands that, takes a few breaths and we work it out. When I catch myself doing the same to her, I immediately apologize and back down.
One person’s notion of a “yell” is somebody else’s idea of * sotto voce*.
The concept of yelling is subjective, at least to some extent. I don’t think that dBs/volume is the sole criterion. A given example of yelling could be at lower dBs and volume than a given non-yelling example. Part of “yelling” is the context, content, and tone as well as various non-verbal communication being transmitted concurrently.
When my children got over excited or angry or needed a nap they would get loud I always, ALWAYS reminded them to use an inside voice. And I kept saying it until they did. It never seemed to end. I thought it was a failed lesson til they grew up and are not yellers or screamers. The lil’wrekker can get shrill when she’s over-excited. We still tell her to calm down and use an inside voice.
I see an awful lot of young Moms in stores and other public places just screaming willy-nilly at their kids. I get it, they have 3 or 4 kids pulling on them all talking at once and they need to be heard over the racket. But shouldn’t that have been taken up at home?
My DIL is a bit severe with her kids. She would never scream at them in public. I’ve seen her do the count to 3 or else thing. I really hate that. I say if the kid needs punishing just get on with it.
Mid-daughter boys are crazy hyper. I might would scream at them if I had them enough. She doesn’t as far as we can tell. She doesn’t stop them from doing much. I tell her she’s a lazy disciplinarian. She just rolls her eyes at me.
I think loud noisy arguing or yelling will not accomplish much.
Like stated above all families are different. If concerned parties are feeling threatened or put upon a way of discussing it should be found. It’s not gonna be easy… Good luck.