Offer me advice: my oldest child is turning 13.

In My Humble Opinion
21

You really want him to start the conversation, not you. You may have to do something that will come easily to some people, and be very hard for others- not fill up all empty time with conversation. Just sitting together in the same room reading, or doing some other quiet activity, without eye contact, can be good. Watching television could even work.

If you are doing this, make sure you are receptive when he does open up. You don’t want to say “Not now, I’m busy” or “Can it wait for a commercial?” when he wants to talk to you about something that is important to him.

Don’t pounce. Don’t throw a barrage of questions at him as soon as he starts talking. Don’t finish his sentences for him. This is true even if he seems to be having trouble getting it out. Don’t be too quick to judge, either. He probably didn’t start this conversation so you could tell him everything he did wrong. Don’t change the subject until he does.

If you bring up a particular topic in every conversation, he’ll start tuning you out when you bring up that topic. This is especially true if the topic is his faults. Make sure every discussion with him doesn’t become a discussion of what he’s doing wrong and how you wish he were better. You probably wouldn’t want to talk to somebody who continually harped on your faults, so why would he?

22

:: face palm ::

Now I know what all those motorcycle rides were about with my dad. He’d ask if I wanted to go for a ride and we talked and talked and talked and talked on those rides.

Huh. And all this time I thought he was an idiot. :wink:

23

Does he know the basics of things like cooking, doing laundry and other household chores, and personal finance? He probably won’t learn those things in school to any meaningful extent. He’ll probably live by himself at some point in his life, and he’ll need to know those things then.

24

He cooks lunch for the whole family once a week. It’s usually something simple like macaroni and cheese, but once in a while he decides to cook something fancier.

He is responsible for his own laundry, and often forgets to do it until he’s totally out of clean underwear, but he certainly knows how to do it.

As for finance, he gets an allowance, and sometimes he makes extra money by doing chores like picking weeds or washing the car. We’ve talked about credit cards and how interest works.

What else?

25

Have you told him to not be sexting and receiving and/or sending nekkid pictures, thereby drastically reducing his chances of being charged as a sex offender?

Have you warned him of the dangers of playing the choking game? The hit-me-as-hard-as-you-can-in-the-chest-game?

Have you advised him of the repercussions of getting into a car with a drunk driver, smoking dope, smoking cigarettes, etc., etc.?

I do talk to my teenage sons about sex, whether they like it or not. (They don’t.) The main things are a)don’t have sex, because even if you think you’re ready, emotionally you’re really not and you could also end up really hurting someone else and b)if you do have sex, use a condom.

26

Do you have a family budget? You might want to talk to him about the process of making one, paying bills, and so on. An allowance doesn’t really prepare you for that, if you don’t have any recurring expenses.

27

Have you told him that what happens on the internet doesn’t always stay on the internet, that it can have consequences in real life? If he posts something about doing something illegal, it’s possible that the cops will want to talk to him. If he harasses somebody on the internet, that’s a real live person with real feelings that he’s hurting. He should know that future colleges, bosses, etc, can find stuff he’s said on the internet, especially if he uses his real name or picture. He should know what personal information he shouldn’t share on the internet and why. He should know about spyware/viruses and how to avoid them.

28

Remember that there will be times when you address your teen, and you find you are not talking to your teen. You’re talking to the hormones. This is normal and the only solution is to remember you’re talking to the hormones until they release your teen back to you again. This may take several minutes, hours, days, or weeks. And it will repeat.

Speaking of talking, if you can say something in ten words, use ten words and not fifty. The longer you talk, the higher the chances some distraction (like the hormones) will pop up and your teen won’t be listening.

Most of the secondary schools around here have websites with “virtual learning environments” (I think Moodle is the big one in the US). If your teen’s school does, make sure you have the username and password. It’s a huge boon for following what’s going on at school, academically I mean. Socially, you’re just as much on your own as your parents were when you were that age.

Eat together as often as you can.

Let your teen see that you’re confident in his ability to make good choices and use his freedom wisely. Even if you’re not. And when he does make a good decision, let him see you’re proud of him.

He’s not too big to hug when he needs it. He’ll never be that big.

29

Tell him, very bluntly, what the rules are with regard to his privacy. If there are places you will snoop, tell him—if there are places where you won’t, tell him that. If you would read his diary if you thought his life was seriously in danger–if you suspected suicide, say–tell him that. If you would check his facebook if it were 4 hours after curfew and he hadn’t called, tell him that. Tell him these things NOW, when they aren’t at all an issue. Kids mind having their privacy violated a lot more than they mind having limits on their privacy in the first place.

30

Make sure he knows that, if he gets a girl pregnant, she can keep the baby and make him legally (and, in most people’s opinions, morally) obligated to send money for child support for the next 18 years. There’s nothing he can legally do about it once he’s gotten a girl pregnant.

