Office Politics: Need Advice Desperately!

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hello all, it’s been two tumultuous years since the last time I got on here.

Now I desperately need HELP on this.

I’ve been working for a Car Insurance Company since 2006, and if I’m honest with myself, I absolutely despise working there, what I’ve become and how I am with people.

And three people were the tipping points.

Ok

Here it goes <deep breath>

Last May I had thought everything had gotten settled down and was ‘adequate’ not great, but manageable, I didn’t like the job, that was for sure, but I accepted it as my lot for the time being. However 3 new female starters on my team completely threw my whole working life upside down. For reasons of privacy I’m going to assign initials in place of their actual names.

We’ll start with the first woman ‘K’

K - started at my place last year and sat next to me at work, she is attractive nonetheless, however I didn’t think too much of it, we get to know each other, and an attraction starts up, endless flirting, and then it starts to get out of hand, next minute, the entire office starts talking, and the pressure builds up to go beyond the usual flirting, and I ask her out, time passes, we eventually do go out, obviously it wasn’t as good as expected for the both of us. Then the nightmare begins.

The next day she had a driving lesson with her male driving instructor, when we came back to work, she goes on endlessly how funny the guy is, and the texts messages he sent her, I get jealous, and it makes even more awkward, looking back it is plainly obvious that she was giving me the brush off in an insincere manner.

We start to not talk to each other, now being placed away from each other (the manager usually swaps team members around to encourage change) the silence is amplified and she gives me the complete cold shoulder. After repeated attempts to talk to her, a month later, this continues, I’m still very attracted to her, but am hurt and also angry that I allowed someone to kinda use me in a place I had worked and didn’t like for a very long time (That is my opinion) You see, K had come from another town to live with her Grandparents, and didn’t know anyone in Manchester, and also didn’t have any friends here. However, in my defence, I didn’t know **K **liked to get drunk all the time with her friends and pole dance (non professionally, just for a laugh) and have a personality in which she wants every guy around her to worship the ground she walks on. Thats what I found out after I went on a date with her, and after I didn’t speak to her again.

This sounds trivial, but it speaks alot about how little things get amplified in an environment like the one I’m in, for instance, because of this situation I had with K, I decided not to go to the canteen for lunch and eat with my co-workers again, I now eat dinner out of work on a regular basis, she eats lunch with them.

Now H

H - This woman is someone who on the surface level appeared friendly enough, only to find out to my horror on a trip to London that she was the most miserable coniving manipulative bastard I’ve come across in my young life, and also in which I spent three days off work pretending to be ill deciding as to whether I should go back to my job at all.

She was for a few months a good friend, nice, talkative, but then, something changed, she started to talk less and less, we all went out for dinner, she spoke about how she disliked K, and how we should go to London together, I agree, and with my friend **J **(I will give description after this) we go.

However,

Leading up to the trip, she is repeatedly snappy with my and my friend J, she is awkward, non responsive, and is very friendly to the manager who she gets along with well, and other members of the team, one shift we were on I over hear her tellin one of our co-workers that ‘I’m weird’ and she didn’t even want to go on the trip.

We eventually go to London, and it is a unmitigated disaster, she is miserable throughout, and walks off and does her own thing without me and my friend J, at the end of the trip, H causes us to miss our train, and also blames me for it, not to mention, telling my friend** J to just leave me in London as she has the tickets if we miss another train. Anyway, to cut this short, we get on a train, however me and J **are sat together whereas H is sat on her own for a 4 hour journey.
I try to make amends and talk to her, whereas she just tells me to fuck off. By this time I’m absolutely enraged, as I had tried to be as accomodating as possible for her in our trip to London so she could do what she wants to do, so I saw it as a slap in the face, and a betrayal.

I tell my friend **J **that I want to quit, and I’m not going back, so after a calmin down, I skip work for three days, and then come back, to my horror, as H has told everyone at work that I was ignoring her, and was being horrible to her, and that basically the entire thing was my fault.

