In close to two years of posting, I think this is the first Pit thread I’ve started.
And sho’nuff, it’s going to be lame and entirely inapplicable to nearly everyone. Not to mention ridiculously long. So just let me rant, then let the thread slid into oblivion, m’kay? Thanks.
In the following disjointed venting, I will be playing the role of Charlie Brown. Cast as Lucy van Pelt with football, epixtech.
First off, what’s with the fucking name, guys? Italicized, no caps. epixtech. Yeah, really rolls off the tongue, don’t it? Sure, I know you wanted something with an available domain name. No problem. But epixtech? Did you assnuggets deliberately choose something that says nothing about what your comapany does, is annoying to pronounce, and completely fucks up every sentence it starts with?
Right. That was the best place to start. See, no one reading this has any clue yet just what epixtech is or does, right?
epixtech is a software company. And I use both “software” and “company” advisedly. They make library automation software–catalogs, circulation functions, acquisitions, etc. Specifically to my job, they make a little gem of a tool called Horizon. Horizon Integrated Library Software.
And they are the spawn of a drunken tryst between Baal and Dame Edna, carried only partially to term by a syphilitic Marge Schott on thalidomide.
Perhaps the problems started when Dynix Inc., a sound and competent company, sold out to Ameritech. Ameritech, for Kdapt’s sake! Sure, Ameritech knows phones. But since the newly-formed-upon-acquisition-of-Dynix Ameritech Library Services comprised some 0.1% of Ameritech’s total operating resources, I cannot think they had the slightest clue of how to build a library software package. Or how to sell it. Or, in fact thing one about libraries.
NO usability testing, NO quality control, NO user feedback. In short, little old Dynix became another stereotypically soulless machine, churning out piss-poor product, promising the moon and delivering a big puckered abscess of uselessness.
When Ameritech Library Services was bought out by a small investment consortium, the party line changed. “We have freedom from the corporate shackles!” they said. “We can design the product you need now, without a slavish obedience to the bottom line!” they said. “We’re hiring new, vibrant developers, who will perform proper usability testing and real beta-testing!” they said.
I bought that spew, hook, line, and SQL. So did most of the rest of us at the Horizon User Group annual meeting. Even the hideous abomination of a name didn’t dampen our spirits.
Enter Charlie Brown, stage left, running for football.
Horizon version 5.1 came with release notes. Included in those release notes were four (4) pages of fixed bugs from the previous version.
“WOOHOO! They actually managed to fix some bugs! They really meant everything they said! I’m not upgrading yet, but I can’t wait for version 5.2!!”
Still running, he crosses right toward football, held by Lucy
Version 5.2 came out. With five fucking pages of fixed bugs from version 5.1. FIVE. Cinco, cinque, cinq. Five. One more than four.
“Oh dear. Well, I’m sure it was just a wad of legacy problems from before. They’ve got it all set now. I’ll just wait for 5.3.”
Lucy removes football. Charlie Brown describes a gentle cardioid in the air, propelled by the strength of his kick.
Word to the wise, folks: If you run a software company, especially one that charges grossly inflated prices to buyers in a niche market, you need to have software to sell.
Version 5.3 came out, and I was already committed to its purchase and installation. It arrived with . . .
. . . yes, you guessed it. SIX pages of fixed bugs from the previous version.
Resounding thud as Charlie Brown’s ass indents the stage. Exit Charlie Brown, USL
I think I’ll pause to single out one shining example of the Peter Principle at work.
Vice President of Product Development Rick Ferren: you, sir, are a choad. I cannot think of any better single term to describe your smarming, lying, “it’ll be fixed in the next release,” anything-for-a-buck monkeyshit.
See, the library in which I work wanted to use the great new web-based cataloging system offered by expixpixtchech. But I knew it had some problems. So I called Mr. Vice-President Rick Ferren, back in February 2000.
“Hey, Rickc,” I say, innocently, “We want to install WebCAT. But y’all have a Java version coming out. Should I get that one or the existing HTML version?”
“Hey, Andros, there’s a better idea,” Mr. Pile of Dung in Starched Shirt tells me. “We have a Brand New Product coming out, named . . .”
(bum-bum-bummmmmm)
"iPAC. It’ll be out by April. It’ll be great, really–fast, no connection errors. . . " Captain Fucknuts proceeds to extoll the virtues of the Brand New iPAC. He gets a developer on the line to tell me all about what the product is, what it’ll do.
Enter Charlie Brown, stage left, still dusty, but undeterred. Lucy sweetly smiles and sets the football in place.
April, huh? Well, it’s already February. I can wait until April to get a web-based catalog online.
Charlie Brown runs for the football
April comes and goes. “It’s in Beta testing–we want to make sure you get the best product. We expect release in late May or early June.”
Thud
May. June. Into July. “Oh, it’s almost ready. We’ve rolled it out to early adopters for final testing.”
Run
August. September. “Soon, really. We’re fixing some final bugs.”
Thud
October. “November 1, guaranteed.”
Run
November 1 . . . And dear god, it’s out. It’s out! It’s released! The Web-based iPAC Brand New Product for my lil’ ol’ library is out!! I can install it!
Head bowed, nostrils flaring, foot inches from ball, knowing that this time, THIS TIME, he’s finally going to kick the football!
" . . . oh, that’s a known bug with some installations on NT. Yeah, it kills all server processes. No, there’s no workaround. We’ll have it fixed in the next release."
THUD
Four goddamn releases of the bug-ridden piece of electronic smegma you have the gall to call “software” later, I manage to get the fucking thing working. Consistently. I only had to rewrite six, count 'em SIX of YOUR fucking perl files, you sons of motherless goats, and I COULD HAVE HAD A WORKING WEB CATALOG OVER A YEAR AGO IF i HADN’T LISTENED TO RICK “VICE PRESIDENT OF BUNNY MOLESTATION” FERREN, YOU FUCKING USELESS CHOAD.
And I’m goddamn good and fed-fucking-up with talking to Jeff K in your excuse for a support department. I’m sure he extremely 3133t. But he’s the bastard child of an idiot and a fool, with some asshole on his mother’s side.
Thanks for listening.
exuent omnes