Make sure he knows that these “you can’t get pregnant if” beliefs are false.

He should know that no method of birth control, including abstinence, works if you don’t use it correctly and use it every time, no exceptions. Ask Bristol Palin.

He should know that some teenage girls actually want to get pregnant (I knew someone like this in high school). Some of them will lie and say they are using birth control when they aren’t, and some girls may not be using their method of birth control consistently and correctly. He shouldn’t blindly trust that any girl who says she’s using birth control really is, and he should realize that birth control is not just her responsibility, but his too.

31

My advice on teenaged boys (I had two):

  1. Firm boundaries. If you say “maybe” they will hear the answer they want to hear.

  2. Don’t be surprised by the amount of food he eats. An athletic teenaged boy can consume his own weight in junk food each day and still be hungry! Don’t make it a big issue. Boys have concerns about their bodies that are just a valid as young girl’s concerns.

32

Actually, it was the great philosopher W. C. Fields who said that children should be kept in a barrel and fed through the bunghole until they are 21, at which time you make the decision to let them out or plug up the bunghole.

33

Too funny! Just wait until he has a bunch of his friends over. You’ll think a flock of locust hit your kitchen!

In all seriousness, you sound like you are doing really well. Just keep making it up as you go along.

One thing I REALLY disagree with is the commonly expressed thought that all teenagers turn into terrors. That has not been my experience (3 kids, currently 22, 20, 18). Sure, there are moments with each of them, but all-in-all we were able to insist on respect for family members, contribution to the household, adherence to household rules, and the like.

You got a lot of good advice already. Figure out ways to keep the conversation going. We always found family dinners to be a big one, and made it a goal to have as many meals together as possible. Now, with the kids at college, they have all said that one thing they miss most is our dinner conversations …

And figure out something to do with each of your kids. Work on the car, bike rides, my son and I paintball. I’ve always been the “ask a direct question” kind of guy. Even tho you can’t really say, “Tell me about your love life,”, I never had any problem saying, “Don’t do anything stupid, always use protection, and don’t get a girl pregnant.”

Do not let him make you feel that you are not entitled to keep good tabs on where he goes, what he does, and with whom. Let him know that to the extent he proves himself able to make good decisions and give you the information you require, he will get more and more freedom, privacy, and responsibility.

Do not discipline him in front of his friends. And be very careful you don’t just point out the million things he does that piss you off. Search hard for the one or two things you can actually say he did right. And even though you shouldn’t have to, you really do need to repeat yourself a million times over stupid things that should just be common sense.

Make your home a place where he and his friends want to hang out. Set rules and stick with them. We always felt we were pretty strict with our kids, but they all told us they appreciated that they knew up front what they could and could not do, and really liked that we were consistent, and respected their plans and obligations. What they hated most was when their friends’ parents changed their minds about things at the last minute. And talk things out with your wife to make sure you are on the same page. Even if you disagree with her, you have to present somewhat of a consistent front and let the kids know you will not be played off against each other.

Require that he contribute in specific ways. Yardwork, housework, a part-time job when he turns 16. And insist that he not drop the ball with schoolwork. In HS things actually start to matter for the first time. Lots of folk say “Let the kid fail and learn a lesson,” but they can dig a mighty deep hole pretty quickly. I see no reason to just stand aside and let that happen if it can be avoided - with the lesson still being learned. Note, I am not saying to do his work for him…

From everything you say - and the fact that you are even asking this question - shows you are on the right track. But just because the kids look and act older in many respects, you have to put in as much parenting effort over the next few years as when they were young. The kind of stuff you’ll deal with makes you realize how silly the things were that you got worked up about in kindergarten …

There IS a finish line in sight. Right now you cannot imagine how sweet it is when your youngest kid heads off to school, or otherwise leaves the house! The house stays clean, the food lasts so long, there is always a car in the garage, your schedule is your own… Yeah, I’m bragging! :stuck_out_tongue: I’ve been where you are. It is hard work, but well worth it.

34

If you’re religious, it’s time for him to start taking more responsibility for his own religious life, and time for you to back off. Forcing a teenager to keep going to church turns a lot of them off from the religion they grew up with. It makes them see religion as an unpleasant thing that someone is forcing them to do. Forcing someone to do something doesn’t tend to make them like it better.

You need to back off on this, even if he’s making choices that aren’t the ones you would make if you were him. This is true not only of religion, but of things like hair, clothes, food, what classes to take, etc. He has to start making his own life choices someday. Some kids who aren’t allowed to make that kind of choices until they are 18 go a little crazy when they aren’t being supervised by their parents for the first time. Better to ease him into making his own choices while he’s under your supervision and you are there to help him with any problems he encounters.

Don’t put down his interests, even if they’re not interests that you share. Let him talk to you about them, even if you couldn’t care less about them. You don’t want him feeling that there are topics he can’t discuss with you.

