Oh Ye Gods, Advice Desperately Needed

In My Humble Opinion
1

Background:

I am not not not a social person. I don’t like people in general. I keep a very small cadre of friends with whom I enjoy spending time occasionally and that’s about it. My best female friend and I might see each other 3-6 times per year – and that is exactly how I like it.

This doesn’t mean I don’t enjoy social activities nor does it mean that I am rude or unapproachable. I just have no need for the whole “let’s hang out ad infinitum” crap that so many other people think is the basis of friendship.

All of this leads up to the fact that one of the things I like best about my current employment is the lack of social interaction with other employees. We meet on Monday mornings and that’s it. If I don’t want to talk to the people with whom I work, I don’t have to – I can do any communications via IM or email. It rocks.

Now on to the current sitch:

There is a girl who works here (let’s call her Sam*) who seems to have a great personality. She is kind of youngish (I am 35, she is 26, I think), but very outgoing and nice. Since my cubicle is directly opposite her office door (she is in another department that warrants an office – not in any chain of command, so that is not an issue), I tried be friendly-ish to her. And she latched onto me. I say “latched onto” because I cannot think of any other phrase that quite expresses how it feels other than when one has a leech.

Don’t get me wrong, she is a nice person. She doesn’t want to borrow money (even though she is in chronic financial meltdown) or ask favours. She is just one of those people who think that if I am their friend, I will want to “hang out” every week, or every night after work, or that I will want to chit-chat on the phone, text message ad nauseum or (and this is the one that grates my last nerve) get 15 comments to my myspace page every day from her. I don’t. Gods, I don’t.

I am not a nice person. I would much rather have someone be honest and to the point with me. “Hey, Litoris, you’re clingy, go the fuck away.” I tend to be that way to other people out of respect. I know, I know – some people don’t like the direct approach, so I am working on trying to learn to be more touchy feely without throwing up in my mouth. Because I have to work with this person (I genuinely like my job and can actually see me staying here for many years to come), I don’t want to start some crazy office drama. – oh yeh, based on the phone conversations she has with her soon-to-be-ex and/or her current-live-in-boyfriend-who-is-her-sonn-to-be-ex’s-cousin (conversations, I might add that we all hear through her closed office door), I am betting if I do the direct approach, she will bring on the drama –

Help me? How do I handle this situation? Talking to her has little effect – I tried just being busy every time she wanted to talk, but then I got the “why are you mad at me?” whine. WTF? What I really want to do is pimpslap some sense into her, but, well jail just doesn’t sound appealing right now.

ARGH!

*not her real name

2

Is she new to the company?

3

No. She has worked here for over 3 years, and is full-time. I have been here for just over a year and only work part-time (another of the reasons I love the job – full-time pay & benefits but I only work 30 hours/week).

4

I think the only thing you can really do is take her aside and say "Look, you’re a really nice person, but at work I need to focus on work and not personal business. I’m not much for hanging out after work and things like that. It’s not about you, it’s just the way I live my life. We need to just keep our relationship work only.

People like this do not respond to hints at all. Ever.

5

Funny thing is, I tried a similar approach. She was constantly coming over into my cubicle and trying to chat with me during the day. Since my cubicle is catty-corner to the COO’s office, it was mentioned in my weekly “one-on-one” meeting with my supervisor that I needed to make sure she stopped doing that. I wasn’t “in trouble” but it was made clear that I could be if it didn’t stop.

I took her aside after work and said “Look, Sam, I like you a lot and enjoy talking to you occasionally, but at work, we need to either instant message or email, as I pretty much got in trouble for you hanging out in my cubicle recently. <the COO> mentioned it to <my supervisor> and I got my butt chewed. I really like my job and there are enough legitimate things I could be getting into trouble over, please stop hanging out in my cubicle.” She stopped coming into my cubicle for all of 3 days. That is when I tried the whole “oh, I am on the phone” motion to get her to go away thing, which caused the whole “why are you mad at me” crap.

Believe me, I would not be soliciting advice on this issue if I didn’t think I’d exhausted all the non-direct methods I can think of to use.

6

I don’t envy you because I would have a terrible time with this too. I’d like to think that I could say, “I’m not mad at you, I just can’t socialize at work” but I know I would end up being passive and get an ulcer over it.

I think your supervisor gave you a great out by warning you about this, because then you can make it about the job; it ducks donkeyballs that she doesn’t respect that and not want to get you in trouble. That’s what I would emphasize: Neither of us wants to get in trouble; you need to not socialize in person.

