Oh poop!

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

An old story, but I was reading an older thread here yesterday that brought it to mind. It was a Black Friday a few years ago, and I had the stupid idea to high-tail it to Wal-Mart early in the morning and see if I could get any good deals. I took my folks along for the ride.

We go through the store and get a few items, noting how remarkably cordial everyone was to each other. When it comes time to cash out, we head to the front of the store and get into line. As the line moved forward, we eventually made it to the enclosed part of the check-out aisle (the impulse section), only to have our olfactory senses assaulted by noxious fumes that smelled like they came straight from the asshole of the hound of Hades. I looked at my folks and whispered, “did you fart?” Both of them shook their heads and said, “did you?!”

That fetid funk did not dissipate the whole time we were in line. We joked that someone must have shit himself. And then, we got to the front of the line, and there it was, the source of our misery, and I shit you not :D, someone had pooped on the floor in the front of Wal-Mart. I figured there were two possibilities: a person going commando in a skirt-like garment didn’t make it to the bathroom, or it was done deliberately by an irate customer. It appeared too big to have been left by a child (plus, there were none of the usual signs of children having an accident, such as crying), and did not appear to have been squished by anything on its way out (that’s why I figure it was a commando skirt-wearer).

Of course, I like toilet humor as much as an average 10 year old boy, so I could hardly keep myself from laughing, especially at the folks who walked by it. The looks on their faces were priceless. There was one teenage girl, texting on her phone, who almost stepped on it, but she managed to avert that catastrophe at the last second. Then she turned her head around and stared at it the whole time as she walked away. Was she afraid it would follow her?:stuck_out_tongue:

The poor cashier had the most perfect, “not in my job description” look on her face the whole time, until someone finally came up in bio-hazard gear to clean it up.

So, how many of you have had such shitty experiences when Christmas shopping?

2

I saw a little kid taking a whiz in the shoe department at WalMart once. His sister was pointing at him and going, “Ooooooooooo…” His mother was in the next aisle talking on the phone.

3

I remember one time back when I was working in a prison. There was a large mailbox where prisoners could drop off their outgoing mail. One prisoner had been in an argument with the mail room clerk. So he took a shit and dumped it inside the mailbox.

The mail room clerk was obviously not going to handle that. We spread a tarp out on the floor and dumped the mailbox out on the tarp. We made an announcement that anyone who wanted to retrieve their outgoing mail could do so and resubmit it in a new envelope. But anything that wasn’t picked up by the end of the day would be put in the incinerator.

Here’s a tip: You don’t want to be somebody who’s locked inside with a bunch of criminals and shits on their letters home to their families. He was quickly identified and we had to transfer him to another prison that same day to protect his life.

4

Well not in a Wal-Mart, but in the parking lot of a Target.

Earlier this week, I was walking back to my car from the local sandwich shop to return to my office. Ahead of me on my path, I noted an older sedan with all four windows rolled down. I thought to myself “Goodness, that’s weird!” Since mostly people don’t leave all their windows rolled down in crowded, busy parking lots - things disappear that way.

I glanced in one of the rolled down windows as I passed. There was a dude in his middle 50’s, dressed in a polo shirt and Dockers, staring into the middle distance and masturbating furiously. It was. . . something, all right.

5

Maybe Black Friday should be renamed “Brown Friday.” :smiley:

6

I haven’t run into any actual crap at a retail store or restaurant yet, thankfully.

But the OP’s tale did remind me of a quandary my father once found himself in. He was waiting in a checkout line, and squeaked out an SBD. Maybe not the most couth thing he could have done, but not really uncommon.

Until… the mother of the 2 or 3 year old in front of him smelled his fart, and started reading the kid the riot act for pooping in his pants instead of asking to go to the potty. Apparently the kid started crying in protest.

So Dad was left with staying quiet, and letting the kid get his ass chewed for something he didn’t do, or fessing up that “yes, I farted that horrid smell right in the midst of all you people in the checkout line.”

(I think he let the kid take the rap, but I’m not 100% sure)

7

My folks are workkampers (retired folk who go work in a campground or other tourist destination in exchange for an RV hook-up and a stipend.) One summer they worked at a campground in Virginia. My dad was basically the handyman while step-mom worked in the gift shop.

We went up to visit, and he said he could not tell us how many times he had to clean shit out of the shower. Always the men’s shower, never the women’s. It’s like they figured the drain was close enough.

For the past several years they’ve been working in shops at West Yellowstone, Montana, no bathroom-cleaning required. As my dad said, he’s too old to have to deal with that.