With each of them individually, not all together all the time.

This has two purposes. For one, it shows him that you love him as an individual, not just as “one of the kids”.

The other purpose is to allow him to bring up sensitive subjects that he wants to talk to you about. That’s hard enough to do without your siblings there when you do it.

35

I wish someone had told my parents this!

36

The best line over Horseshoe is fairly far to river left, but not so far as to splat on the rocks.

More seriously, there is a lot to be said for outdoor adventure activites for teens – it lets them explore and test boundaries, develop self-confidence, and blow off energy.

37

This is still a point of contention with my husband and his mother, but they have a good relationship despite it. She still wants him to be the child she always imagined having (some sort of philanthropist “republican” newscaster type I guess), and he’s not. She still loves him and accepts him, but can’t seem to stop herself from nitpicking about his appearance or interests, none of which are harmful or out of the “normal” spectrum.

This is a great idea, and it works with adults too; some of the people I know who are very reserved about their personal lives open up when we’re doing activities that don’t require a lot of eye contact. Make it a habit to have some activity where you’re spending time bonding with them that you both find enjoyable.

To add to this: not every study method works for every student. I’m pretty flexible with what worked for me, but my most productive study habits looked like I was goofing off the whole time. I’d lay my books out on the floor, put on the radio/a cd/the television so I’d have some background noise, and I’d plug away at homework. Occasionally I would fall asleep doing homework; it happens to the best of us, and me sitting at a table/desk would have made me more distracted and prone to the occasional “textbook as pillow” nap. Don’t force your kids to do homework your way, especially if they don’t seem to be able to get it done in a reasonable amount of time or the methods you’re teaching them directly contradict their current instructor-- even if it also works, the teacher may not appreciate you undermining their methodology and dock your kid’s grade just to show the both of you who’s boss. <– It’s dumb, but some teachers do it.

These two are super important, and sometimes come together in the same teenage girl(s). If he’s sexually active, he needs to be responsible enough to use protection every time and to provide it for himself. Teenage girls and grown women have been known to “provide condoms” that have been tampered with to improve the chances of pregnancy. Also, you don’t want to catch any sexually transmitted infection, and condoms help with prevention of this to a greater extent than not using condoms.

Make sure he knows that oral sex is another way to catch unintended STIs, and that they’re MUCH more evident than the genital variety. (My university safe sex informational club really loved to show us not only the images of genital STIs, but the ones dealing with oral/facial ones. Chlamydia of the eye is not pretty, and neither is oral herpes.) There are a lot of good resources out there for this stuff, and if he’s not too resistant, check out some books from the library on it-- he can look at it in private and, if needed, discuss it with you afterward.

I had two older brothers, only one of whom I remember as a teenager; during that time period, we had invested in warehouse buying memberships just to keep us in staples like cereal and milk. Teenage boys will eat more than you expect them to, and will probably be consistently hungry. Don’t be surprised if this continues until he’s in his twenties; the teenage male metabolism can often burn through calories pretty rapidly in the course of a day.

38

Make sure he knows not to stick it in the crazy. You don’t want him having stories for a future thread like this one if he can avoid it.

Make sure he knows common warning signs of an abusive relationship, whether physically, psychologically, or financially abusive. Don’t think, and don’t let him think, that abuse in relationships is something that only happens to women and girls, or that doesn’t happen to people in (insert ethnic or religious group here), or that only happens to poor, uneducated, or dumb people, or that only happens to people with other mental or emotional problems, or that only happens to married people, or that only happens to older people. Abuse by a significant other happens to men, boys, members of all religions and ethnic groups, atheists, agnostics, rich people, educated people, smart people, previously mentally healthy people, unmarried people, and young people, too. Don’t let him think that abuse other than physical abuse isn’t “real” abuse. It is. Don’t let him think it’s his fault if he gets into a relationship that is showing abusive tendencies. An abuser might say that to him, but it’s not true.

Make sure he knows that there is nothing he could possibly say to you that would make you stop loving him.

Make sure he knows you love him and value him even when he is not successful.

He’s a little young for this yet, but make sure he knows that “no means no”, and that having sex with someone who can’t consent is rape. He doesn’t want to be accused of rape.

The time for him to learn about protection is before he becomes sexually active, not after. You don’t want him having his first few sexual experiences while ignorant of how to prevent pregnancy or STIs. A boy can get somebody pregnant the first time he has sex, and you can get an STI the first time you have sex.

39

Also, the immunization against the types of hpv that cause cervical cancer that teenage girls have been getting for a few years are now approved for boys. I’m getting all my boys shot.

40

I told him that once you post something on the internet you can’t control where it goes or what happens to it.

And I told him never to post anything online that he wouldn’t want his Nana to see.