Oh no! I've become that douche at Starbucks with the complicated drink

Cafe Society
1

I don’t know how it happened, you guys. I mean, I used to be a straight-off-the-menu kind of girl, but slowly- over time- my order just got longer and longer.

Early on, I realized I am a mocha fan, so my order started as: tall mocha. Easy. Clean. No fuss.

But I quickly grew to realize that the whipped cream is gross and just waters down the drink. No dice. So, my order became: tall, no whip mocha.

And then I realized that I was getting incredibly itchy every time I got Starbucks. Oops- I had forgotten my milk allergy, duh. :smack: I’m not lactose intolerant, but I am allergic to milk fat. While whole milk makes me break out in hives, non fat milk usually doesn’t do much to me (once in a while it’ll give me a tiny itch, but nothing ridiculous). So, my order became: tall, non fat, no whip mocha.

At this point, I should explain why I’m not just ordering a “skinny mocha” (non fat milk, light syrup. no whip), as that would be much easier than the mouthful I’ve got. Well, Starbucks doesn’t make skinny mochas because they are a bunch of douche canoes. And there are no other coffee places near my work. Oh, and I suck at making my own stuff at home. I used to try ordering a “skinny mocha” at Starbucks, but the girl would get really confused (like a sweet puppy with its ears perked and head tilted) and say, “We don’t. . . have that. The best I can do is non fat milk and no whip, but that’s like, all we’ve got.” Which, I mean, that’s what I want, but it’s faster to just say “non fat, no whip mocha.”

Now that it’s summer, my order is perpetually met with, “Do you want that hot or iced?” So, in order to head off that question, my order became: hot, tall, non fat, no whip mocha.

But then I realized I require something stronger, so I have adjusted my order to: hot, double, tall, non fat, no whip mocha.

I’m one “half skim double soy 2 pump” or something from being a complete douchebag. And I feel dirty about it.
At least my coffee’s tasty. :smiley:

2

That’s funny!

3

But don’t you find that the hot is just too hot? I think you should add “at 145 degrees”, like I do. :smiley:

4

In a dirty glass.

5

I always laugh when I’m at the Starbucks by our Las Vegas office, as it’s in a business complex and you should see how complicated all the corporate douchers get with their heat specificity.

Sir, if you want molten magma for your morning beverage, well, you’re going to need to invest in some form of drill to the Earth’s core or something.

6

My favorite coffee order that I placed was also in Las Vegas. It had been one of those nights, and was thus being one of those mornings. I walked into Starbucks and said to the counterperson, “I need a big, ugly coffee.” She seems to have known what I meant, because she turned around and poured me a very large cup of strong drip. It was perfect.

7

Yeah, me too. :frowning: Grande soy no-whip two-pump mocha (and I pronounce the “whip” like Stewie Griffin (ok, not really)).

But at least neither of us do the “little bit” of this or “just a tad” of that–that’s super-douche territory.

8

Ha! One time, I was doing an over night drive and was already exhausted, so I stumbled into Starbucks and said, “I need caffeine. Lots. Like, a 10000 shot mocha or something,. Lay it on me.” The guy laughed and said, “Ok, but is it ok if I put some other syrup in there to cover it up? Otherwise it’s going to taste like camel spit.” :p:D

I swear to God, I took one sip of whatever he made me (it was in a venti cup) and it felt like a lightning bolt shot through me.

I don’t know what I would do if I heard someone at Starbucks saying whip like Stewie. It would probably make my life though- that much I know.

9

I have a prejudice against men who order douchy coffee drinks. The OPs order is fine in my eyes for a woman. But if I am in line and a guy ordered it, I would probably roll my eyes and sigh loudly.

10

I was right there with you until you asserted that Starbuck’s coffee is tasty. And then your words ceased making sense. I think Starbucks tastes like ass, no matter where I get it. The coffee tastes like the beans were burnt and then the coffee is made too weak, so everything ends up tasting like vaguely burnt coffee flavored water. Bleargh. Dunkin Donuts has great coffee if there’s one near you. Just sayin’.