My friend **J **starts crying at work, this brings my manager into it, and we talk about what happened, he calls H into a meeting room, and I demand an apology from her, she apologised without any sincerity, so it was kind of meaningless, but this scenario again at the workplace has now forever blacklisted me as some sort of douchebag, and I didn’t even do anything! I went to London on her insistence, and had always been nice to her!

After all this I stop speaking to her completely. She’s been very pally with K, acting the best of friends and continues to manipulate (again, my opinion) people for her own advantage, with K, she goes on trips with her to Blackpool, and goes on nights out. With the manager she hangs around with him and talks to him alot. She even organised a team night out to ‘raise team morale’ 6 people turned up, and that included K, nonetheless they had a good night out.

With these two, all of my team is a no go zone for me now, as I cannot forgive the shitty hand that has been dealt me in the last year, I feel completely outcast, manipulated and used for other people’s gains, and the worse thing is I can’t even get revenge agains these bastards.

Now last but not least, J

**J **- started at the same time these did, but I didn’t really get friendly with her until around mid August time, right about the same time things were falling apart with K.

**J **had also been seeing someone at work, and it fell apart too as soon as he took back his ex-girlfriend, and she talked endlessly about it to me, misery loves company I guess, but it went completely to the extreme, she is a complete nutcase (again, my opinion) she endlessly sings my name, feels my elbow, tries to link her arm with mine, is embarrising in public, we went out once and she got so completely drunk and shouted my name (LOUDLY) continously that I felt nothing could get any worse, she would constantly psycho-analyse, she never wanted us to go eat in the canteen, and when she wanted to eat with the other co-workers, she wanted me to go as back-up, and because I didn’t want too, she briefly broke off her friendship with me. You see I like her as a friend, but her negatives outweigh her positives, she keeps asking me to out on day trips with her, but I resoundingly say no, because all we ever talk about is work and work relationships and how they’re affecting us, and what will happen etc. Our friendship is based on that.

But the bitch of it is is that she gets along with the rest of the team quite well, even though she doesn’t like them, however she hasn’t had so much of a slap in the face as much as I have, so she can be alot more civil and appear more team spirited. It’s like she’s got me all to herself and she can do whatever. That’s one thing I hate about her.

And that’s not the worse thing about her, she’s embarrassingly confrontational and loud, she always says things at the wrong time, she’s always calling me retarded, and always bitched to me (EVERYDAY) about how she wanted to quit her job and ‘start her new better life’ and with her, I’ve become more isolated and regarded as a weirdo than ever before. She’s also very controlling and is always enquiring on what I do and what we should be doing for lunch and work. Any advice I gave her is immediately shot down and discounted. In short, it’s like talking to a brick wall.

That’s the three people in my working life who’ve helped destroy what dignity I had for myself.

I’ll admit as any normal person who wants a normal working life, that other peoples opinions of me matter, especially people who I had worked with for two years, to have been completely altered by these women. It didn’t help that I wasn’t well liked before hand, but for my reputation to be pretty much demolished has made me contemplate suicide as I don’t see a way out. I don’t blame them completely for what happened, I blame myself for being open and naive.

It’s damaged my self esteem alot, I’m not confident at work, I’m always quiet, I can’t join anything team related as everything I do is tainted and refered back to these people, and I always have to hear how great H and K and their friends have had wonderful nights out and are always laughing and getting along with everyone.

And then there’s me and J, outcasts in a place we work, both professionally and socially.

I hate my job, I fucking hate living right now. I hate everything about that place and everyone in it. I’m full of rage, and I’m full of hurt and anger, but I can’t express any of it, and these experiences have turned me into a worse person, because I’m more colder and cynical about people more than ever, like, I absolutely do not trust anyone whatsoever. I don’t even want to try and get another girlfriend, because it’s been so tarnished by K, or even try anymore being sociable at work, since the end result is a crazy bitch a manipulative bastard and a slut.

HELP!!!

HELP!!!

HELP ME!!!

2

Start looking for another job ASAP. Please! This is a very toxic environment for you.

Your downfall has been that you’ve become too emotionally attached to your female coworkers, which is very very unhealthy. It sounds like you and these 3 women are young, like your early 20s, because some of the behavior sounds really like middle-school-age children.

