Oh please, just stop. (Long, rambling, pointless)

My sympathies for your situation. Every time I read stories like yours, I say a little prayer of thanks that I had the parents I did.

My mom made the decision to cut off relations with her father when I was in high school. I don’t know the details of their relationship; all I know is that he hurt her in some way, and that both she and her sister still have some lingering issues because of the way they were treated.

Despite the poor examples she had in parenting, my mom did a good job in raising us, because she and dad thought about each choice they made when bringing us up, and they treated us with respect. (I’m always amazed when I hear people say things like “This is how I was raised, so this is how I’m going to raise my kids”. )

I don’t know you very well, but from what I’ve seen, I think you will raise your children with thought, intelligence and maturity. Also, you are willing to admit when you have a problem and when something you’ve done causes a problem. These are the traits that make the difference between a good parent and a bad parent. So I think you have all the makings of a very good parent!

You know, it is your brother’s choice to try to be a go-between. This is the main reason I have tried to discourage my siblings from trying to contact our mother. I know that she will hound them for information about me. I have told my brother (who may have a link to her – if you read my last thread about my own mother) that he (and his offspring) are to claim no knowledge of my existence whatsoever. I told him I would be appreciative if he would start a rumour of my demise, even.

You can not control anyone other than yourself. Don’t try. Do what you need to do for your own sanity and let others drive themselves insane (or in your mother’s case, more so).

As far as a fear of being like her – having her in your life is worse than anything. Because then, it’s not a worry of being like her, but actually allowing her to damage you and yours. I am ever-vigilant against being anything like my mother. Do I sometimes slip up and say/do things that are reminiscent of her? Well, yeh – she was the only mother I had, so I never had a good role-model for the whole motherhood thing. Luckily for me, my own kids are so much like me, they don’t allow me to act like that woman long – they call me on it. My daughter has said to me before “mom, I know you’re angry, but you’re attacking me personally and this is not the time.” She’s a great kid and I am very proud of her!

You will have to learn on the fly how to be a good mother. It doesn’t come naturally, even to people who had a good role-model. It’s something we all learn by the seat of our pants. Have faith in yourself and let that woman disappear from your life.

As for crying – welcome to motherhood :smiley:

My aforementioned grandfather is on wife 5 or 6 (or is it 7 :rolleyes: ). With the exception of my grandmother (who died when Mom was a child) every single wife has divorced him because he was screwing around with another woman. The last time when he was around 80. :eek:

(When we found out that he had converted to Mormonism, my first reaction was that he had been attempting polygamy all of his life)