I earn more, and I manage the books. We have one joint checking account, and each have a personal account into which a small amount is transferred each payday. We also have a joint savings. All bills are paid out of the joint account, and most daily expenses. Luxuries or any larger item, we discuss before buying. Even if I know if we can afford it or not, it would be extremely discourteous to decide I’m buying a new car without discussion. If he uses something I bought for myself (like that tub of Starbucks coffee ice-cream…Java Chip…Mmmmmmmm), then I just buy more.
[QUOTE=Maastricht]
How do you and your SO solve these problems?
[ul]
[li] Whose (expensive) whisky is it? You bought it, but your SO finished with friends, which are not entirely your friends. (substitute whisky with car, space, equipment, or other stuff, as needed) [/li][/quote]
Why would this be a problem? There’s no issue to solve, here.
[quote]
[li]You earn more or less then your SO, but neither of you wants to make a big deal out of it. [/li][/quote]
Well, if neither wants to make a big deal out of it, then obviously it’s no big deal, and there’s no problem to solve, either.
[quote]
[li]You both earn money. You’ve made a division of who pays what. Yet, you also both feel you contribute ever so slightly more then your SO does. This feeling is only ventilated during really nasty quarrels, but you somtimes suspect it is lurking in the backs of both your minds. [/li][/quote]
I would suspect that people who find your system “cold and calculated” don’t have these kind of feelings lurking in the back of their mind.
[quote]
[li]You want to buy some personal luxuries. Do you buy them with household money, pocket money, your “own” money? [/li][/quote]
My own money. I never had a shared account with someone I was living with (I’m currently single).
The same thing I do with them when I’m single. Keep them until I balance my account, or throw them away. I never felt I had a duty to report to anybody else about my expenses, let alone to show receipts.
I pay all fixed debts. Rent, car payments, insurance, student and unsecured debts (which is all one payment) and such.
Mrs. RickJay pays all variables and utility; food, clothing, cable, phone, heat, power, gas for the car, baseball expenses, and all other consumables. We both have enough left over for little out of pocket things.
Fact is, I DO contribute more, in dollar terms, than she does, because I make far more money. But we don’t look at that as being unequal; IMHO, we contribute the same amount, since ALL her income is going towards the family, as is all of mine. She’s working just as hard; it’s an accident of chronology that she is younger, has been working for much less time, and therefore makes less money. It’s the equivalency of effort that matters.
With respect to the OP’s specific issues:
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The Whiskey Question - In our house all belongs to both. If it’s consumable, it’s yours, just don’t try to use up something you know the other will need before more can be purchased. All my things are hers and vice versa.
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Earning More - See above. Frankly, it’s a retarded thing to quarrel about, unless you want to spend your life alone until you meet someone with exactly the same income.
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See above.
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Buying luxuries - It depends what a “luxury” is. We both have a small amount of extra money. If it’s more than that we’d have to pool our money, or else it doesn’t get bought.
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I throw all receipts out after a couple of months, if they’re personal. Business expenses I have to give to my employer.
It’s very simple. I don’t tell her how to spend her money. I don’t tell her how to spend MY money.
Actually it’s very simple. We both have our own finances. All expenses are split 50/50. She owns the appartment and I pay rent = 1/2 the monthly mortgage. Should we get married, I have the option to buy into the appartment for 1/2 of what she has put into it at that point, excluding the rent I have paid to date.
We generally take turns paying for meals and going out and whatnot so that I (the man) pay approximately 75% or so. For example, I will pay for the $150 steak dinner. She pays for the $5 video rental and a couple of $3 ice cream cones.
We’ve pooled our income from the beginning of our relationship and that’s worked well for us for 18+ years.
All monthly expenses come from our joint account and anything over $100 we touch base with one another first. I pay the bills, balance the checkbook and show him what’s left over (usually not much!). I don’t think we’ve ever had a major disagreement over money.
My husband pays the mortgage and most of the household bills. I pay for groceries and any other bills he doesn’t cover. Basically, he pays most of the expenses and I pay what I can since my income is far smaller than his. Still, what’s mine is his and vice versa. We’re planning on making both our banking accounts joint accounts or simplifying and just having one joint account and one or two savings accounts, but we’re lazy people when it comes to stuff like that, so we just haven’t gotten around to it yet. I’m also not on our condo’s ownership papers, but we’re hoping to move to a house sometime soon, so I’ll be on those. Like I said, we’re lazy and just haven’t gotten around to it. But we’re both very relaxed about who pays what.