8

::makes mental note (you’d be shocked how often this comes up)

9

Not shopping, but a local church that was getting picketed by the Westboro Baptist Church had one of the little Phelps kids whiz into the daylilies on the church property. The rector of the congregation witnessed it and wrote to the paper about it, but they wouldn’t print his letter, so he put it in the church newsletter to get the word out. The WBC is a foul institution, in more ways than one!

10

So where I work, you used to have to enter through booths that would weigh you and scan your retina. You’d enter the booth, the door would lock behind you, then you’d swipe a card, punch a code and put your eye to a scanner. If youre weight was within certain parameters and you code and retina matched, the door on the other side would unlock and you could enter the secure area.

I was working mids when they called a security incident–someone had taken a shit in the portal. Now if you think about it, if you go in and find a pile of shit, you will probably tell someone. So the last person through the portal who didn’t report shit, probably took the shit. Sure enough, they caught a disgruntled lieutenant who decide he hated this place and decide to get back at the man “anonymously.” I have no idea what happened to him, but I’m sure he wasn’t in the AF very long–too stupid.

11

Well, he was an officer.:wink:

12

… but definitely not a gentleman.

13

Sure enough, they caught a disgruntled lieutenant who decide he hated this place and decide to get back at the man “anonymously.” I have no idea what happened to him, but I’m sure he wasn’t in the AF very long–too stupid.

I recall from my AF basic training days, a TI who gleefully instructed us on Day 1: The three most useless things in the world are cold coffee, wet toilet paper and 2nd lieutenants. :smiley: Maybe the good ol’ sarge knew him?

14

My employer was going through a round of layoffs many years ago. 3 days in a row piles of poop were found, one in the fuselage of a half built 737, one on a tool room counter, then on the desk of a manager. The person became known as the phantom shitter. Never had any more after the third. We figured it must have happened on the PS’s last day of work.

15

At the middle school I worked at a couple of days ago, word made it through the teacher grapevine that one of the special needs kids had just pooped in the hallway. It was cleaned up by the time I next went by there, but apparently a number of kids went right past on their way to lunch.

16

I know I have told this story before but this thread demands a re-telling.

My other half used to book bands for a few local bars. Sometimes bands would call a bar and the owner would refer them to my hubby. A band called him up, and really wanted a show in our town. (Thunder Bay ON, there is a whole lot of nothing between Winnipeg and Thunder Bay, and Thunder Bay and Southern Ontario)

They wanted a night that we knew would make no money. No one had heard of them, they didn’t have local friends, we couldn’t get a local act to open. They wanted a show. They wanted some income between point A and C, and needed us to get them a gig. We ended up saying that we couldn’t guarantee anything, and they could keep the door after we recouped our expenses, and they could crash in our rec room for a free place to say after the show.
We spent some money getting posters made. Three people came and paid cover. One person came and didn’t pay cover (he lived across the street and and came every day, for a few drinks then left) We gave the band the 15 dollars, ate the printer costs and offered them our space.
The next morning on my toilet I found a turd nugget. Perfectly spherical and placed at the 1 o’clock position on the toilet. It was both beautifuly Zen and insulting at the same time.

We stopped letting bands stay at our house.

17

I can’t recall ever leaving (or encountering) poop in anything but the proper recepticals. Except the time I pooped in the bathroom, but was too busy throwing up in the toilet to do anything about it (intestinal flu is a bad mother…)

Otherwise, I do recall the time in a parking garage about a block from my hotel when my kidney signaled it had to go NOW, so I crouched down a bit and whizzed all over another car’s tire…hope it evaporated before the driver showed up).

18

Not entirely germane to the thread, but this always cracks me up:

http://www.panix.com/~msaroff/shitter.shtml

19

I think the Air Force should have kept him. This lieutenant was demonstrably less full of shit than typical.

20

This is apparently a big problem in college dorms, too.

I used to work (at a hospital, no less) with a woman who ran across the hall to the public restroom to vomit when she was stricken with a migraine. When she came out, she appeared to have done it everywhere but in the toilet; it was all over the floor, the stall walls, the back wall, and was even dripping off the toilet paper roll and Kotex disposal can. :eek: I was surprised it wasn’t all over the ceiling. :dubious: She didn’t work there much longer, although not because of this.

I have several Facebook friends who live in the Twin Cities, and they, and other people too, have said that there’s a certain ethnic group of refugees who are notorious for (among other things) not using toilets. They use the closets at home :eek: :eek: and the sinks in public places. :smack:

Is there anyone who has worked as a fitting room attendant? I have also heard that those are not-uncommonly used as restrooms - and yes, I’m talking about women. :confused: If it’s true, maybe this makes up for men using the showers for #2.