I’ll be the patron saint of Motorcyclists!
…Err, nevermind.
I’ll be the real patron saint of Motorcyclists because the previous dude never even got his knee down!
Bless your chain my son, Harleys are teh suxor. Amen. sign of the cross
Beer…it provides pleasure for so many and keeps many a urinal employed.
yeah, I was gonna … is it too late to put in my bid for that?
It would be extremely cool to be the Patron Saint of Dark Matter.
Yeah, put me down for that.
Also, Patron Saint of the Cantor Set.
ETA: And the First Uncountable Ordinal.
Only if nobody claims that after you do. 
ETA: Misspoke myself! It can never be too late for that, only too early. 
Ah, yes, reminds me of these immortal words of wisdom:
Pies
I don’t know how I would substantiate this position, other than perhaps professing during my mortal life a pure and unwavering love for pies.
Ennui.
General Jackassery
Spell checking.
Existential Angst.
Saint Wreck, patron saint of boredom.
My miracles would revolve around boring you with my crap life stories. Yea, I talk too much! Give me a break, I am bored!
I believe that sending out homemade pies to all Dopers would definitely substantiate your position. I’ll take cherry. And lemon meringue.
Either nervous stomach or stage fright… hey, somebody has to be.
unfinished projects.
ETA --it’s not like I’m going to help you finish a project— just relieve you of your guilt that the project is unfinished.
Pedants.
There have been so many good choices that I was worried, but nobody took it. I will be the patron saint of toilet paper.
Abortion, Of course, this will require some radical changes in the Church. My miracles will be somehow bringing about those changes and making the world a much better place as a result.
Untangled knots- no one’s earbuds would ever wind up in a tangle again.
Seriously though, I do have a talent for untangling knots. Yarn, earbud cords, necklace chains, I can untie them all. Just today I had a co-worker bring me her necklace that had a knot in it and I was able to undo it in just a few minutes. It’s my semi-useless talent.
Sarcastic comments.