Objects in MIR may be closer than they appear -- last chance MIR jokes!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Russia’s space agency says the Mir Space Station will tumble from the sky in March. They say they will do all they can to keep it under control as it plunges to earth. It turns out that Mir’s the Russian word for NASDAQ.

Nine Signs your Space Station is running Windows:
9) oh oh – Garbage shuttles lack plug and play support.
8) The computer keeps asking you to “Insert Setup Disk #3 to continue”.
7) There is no space left on the hard drive to store mission data.
6) Huge phone bill lists calls to a Redmond, Washington 900 number.
5) Have to steal RAM from other satellite’s computers to keep it running.
4) Oxygen system not working since “the proper driver could not be found”.
3) The system locks up whenever you try to run life support, the solar panels and thrusters at the same time.
2) Spent three days looking for cyrillic version of the CTRL-ALT-DEL keys.

  1. The monitor screen is blue, and there’s nothing you can do.
    Top 33 Signs It’s Time to Abandon Your Space Station
  1. “Dear Dmitri: We at Mutual of Kazakhstan regret to inform you of the cancellation of your insurance policy…”
  2. Ship’s computer calmly says, “I don’t know what air leak you’re talking about, Dave.”
  3. Cosmonaut Andrei’s desparately wants you to join the “Hundred Mile High” club.
  4. It’s down to just you and Sigourney Weaver.
  5. Old ladies swatting at you with rakes from their roof tops.
  6. Manager at NASA asks: “If all else fails, you all can just beam down, right?”
  7. No more Stoli.
  8. That’s one small scratch on the port, one giant gash on the starboard side.
  9. The Russian Transportation Safety Bureau has issued a recall on all Mir Model 2000 Orbital Space Platforms.
  10. Former Soviet official announces “The space station has a mild cold.”
  11. The Super Glue is gone and you’re down to one roll of duct tape.
  12. They’ve already chosen Tom Hanks to play you in “Apollo 13, Part II.”
  13. Those weren’t spare oxygen generator parts you made the still out of!
  14. Mission Control arguing over who gets to keep your stuff.
  15. You translate a Russian message which reads “Jettison the American.”
  16. Despite ads, Visa Card essentially worthless up here.
  17. Awkward cosmonaut mumbles: “not want to die virgin.”
  18. “Vodka Hurls” particularly nasty in weightless environment.
  19. The way Boris just sits there in the escape pod.
  20. Other astronauts just seem to talk gibberish
  21. The bread lines.
  22. Souvenir shop takes up way too much room.
  23. Your American hairdryer keeps shorting out the Russian life-support systems.
  24. Replacing hydraulic fluid with Borscht seemed cost effective at the time.
  25. Mission control sending up Duplo blocks to make repairs on a Lego structure.
  26. Shouldn’t have let Yeltsin drive the docking craft.
  27. O-rings failed on the toilet
  28. Russians don’t laugh when you exclaim: “Dammit, Jimski! I’m a doctor, not a cosmonaut!!”
  29. Sears siding.
  30. Every third orbit, Cosmonauts get 'faced and try to whiz on Germany.
  31. Parts inspected by retired Firestone Inspectors.
  32. Plans stolen from moose & squirrel turned out to be flawed.
    or The Network news broadcasts refer to you as any of the following:
  33. Spam in a can.
  34. Uncle Boris’s Last Chance Fireworks Stand
  35. I-Can’t-Believe-It’s-A-Space-Station
  36. Skylab for Dummies
  37. Emergency Vodka Storage Unit #6
  38. Absolut NightMir
  39. The People’s Deathtrap
  40. Space Toast Coast-to-Coast
  41. The S.S. Minnowski
  42. Deepshit Nine