He needs to know that, if he’s at a party with his friends, and something is happening that he’s not comfortable with, he can call you (or his dad) and get a ride home. If he wasn’t participating in anything you find objectionable, you shouldn’t punish him for being at a party where others were doing something objectionable. Objectionable activities that might happen at a party could include drinking, drugs, or worse. Way worse.
Clinical depression often shows up for the first time in the teenage years. Know the signs and be on the lookout for them, especially if there is any history of depression in your or your husband’s families. Make sure he knows he can and should talk to a trusted adult (ideally, you or his dad) if he’s feeling depressed. Take it seriously, if he does say he’s feeling depressed. You know that depression is a serious but treatable illness, not a character flaw or something someone can just “snap out of”. Make sure he knows that, too.
You need to really make sure he understands about sex. Not only how to prevent pregnancy but to keep safe from other STDs.
One thing I have noticed is boys can’t grasp the concept of “It’s your responsibility regardless.”
I would talk to teenagers and tell them, “What if the girl lies and says she’s on the pill and isn’t and she’s pregnant.” The boy will say “It’s her fault, not mine.” Then I spend the next three weeks explaining why no judge CARES ONE BIT about that.
And why he’ll spend at least the next 18 years taking care of his kid. This is why birth control is always to be used, regardless of what the woman says. I in no way mean to imply women are liars, my point is, since the end result is a baby you will have to support make sure you are using protection as well.
When I turned 13 my mum taught me how to ride subways, balance checkbooks, pay bills and such. It was very good since she died when I was 16 (dad died when I was 11) so I HAD to take care of myself and was actually able to do this very well at a young age.
I’m coming out the other end of teenager years. My youngest of 3 is almost 19.
It was a fun time. Yes, they can make your hair turn gray on occasion, but it’s also the time they really discover who they are and that’s kind of neat.
Lots of what has been said is good advice. I would not, however, take your child aside and confide that you KNOW that in a short period of time he will become a drug user/sexual deviant and that’s it’s O.K. I also wouldn’t assume that there’s SOME BIG THING he’s dying to tell you but can’t. Most of the time, a teenage boy’s mind is empty, the blood is going to another organ.
I would tell him two things and two things only -
Your door is always open, he shouldn’t be afraid to tell you anything. You’ll deal with it together.
If he ever finds himself in a jam, stuck somewhere he shouldn’t be, you’ll come get him no questions asked.
The place my kids all opened up was in the car. For some reason, that was when they really talked.
Deadbeat dads, single fathers (with custody or not), guys with herpes, and guys with HIV are not generally considered to be much of a catch by most women and girls. None of those things are going to improve your chances in the dating market at all. That’s one reason why he should use a condom every time if he’s going to have sex.
Another thing that makes men unattractive to a lot of women and girls in this country is smoking. There are a lot of women and girls who would never consider dating a smoker, no matter how otherwise desirable he was. According to this article, 65% of American women would not consider dating a smoker. Tell him that, if he starts smoking, he drastically reduces the pool of girls who would consider dating him. This might impress a teenage boy more than the health risks of smoking.
When my youngsters were 13-14, we sat down with them and made a list of the things they would need to know to function as adults. We figured we had 4 teachable years left. Then we set about checking things off. Everything from how to make a doctor appointment to how to change a tire to writing a thank you note to doing laundry to making tuna casserole.
We also took the time to lay out behavior expectations. Along the lines of “We really don’t think we should need to ever punish/discipline you again. Here’s what we expect–participation in family life, consideration/politeness to family members, contribution to common work tasks, communication. We’ll work with you to transition you to adulthood as quickly as possible. Your opinion matters to us–if we are letting go too fast or too slow, approach us calmly and responsibly and we’ll see what we can work out.”
Our children’s teenage years went smoothly–which may have absolutely nothing to do with our rather bureaucratic laying out of expectations and goals. But I do recommend clear communication and a mutual understanding of the “rules for communal living” and the skills they need to master to be considered an adult.
Corollary: Do not inform him at any point that he’s under control of ‘the hormones.’ This is arrogant and condescending when you’re talking to a woman who’s upset, and it’s arrogant and condescending when you’re talking to a teenager. True or not, whenever my father would blame something on “hormones raging out of control,” the effect was that it minimized my feelings on the subject and made my thoughts seem unimportant or irrelevant. That, of course, made things much, much worse.
I agree with you on this. However, if someone took a sponge and said, " This is your brain and this water represents hormones. let’s soak it for a bit in water to see what happens…Oooh…look…all drippy…too much. OVERSATURATION." It would have made a good visual for my self involved years 13-99.