Our handling of household finances has morphed over the past year of living together.
At first we had our own accounts plus a joint account - into that went a certain amount from each of us every payday. (He makes more than I do but he has more debts and financial commitments than I do). From that account we paid for bills, groceries, etc. We used our own accounts for all individual purchases and to “treat” each other to dinner, a movie, whatever.
It seemed to get too complicated when it came to home improvements, trips, pets, car repairs, etc … so we changed our system. We just pool everything now and keep a small amount aside to buy each other a little treat or to spend on silly things for ourselves. As others have mentioned, the only tough part will be handling gifts for Xmas, birthdays, etc …
When we kept everything very separate, the fact that he made more than I do seemed to come into play more, but now we’re much more settled & comfortable with discussing money, etc and it’s just not an issue anymore - what’s mine is ours and what’s his is ours. It’s wonderful!!!
S.
Thank you for your answers, all ! Very interesting to see how others manage these things.
The examples in the OP (f.i. the Whisky Question) I formulated a little “cold”, maybe even a bit hostile, on purpose. I feel principles become clearer when the discussion is about potential problem areas, rather then about situations where everything is peachy.
I’ve wondered about Mangetouts, Kalhouns and others expressed sentiment that being married truly makes you feel “one” with your spouse. To me, that seems like almost like a superhuman sentiment. Can couples keep that up all the time? Or is that expressed sentiment more like an ideal then reality, something to aspire to?
I thought **Roland Orzabal ** had a very good point. (Don’t change the username, R.O ! I’ll miss your posts when I can’t recognize them as yours anymore, and that would be a shame!)
Most earnest couples, indeed, want an equal and fair distribution of money. It is my personal experience, like Rolands, that if there is to be a difference, that both prefer to be seen as the one who gave a little bit more, not the one who is indebted to the other.
My SO and I are no exception. We are just more explicit then most in that we make *sure * we’re not indebted to each other. We feel that an attitude of “Oh, we don’t keep tabs” doesn’t hold up, over a long time. Insecurities, minor irritations, even a feeling of being underappreciated in other area’s (work, friends) tend to spread out into a relationship. Before you know it, you have two spouses who both, thanks to an selective memory, feel they contribute more and get less then the other. We feel that it is better for both of us to give such resentments no foothold. At least not in the financial area where it is relatively easy to be exact.
Bottom line: if you both want an equal sharing of costs, why not show to each other that that, is indeed, the case? Trust is good; knowing is even better. That such checking interferes with romance is just an idea.
I make it, she spends it.
Notes: I have a BF; we are long-term, but live separately; no kids together, he has 3 from previous relationship.
He pays for everything we do together. On Saturday night, I had to run to the corner market because I forgot to get eggs when we were at the market earlier (he paid for the groceries) and he insisted I take his wallet. He’s insisted that I learn to forge his name in case something happens. He’s insisted I memorize his PINs for the same reason.
I pay my rent, car payment, bills, etc., and he pays his. He also supplements me by buying things my budget won’t allow for (DVD player, refrigerator, misc. entertainment). His idea of our joint budget is showing me what he has available to spend on us each month. He takes good care of me. 
Dunno; it just happens - especially on the financial side; it’s just a lot less effort to throw it all in one common pot than it is to worry about who pays for, is responsible for and owns what.
We are separate individuals though, of course and in nearly all cases, there is dialogue in the arrangement of things like social arrangements and commitments etc. but becoming one entity in marriage is just like living in, and sharing the same house, without keeping dibs on any particular room, or chair, or plate - only on a broader scale.
From my POV, being married and remaining separate is the thing that would entail superhuman effort.
I don’t know that it’s all that superhuman. My wife and I use this method. We have one bank account where all the money gets deposited. All bills are paid out of that. There’s just no pressure to have MY money and HER money.
Actually, it would sort of feel weird to have our finances separate.