11

Coffee Dork

I don’t even order anymore, they see me and start the venti mocha.

12

Damn you

I am right at the end of a migraine event and at the must… have…caffeine…and lots of it, stage, and my boss drove me home so I don’t have a car. The coffee we do have at home sucks ass, and the Starbucks in the Safeway is maybe a half hour walk.

Right now I want a hot triple soy venti mocha no whip. Maybe with a shot of hazelnut in it. And god damn it I want some really hard biscotti that costs more than the average daily wages in the developing world on the side.

Then I will probably go order lunch like Sally with everything on the side, pay with pennies and … um… there must be other douchey high_maintenance things a gal on a sick day can do.

13

I always get a short coffee. Maybe we balance each other out.

14

Hmmm … my Starbucks sells Skinny Mochas …

In any event, I don’t have a problem with specific orders. You want what you want. What’s NOT ok is being rude about it, as the lava-desiring customer described was.

In the winter I want a hot drink, but I don’t like it as hot as they normally make it. So, on the advice of a barista, I specify 140 degrees, which is their “kid’s temperature.” Why shouldn’t I get something I can drink right away?

My issue in the summer is that I don’t need (or want to pay for) a latte or whatever to get coffee + lots of milk. In the winter I can order a cafe misto, which is their term for cafe au lait. In the summer, when I prefer iced, I have to ask for a grande iced in a venti cup, and explain that I DON’T want it packed with ice because I want lots of room to add milk. You see, they don’t have a button on the register for an “iced cafe misto” … grr.

15

Here’s my issue: I get a mocha (it’s my favorite thing) and most places that aren’t Starbucks put WAY. TOO MUCH. MILK. in it. Like, way way way too much. Obscenely so. It always ends up tasting like chocolate milk. So, while Starbucks might be bitterish, at least their bitter espresso actually tastes like espresso when mixed with the milk. That’s why I favor them.

DD milk to espresso ratio is all off. Well, either that or their caffeine juice is too weak to be mixed with the milk. Panera doesn’t do an awful mocha, but it’s not amazing either. Surprisingly, the absolute best mocha I’ve ever had the pleasure of chugging was last week in Fiji of all places. Mmmm, delicious.

Ha! You know, every once in a while, when I can’t get my own coffee for whatever reason, I whine about it on Facebook and - inevitably- one of my nice friends will surprise me with coffee. Hey, it’s worth a shot! :slight_smile:

Thank you, sir. You and my father (who orders a plain drip black coffee) are working to right the douche levels of the world. And for that? The rest of us thank you.

I’ve regularly go to Starbucks in two different states, four major metropolitan areas and none of them offer a skinny mocha. The reason is that Starbucks stopped making their “skinny” chocolate syrup a while ago. Are you sure it’s an actual skinny mocha? They make skinny caramel and stuff, but not mocha. . . fuckers. Trust me, I’ve done serious research on this matter :D.

And how odd that they don’t just register in “cafe misto” then make it in an iced cup. They’re usually pretty accommodating about things.

16

Poor Mr. S. After I order my tall nonfat no-whip chai latte, he orders his tall vanilla latte. And he always, ALWAYS gets asked if his latte should be nonfat too. JUst because I’m a douche.

Once in a while I also ask for extra-hot, if I’m planning not to drink it right away (such as when I’m on my way to Weight Watchers to get weighed in). Extra douche points.

17

This male Venti non-fat hazelnut latte orderer has no issues with your douchery.

Gold Level perks here, baby!!

18

I don’t drink coffee.

(Sorry, I just came from reading the “SDMB Annoyances” thread and that was my first reaction to reading this thread. It was the most douchey moment I’ve ever experienced in my life and I will never do it again. Although it was fun so I might.)

19

Can I have a Coke, please?

I’ve never actually ordered anything in a Starbucks. Coffee is the ick.

StG

20

Please tell me you were just being witty along with ZipperJJ. . . otherwise, those two posts in a row are hysterical.