Offer a new fad diet.

Go ahead and offer us a new fad diet.

Mine? One meal a day, to be eaten at lunchtime, composed of three bowls of red beans & rice and two beers. It’s got all your essential nutrients–I swear it!

Buy your own ingredients, cook your own food, save the sugar for dessert.

I call it The Pre-McDonalds Diet.

Nothing but dehydrated vegetable powder and water.

I just heard a story on NPR about the world’s first ice cream cleanse diet.

The “Unveg” Diet: Don’t eat anything unless it had a face and a mother.

Eat whatever you like, so long as you’re standing on a bathroom scale at the time.

The No-Meat/Veg Diet, where you’re free to eat fungi and minerals to your heart’s content, but nothing derived from plants or animals.

The Stasis Diet - all meals eaten while on the toilet, ingesting food equal in weight to one’s outpourings.


  1. Pick up bowl of food
  2. Stand on scale
  3. Eat
  4. Set down bowl

You lost weight!

The seefood diet.

See food. Eat it.

Stop eating.

I had a coworker who lost weight by simply not eating for two consecutive days out of the week.

I wasn’t (entirely) kidding.

If you don’t get sticker shock upon performing Step #2, then more power to you.

It works because you first have to spoon out your own eyes.

Don’t see food? Sorry - you don’t eat.

My diet in college:

6 pack of beer and a bag of chips. Only 1000 calories per day.

Occasionally, for work, we’ll have to send someone up to a grocery store to buy lots and lots of rolls (like ALL the rolls they have in stock 10-20-30 dozen, whatever they have). One of the employees, if he gets an odd look from another customer will say “I’m on an all carb diet”.
There was a comedian about 15 or 20 years ago (or maybe my friend just made it up) that said “If you can’t see your dick, stop eating”. As dumb as it sounds, when your belly gets that big, it’s probably about the time to start paying attention to what you’re eating, but soon enough that you don’t have to go on ‘a diet’.

I went on a diet my brother termed the Downsize Me diet. I was laid off, barely ate and dropped 10 pounds in less than 2 weeks.

I went on a great diet. Lost like 15 pounds in one day and another 10 over the course of the next week or so.

Of course it took 9 months of preparation.

The Diet of Worms. Denounce Martin Luther for breakfast and lunch, and then have a sensible dinner.

For every carb gram you eat, you have to eat two grams of protein and five grams of fat. For every gram of fat, you have to divide yesterday’s fat intake by today’s projected protein intake, then add that to tomorrow’s carb intake, to get today’s minimum carb intake. If you eat a meal with more protein than fat, you have to eat a carb amount no less than the average of last week’s daily carbs and a random number selected by your cat. If you don’t have a cat, you can use the online My Cat Pal website, which will generate a random number for you. If the average ratio of fat to protein for the past ten days has been less than 75%, you get an extra 500 calories to be eaten between midnight and six am on an even numbered day, or between six am and ten am on an odd numbered day.

Pretty simple, really.