More of an MPSIMS, but somehow too mean for that forum.
I was e-mailing an old acquaintance from home, and I mentioned that I lived in what’s considered the “sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll dorm.” She wanted to hear about it, so I wrote up this list, which I’m copying from the e-mail.
20 Things I Have Learned from Living in Peet Hall
1a. Don’t take the towels down from the windows in the 3rd floor lounge. Hell may hath no fury like a woman scorned, but it certainly hath no fury like a ferociously hung over girl whose roommate kicked her out for the morning.
1b. Under no circumstances should you ever turn on any lights on the 3rd floor.
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Be super-polite to the natives while watching TV in the 3rd floor lounge. “Can I change the channel?” can be interpreted as “May I eat your firstborn?”
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Just stay the hell off the 3rd floor altogether. You’ve heard the rumor that some kid down there had a shotgun in his room last semester.
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Stay off the 2nd floor whenever there’s not a TV in the lounge. That one’s full of kids who drink wine cooler and have high-school-type conversations about clothes and hair and whatnot. The 1st and 2nd floors are so radically different from the 3rd and 4th (which I live on) that it’s like living in two different buildings.
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Don’t say anything to the housekeeping staff that’s not an out-and-out apology on behalf of the residents. You know how much they hate cleaning this building. You know how filthy your floor is. It’s full of people who are too lazy/drunk/high to go get an ashtray, so they ash on the carpet and put their cigarettes out on the couches. And after all, you remember how furious they were when they found that Tower O’ Furniture that one Monday.
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When you and some classmates are talking, and they mention that The U of Whatever doesn’t have housekeeping, and you say “Wow, if my building didn’t have housekeeping, it would have burned to the ground a long time ago,” it’s not necessary to add “I live in Peet.” They’ve figured that out.
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Wash your clothes regularly, even if your clothes aren’t all that dirty. Otherwise, people will always be asking you if they can bum a cigarette.
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Always wear shoes outside of your room. Remember when you stepped on that little piece of glass from the fo’ty (40 oz. of malt liquor) that busted against the wall?
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It is not rude to ask someone “What’re you on?” Rather, it’s akin to saying “Did you go to dinner yet?”
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The preferred slang for marijuana here is “weed.” Back home, it was “pot.” Aren’t discovering regional differences fun and exciting?
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That guy who burned holes in your art project didn’t mean it. He just smokes so much weed that he has no concept of reality. He probably didn’t even know he was burning something.
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If you are going to borrow No-Doz, make absolutely sure that what the person gives you actually IS No-Doz.
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Ritalin: It’s Not Just For Kids With ADHD Anymore!
14a. Yes, a 120-pound girl can do 11 shots of Jack in an hour and live. You know because you saw it.
14b. People light their cigarettes in a really interesting way after 11 shots of whiskey. They light the middle of the cigarette. It isn’t a signature way of smoking, it’s 11 shots of whiskey.
14c. They make Jack Daniels in gallon size.
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“Dude, the Cub Foods doesn’t card!!!” - half the people in my building. (Guess which half!)
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“If you are going to be sick, PLEEEAASSE make an effort to make it to the toilet. We don’t want another floor charge because housekeeping had to clean up vomit.” - a sign in my bathroom.
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That guy with “Freebird” on repeat at its highest volume in his room doesn’t actually like “Freebird.” In fact, he’s not even in his room. No one knows why he does this, but he did it on 9/11 for several hours, so it must have a lot of meaning to him.
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Don’t assume that that completely baked guy in the 3rd floor lounge is a student here. Remember how you read in the Security Report a week later that he’d been “escorted off campus”?
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The reason you have so much money, food and supplies is the same reason your floormates don’t: - 1-2 packs of smokes per day, and that’s just the legal regular purchases.
Aaaaand the best story so far:
20a. When the fire alarm goes off at 3:30 AM, and the building is completely full of smoke, don’t go to another building and call the fire department. It’s not a real fire; it’s just some idiot who decided it would be really cool to set off a fire extinguisher in the basement.
20b. If you’re ever in serious trouble, call 911. The county fire department showed up in 2 minutes flat, while it took security 20 minutes ON FOOT to get over here. You’d think they’d notice a fire alarm going off in Peet and think “Oh my God, it’s finally happening!”
Although in all honesty, I kind of like living in Peet. No one hassles me for playing my music too loudly or living in my own filth. Other dorms have dippy floor events such as Hawaiian Day and Crazy Hat Day that everyone has to participate in. There’s no way this would happen in my building.
I read in an underground newspaper today that one of the goody-two-shoes dorms is having a war between the 2nd and 3rd floor, because the 3rd floor is a smoking floor and the 2nd floor (gasp!!) isn’t. The girls of the 2nd floor have guilt-tripped the girls of the 3rd floor into toweling the doors whenever they smoke, and are running up and down the halls in the 2nd floor screaming about how they can barely breathe in this filthy environment.
Those girls would have been eaten alive in Peet.