Do you have any male friends at work? What about in your life outside work - do you date, or have a set of good friends you hang out with?

My advice would be to look at work as ONLY work, and not a social environment. Be professional, be courteous, and do not let this petty childish behavior affect you. Turn off your personal emotions when you step through the door. Focus on doing the best job you can at your work, and ignore the social cliques. Look at it as being beneath you.

Please please start looking for another job. I know it is very easy to get comfortable and complacent - a very similar thing happened to me, and in hindsight I really regret not leaving several years earlier.

And let me finally stress, please try to develop your social life outside of work. It sounds like you are lonely, and this is why you attach so much importance to these work relationships.

3

Thanks for the advice, I guess it comes down to stubborness at the end of it all, and that’s on my part, the reason I tell myself is *‘why should I, when I’ve been here for so long, have to look for another job just because of these assholes’ *That’s the kind of attitude I’ve had at that place.
Complacency is the biggest thing, the job markets dire at the moment, and I’m afraid if I jump ship from this job and go to another, I might make an even bigger mistake.

Yes, you’re right, H is 21, K is 19 and J is 23, the same age as me. I did have male friends at work, but the majority of them had left by 2007. My manager is Male, and three others on my team are as well. I get along with them, but they’re not the best ‘friend’ material. Two have already been absorbed into K and H’s group, the other never talks and is not interested in social interaction (The best bet)

I used to hang with my two best friends outside of work, but since they’ve got kids and settled down (They’re both 23) I rarely get to see them since they’ve got other responsibilites. I don’t even try dating, everytime I do it is seems to be a disaster, so kinda forget about that.

4

Ryan I must agree with nyctea. In my opinion, you should recognize that you and your workmates are relatively inexperienced in the corporate world. For chrissakes, these girls are barely out of their teens. Men and women of this age group play fucky-fuck games all the time. They are still trying to figure out how to communicate and deal with the opposite gender. I understand that you might feel trapped in this job, but I agree that you should covertly start looking for another job. In my experience, you don’t have to be friends with the people you work with, but it is a bitch if they are enemies.

My other advice is that if you are truly contemplating suicide, you need to seek professional help. I can tell you from personal experience that the friends and family left behind after a suicide go through a living fucking nightmare.

FWIW, this is coming from someone twice your age and with far more work (and life) experience.

HTH
V

5

Not to be confrontational, but you sound like an adult child. The whole tone of your post is high school drama. No matter where you go if this is the way you interact and perceive the world there will be trouble. You are a grown man, you need to step way back and stop getting involved in these immature dramas, especially with female co-workers. This is just a much your fault re how things have panned out as theirs.

6

Revenge? Suicide? Outcast? Your reputations is “pretty much demolished”? Seriously, man, you need to readjust your priorities. What exactly did they cast you out of? Why were you depending on these bitches to be your friends anyway? Your whole post sounds like an overreaction. It’s like you’re determined to focus on how awesome they are and how shitty you are. That’s ridiculous. You should know by now that you’re blowing it out of proportion.

Just tell them off already. You don’t need them, so why do you let them walk all over you? If tomorrow, you haven’t made one of them cry, you’re making a mistake.

This is, of course, assuming everything you’ve said here is true and they’re the liars.

7

This deserves repeating over and over and over and over and over again.

If I understand your post correctly, you have either dated, traveled, or gone out with all three of these women and you still didn’t learn. Work is not the place for romance, period. For every one relationship that works out, countless others turn into drama.

Get out. Start over. Readjust your priorities (you really don’t have to be loved by everyone) and grow up a little. Your post sounds like you’re living a high school nightmare.

8

Let me retell your OP the way I would expect a 23 year old man to tell it:

"I banged this girl K from work.

I tried to get with H but she’s a psycho bitch.

I’m pretty sure J wants me to stick it in her.

I kind of want all of them to shut the fuck up and leave me alone."
:wink:

9

If you don’t want to look for another job…I know that it’s hard to find a job right now…

I would echo the another poster’s earlier advice about turning off your emotions and treating your job like it’s, well, a job. However, I know how extremely hard that is to do and I think it will make you miserable as well.