7

Why are the COO and your supervisor dumping this on you? You aren’t encouraging her, you aren’t going into her office to chat.

Sit down with your supervisor at your next weekly meeting, explain that you asked her to stop hanging around, and that it isn’t happening. Ask him/her for help. 2 birds one stone.

8

I agree with Tastes of Chocolate. Since you “got your butt chewed” because this girl is pestering you, you have an easy solution to your problem: tell your supervisor about it, tell your supervisor that you have already tried putting off the leech without success, and let your supervisor take it from there. Another route would be to see HR about it – because you are being blamed for someone else’s intrusive behavior.

9

No, don’t see HR. HR’s role in organizations is to advise management on employee issues, not to help everyone play nice in the sandbox. The advice to ask your supervisor how to handle this is a good one. A likely outcome is a sitdown with the 3 of you. Or maybe they move you to a less convenient cubicle or something. If your supervisor and manager can’t handle this (and I’d be surprised but not stunned) they can get help from HR.

I would be straightforward with the leech. If she has been there for 3 years, people know her issues. The drama will reflect on her, not you. Be concrete but non-judgmental as you describe the situation: you left me 15 MySpace messages, called me 3 times for 30 minutes each, and IM’d me at least once an hour every day last week. Say what you’ve said, and what has been suggested above, that you don’t socialize much and that’s just how you are, and the current situation makes you uncomfortable. Explain what you’d be more comfortable with: maybe having lunch together once a month, a MySpace update once a week.

10

All good advice. Thank you to everyone who responded. Let me say that I was not actually chewed out by my supervisor. She does know the girl’s issues and even noted that “I know Sam is having a hard time and you are just trying to be nice and give her a shoulder, but <COO> has noticed this.” It’s really a non-issue that I figured I could hype a bit and use to my advantage.

As for talking to my supervisor or HR about it – I don’t see this as a valid option for a lot of reasons, not the least of which being that it is drama. I was really hoping for a more passive way to deal with it – a more diplomatic way of saying “uhh, I don’t like you like that.” If that makes sense. I don’t want to hurt this girl’s feelings, she is genuinely a very nice (if way the fuck too clingy) person who is already having major issues unrelated to me (in the middle of a divorce, with 2 hell-brats of kids, her sister/babysitter went into preterm labor and can no longer babysit, house is in foreclosure, car is about to be repossessed and the transmission just went out on it) she has a LOT of problems, I don’t want to add “oh yeh and you’re really fucking annoying” to the list. I am not “nice” often, but I do try occasionally.

All that being said, I do appreciate all the advice and I will take it all under consideration.

11

Get your supervisor to send you an email telling you to cut down on the chit-chat. Show the email to Sam. Then smile warmly with your lips held tightly together and shrug your shoulders. You’ll have to show her the email once a week until she backs off to the desired distance.

12

Again, I gotta ask,“Why ain’t you making with the hook up for me?” :wink:

I agree with sunacres that you should say, “The boss is screaming at me about you hanging around here.” though you don’t necessarily need to get the boss to write up an email. I’ve found that sometimes just saying, the boss is having issues is enough to solve problems.

13

Dang, you must be seriously desperate to be interested in this one, nice as she is. heck, I used to joke that I (and my family) put the “fun” in dysfunctional – this chick takes the fun out of dysfunctional!

I think I will try the “I am getting in trouble for having you in my cubicle” schtick again. Since I have weekly one-on-ones with my supervisor, I can say it was brought up each week. Hopefully, she will chill out.

I was talking to my husband and I told him that the worst part of it is that her bday is on Saturday, and I would like to get her something (something small, chit, even with 2 jobs, I am barely keeping my own head above water!) but I don’t want to encourage her! I think I will get her something small and when I give it to her try to explain to her that right now, I am just under so much stress in my own life that I simply cannot handle the added stress of all her problems and can she please back off a bit. I am hoping that by taking the stress crutch, she will sympathise and back the fuck off.

Wish me luck. If nothing else, I can ease up on having her up my ass at work by using the “I am getting in trouble” ruse. There’s always caller ID to avoid the repeated phone calls (fortunately, she doesn’t know my home phone # and I can also remind her that my cell phone is in roaming when I am home, so I never answer it). I just hate doing stuff like that, it’s so insane – why can’t we all just be straightforward and honest about how we feel?

14

Hey, the crazies are always fun in the sack! :smiley:

15

If the passive method and the slightly deceptive “boss doesn’t like it” method aren’t working, maybe honesty, presented non-dramatically, would be the best policy.