There is no “her money” and “my money.” Mrs. Bricker is a SAHM, but does translation work for a national magazine’s Spanish-language edition. I make the larger salary. We have joint accounts, and spend what we need to spend. Small purchases we simply make; large purchases we discuss with each other first. I cannot imagine being married and not doing things this way, but whatever works for others is great.
So you’re an anarcho-syndicalist commune? Is that what you’re saying?
My paycheck goes into a joint account. Household/living expenses are paid out of it. Periodically, any accumulated surplus is shuffled over to a savings account. When she has a job, her paycheck goes directly into the savings account.
I just make the money, she’s more or less the accountant.
Generally the disagreements about money are either me wanting to buy some piece of frivilous electronic crap we don’t need… or her wanting to drag me to a store, torture an opinion out of me about something I acknowledge we need, but have no strong feelings about, and then buying whatever she likes, anyway.
How do you and your SO solve these problems?
Whose (expensive) whisky is it? You bought it, but your SO finished with friends, which are not entirely your friends. (substitute whisky with car, space, equipment, or other stuff, as needed)
The next one that wants whiskey goes to the store and gets more.
You earn more or less then your SO, but neither of you wants to make a big deal out of it.
You both earn money. You’ve made a division of who pays what. Yet, you also both feel you contribute ever so slightly more then your SO does. This feeling is only ventilated during really nasty quarrels, but you somtimes suspect it is lurking in the backs of both your minds.
N/A
You want to buy some personal luxuries. Do you buy them with household money, pocket money, your “own” money?
We don’t have our “own” money. Which ever one of us wants something puts it on a credit card and I pay it off at the end of the month, with the rest of the bills.
*What do you do with all those receipts, clogging up your wallet ? *
Chunk 'em.
Note: Our income all goes into one account. She charges stuff, I pay the bills. If we’re running a little tight one month, I inform her and she doesn’t charge as much until I tell her we’re back in the black. Then it’s charge away!
Really, the Missus is the purchasing agent. She buys what she thinks we need. I balance the checkbook and pay the bills. It’s 19 years and counting for us and we’ve never had a single quarrel about money.
Lady Chance and I share most things equally. We keep our hands off a few ‘personal’ items (her camera, my guitars, our separate computers) but otherwise it’s share and share alike.
She earns more than twice what I do and always has. It’s not a big thing.
Never once have we had a discussion conerning who contributes what to our finances. We both earn, I do the financial work (tracking, investments, whatnot).
Most non-routine purchases we generally clear with the other. It’s become habit
All receipts get cleared through me so I can track them in Quicken. Yes, I’m a quicken geek. Note: before we went electronic Lady Chance tracked them on a traditional checkbook. But I’ve been all over it for more than 10 years now.
I’ve got everything set up jointly with my wife. Both the savings and the checking accounts are in both our names. Ditto the house/mortgage, car titles, stock account, etc…
I work. My wife (usually) does not.
It all goes into the same pile. I keep track of the finances–balance the checkbook, update the savings. If my wife works, the monthly pile is bigger; if not, it’s smaller.
I’ve got all the bills and everything accounted for in a computer file. Each paycheck is budgeted down to the dollar–some for bills, some for savings, some for “allowance.” It’s all accounted for.
I do give each of us an “allowance” (hers is bigger) to spend on whatever we want without having to account to the other.
All spending out of savings is a mutual decision. We pretty much discuss everything and make decisions together (except for the allowance money).
I also do the majority of “housecleaning” He does picking up, dishes, laundry, and cooking (though I do all those things, less often). However, in ten years he has cleaned a bathroom maybe (if I’m generous) five times. I do almost all dusting and vaccuuming, mopping. He does most of the lawn mowing, I do most of the (very little) gardening. I paint. He makes phone calls, hires people to install gutters and writes checks (which he is very good at).
(I also take credit for having my mother - the White Tornado - who can come through the house do laundry, bathe children, clean refrigerator, organize closets and take the kids to the zoo all in four hours. Brainiac4’s mom is a wonderful person, but not nearly so…annoyingly motivated to keep my house clean).
I will say this about money - it became a lot easier when there was plenty of it. That was the real reason we were able to move from an allowance system to our current system.
I can recall once at the old house and once at this one. Although that one time here I cleaned all three bathrooms.
You are indeed very generous.