So if you can’t “turn off” and you can’t find another job, try another tactic. You’re clearly feeling a bit depressed right now, and depressed people tend to think the whole world is against them even when it’s not the case. I get this impression because you keep talking about H and K’s “group”, like parts of the office have clearly chosen sides. I think you’re focusing too much on K and your hurt feelings about her.

Have you thought how you are coming off to people? If you’re depressed you’re probably uncommunicative and grouchy with everyone. Who wants to hang out with a grouchy person?

So my advice is to be friendly with a couple of people you think are in H and K’s group. Try to approach them while they’re alone without being stalkerish about it – you know, if they and you are coincidentally in the same area together. Instead of thinking “that person hates me” try cracking a joke and smiling. I think you’ll be a bit surprised at how they react to you.

If you’re consistently friendly to them I think, given time, you will find the office a much more hospitable place. Perhaps later you can try to patch up the friendships with K & H without expecting too much from them. They aren’t implacably and forever your enemies, they’re only pissy right now and eventually will run out of the energy to be pissy.

Good luck :wink:

10

Or…you could figure out how to deal with socially awkward situations at work so you don’t need to change jobs every few months.

11

Can I just say that using K, J, and H really slows down the story. It’s pretty much assumed you are using fake names anyways. You could have used Kate, Jan, and Hortence and none of us would have known.

12

Ha ha ha. Don’t get your meat where you get your bread.

13

Or, to put it more crudely, don’t shit where you eat.

14

Don’t dip your pen in the company ink.

Which actually is kind of unrealistic anyway. People routinely do hook up in the workplace but they learn to be mature and discrete about it. (Unless you work in a group full of gross chicks like I do…and even then…you know).

15

Don’t get your nookies where you get your cookies.

16

Woah woah, for claification, I only dated** K**, the rest were just friends, I didn’t have\want anything more with the other two.

17

They were nice friendly people in the beginning, and over the year turned into absolute bitches. It’s the about-face which Hdid which drives me nuts, ever since she ditched me and my friend J, because it seems like she manipulated us to achieve what she wanted.
They cast me out of the team, as in everyone on my team views me in a different light and are now wary of me and less sociable toward myself, there’s 10 people on my team, and before I got along well with them, it was only when these three arrived did everything spin out of control.

Well to be honest, this is the first time in which it has happened to me, so although I agree that I shouldn’t of ‘shit where I ate’ at the time I didn’t think it was spiral out of control and affect the entire work environment.

I know it sounds like a stretch, but that is exactly what happened, when I talked about H and how me and **J **went to London with her, she openly derided us in the office and was snappy and awkward towards us whilst making overtures to K and the manager, honestly, from my perspective, it just looked like she was engineering a situation in which she could dump us two and join the rest of the group to fit in FWIW

True, but I’m more depressed with that I’ve been left with, J is very annoying, argumentative and has kinda like isolated me from the rest of the group by encouraging an ‘Us vs Them’ attitude. Whilst I don’t blame her entirely, I don’t think she has helped me, as I say misery loves company, and she latched onto me very quickly.

By nature I’m not a guy who has much self esteem, and it is hard for me to let go of things, and because I’ve not spoken to the other people for so long, it seems very difficult to get things back to normal again, if ever. So if it sounds like a high school drama, I apologise, but you’ve got to understand, this has affected my health mentally and physically, and it’s not like I didn’t try to keep things civil, I’ve been going through this for the best part of a year now and I don’t know what I should do, hence why I cried out for help in this forum.

18

Book an appointment with your GP and talk to them about your mental health.

19

So, no threesomes?

Ryan_Liam, I do sympathize that you’ve gotten yourself into this situation. When you first start out working, you might think it’s like normal life and you just act like yourself. I know I did, until I was lucky to get schooled by more experienced folks around me. You can be friendly and sociable on the job, while primarily getting your work done, but ultimately you can’t be the self you would be outside of work.

You may need to leave this situation and be different at the next one, and that’s OK.

20

The economic climate over here is pretty dire. Can you get yourself transferred to another team or another office?