Why not just be direct, as you were with us in the OP, but without the expletives? Explain that you don’t like having too much contact with other people. You only see your good friends a few times a year. You can decide for yourself whether you want to portray this as merely a difference in personalities or something approaching a dysfunction. (I’m not saying it is, you understand: I’m nearly as anti-social as you are.) But by taking it on yourself and making it seem slightly pathological, as opposed to merely a difference, you may make her more inclined to stay away.

This is obviously a variation on the “it’s not you, it’s me” method of breaking up with someone, which I happen to know is not only effective, but extremely common. (sob)

The only other alternative I can think of would be to do something that would make her not like you, but it’s hard to imagine something effective that wouldn’t be more dramatic than you’d like or at least have the potential of coming back and biting you on the ass. (Sexual harassment charges, anyone?)

16

You answered your own question in your OP…

As for your problem…I wish I could think of a solution. I would definitely recommend against doing the “blame your boss” thing. It’s a lie. To quote Sir Walter Scott, “Oh what a tangled web we weave, When first we practice to deceive.” Lying can really backfire on you. And it could really damage your relations with her when she finds out. And she will find out. The only way you should say that your boss is coming down on you is with your boss’s permission.

Perhaps you should start a program of refusing to engage with Sam…telling her “I’m sorry, I’m busy right now” constantly. When she asks “why are you mad at me?” give her the ol’ quizzical head tilt–“huh?” Throw in a “don’t be silly” or two…if pressed for a reason, you can always claim to be “a little preoccupied lately.” You don’t have to tell her that what you’re busy and preoccupied with is avoiding her. And always always have an escape strategy at the ready. Like, make sure that you always have “an important call you need to make.” Never mind that you’re just calling your buddy to say howdy.

Think of it as a variation on Miss Manners’ classic advice that if you want to turn down an invitation, you can claim “previous plans,” and you really don’t have to tell anyone what those previous plans were. ('Cause sometimes those previous plans are “anything except for hanging out with you.”)

And stick to your guns. It’s only by consistently refusing to engage with her that you will break the pattern.

I understand that you feel sorry for her. I would too. But your own sanity and job security is a higher priority. This is not a long-time friend whom you love and is going through a REALLY hard time. This is someone who is taking advantage of you. And nobody can take advantage of you without your permission. Some people are endless sucking voids of neediness. No matter how much you give, she’ll want more. So stop giving.

And if she causes “drama,” I think any rational person would accept your explanations of “oh, I’m just not that sociable!” or “I’m trying to focus on my work.”

17

Litoris - Is there anyone at work you can get her to attach to? Maybe a new person who needs a buddy. Someone who would like to have a person to go out to lunch with, that kind of thing. She leeches onto someone else and doesn’t have time for you.
StG

18

I agree with Green Bean that lying is a bad idea, but I disagree about the “refusing to engage” strategy. It sounds like Sam is oblivious to your subtle attempts to keep her at arm’s length. Naturally outgoing people usually are, because they can’t imagine why anyone would want to be alone. If you really want to keep her away, subtlety isn’t going to do it. That’s why I recommended frank disclosure as the most effective and least dramatic solution.

Another option occurs to me.

Since you say you like her, you might try becoming a little more sociable yourself, stretching your own limits somewhat. You may have to pretend you’re enjoying it a more than you are at first, but eventually you might find that people aren’t all as bad as you thought, and that spending time with them can be fun.

After trying it for a while (and it may be a strain at first), you could combine it with my previous recommendation of openness: explain that you’re just not as naturally sociable as she is, so you won’t want to spend as much time with her as she might like, but that you like her and you’re making an effort. Ask her to make a similar effort at restraint. That way you’re both making changes to respect the other, while working to adapt your own personalities.

As I mentioned before, I, too, am something of a loner, but I’ve found that when I put myself out a little more than I was comfortable with, I enjoyed myself more often than not. We get comfortable with our routines, but our fears and insecurities can hold us back from taking chances that might end up benefiting us. Give it a shot. What have you got to lose?

However, if you aren’t willing to try this, I strongly recommend against giving her any kind of birthday present. Major mixed message. “I like you/Stay away from me.” It may seem normal to you, but it will not to her.

If you’re not going to be direct, the only other option is a cold and consistent (but civil and professional) refusal to engage. It will probably be painful and unpleasant for both of you, which is why I don’t recommend it.