Of course, This was back in the 80’s, when my brain was saturated with this hormone stuff and Doctor’s who knew this STUFF and My MOM would never had had this kinda discussion. And I still woulda slammed the door. Of course now, as my body is downshifting, hormones are depleting and I still may punch something, but at least I will know it is because my hormones are causing me to act irrationally. and my daughter’s and son’s are amping up. For this this is Prozac.
He might be learning to drive in a few years. Would you be happy if he drove like you and his father do? If not, start working now on the stuff you do while driving that you wouldn’t like to see him doing. “Do as I say, not as I do” doesn’t work any better in driving than it does in anything else.
Telling him about the effect that hormones have on his brain is different than dismissing something he has to say or how he’s feeling by saying “it’s the hormones, stupid”. If you want to tell him about brains and hormones, do it at a time when everybody is calm. Don’t do it when he’s upset about something. Don’t give him concrete examples of things he has said or done that made you think he was under the influence of hormones. He’ll figure that part out for himself eventually.
What worked for me was to always remember what I went through as a teenager and try to see the what they are going through from their eyes.
My son was a bit tough for about 6 months, just before he turned 13. then I started looking at things his way it opened up our communications.
Never had much of a problem with my daughter.
I guess I won the kid lottery.
ETA this does not mean that I stopped being their father, or stopped with the discipline, just means I looked it their way.
Don’t think, because your kid goes to a good school, or because you’re socioeconomically well-off, or because you’re part of a particular ethnic or religious group, or because you’re a good parent, that you don’t have to worry about things like drug use or teenage pregnancy.
norinew could tell you that psychiatric problems don’t happen only to kids with uninvolved, uncaring parents.
We don’t live in the just world, where bad things only happen to people who have done something to deserve them. We live in a world where bad things happen to good and bad people alike.
I don’t have any kids, but I am an uncle. I told my brother’s youngest daughter “Dress however you like - whatever you wear will wind up at Goodwill eventually. Do whatever you like to your hair, die it, shave it off, tie it in knots - hair will grow back. Just don’t get any tattoos.” I showed her a picture of me from the 70s in a powder-blue polyester “leisure suit” and explained that, at the time, that hideously ugly thing was in style. I told her that I was lucky that I never made a decision that I would wear that same powder-blue polyester leisure suit every single day for the rest of my life.
So far, the advice seemed to have helped as she just turned 19 and is tattoo-free and appears to intend to remain so.
My mom made sure all of us kids were capable of doing a load of laundry, feeding ourselves - basically housebroken.
In addition to my own nieces and nephews, I’ve become a sort of adopted uncle to a friends three kids. I do their computer support and have to explain about how viruses and malware get in there, as well as the permanence of what they do on the net.
My friend’s daughter had, like all of her friends at the time, a Xanga account. She went to a Catholic school. Some kid had posted something about one of the nuns.
The school responded by going onto Xanga and finding each kids account.
And printing them out.
And sending them to their parents.
My friend’s daughter’s account was susanlovesthecock (name changed).
I was there when the envelope arrived. That was a fun afternoon. I showed her the Internet Archive, and how any web page could be archived presumably forever. She’s become a lot more circumspect (or at least more effectively sneaky).
I love this idea! I can think of all sorts of things he should know like how to recognize a scam to how to get blood stains out of laundry! How to pay bills online, how to apply for a job, how to plant a garden! Love it!
One of my mother’s biggest frustrations is that, whenever she asks us “what would you like for (special occasion)?”, our answer is so completely different from what she would like it to be.
What would you like me to cook for your birthday?" has a 90% probability of triggering “spaghetti in tomato sauce and roast.” She’ll complain that it’s “too easy,” we’ll point out this is actually a good thing because it means she won’t be deadly tired for the meal itself, she grumbles for days.
When it’s us asking each other and we get back such a clear answer (like that one, or a wishlist of gifts…), we say “I love it when people make my job easy, thank you!”
Giving someone what you would have liked is projecting; it’s unlikely to hit, and may easily offend. Negotiating rewards (as part of the whole negotiation of rules) shows respect, shows that you’re aware this is an individual and not a piece of you.
I am now 27, I have been staying outside by myself for about 3 years. As I am unable to show my location, I am not from US, but from a small island country where housing price is extremely high (A German expat staying here was complaing he could get a mansion back at Germany for what he is paying for rent). So it’s not unusual for kids to stay with parents till you are married (which is when you are elgiible for government housing).
I have to put up with my mom’s “You are turning into a bad boy” and “your attitlude is getting from worse to worse” for years (since 16, heh) until I got a chance to move out. It was a big risk. I am still paying for it.
So saying such things really do hurt and spoil relationship. Don’t try it on your child.
and my daughter’s and son’s are amping up. For this this is Prozac.
