AWKWARD...facebook friend request from wierd girl at work with crush on me...

In My Humble Opinion
1

Hey, I’m back for more straight dope advice.

I have worked at this company for 10 year. about 6 of those years this girl worked in the same department as me. Apparently she had a big crush on me for like the last 3 of those years. I didn’t realize it until i switched dept’s… This girl is pretty much a social misfit. She doesn’t really have much of a social life… I have kind of helped her create a mini social life by helping her get some poker nights going…

Things got really weird recently when she insisted on me coming over to her house to talk…I went over- after she refused several different alternatives…I was ready for a very awkward conversation…which I planned on ending with …“I just want to be friends…” but she never quite got the question out…

Then a couple days later she sort of tried again at work… She was all wierd and quiet and it was very awkward and finally she says “Ok you used to have a thing for me right?” Where I almost had a spit take and said…“Uh…no…I never had a thing for you. I have always thought of you as just a friend. I am sorry if I ever did anything to give you that impression. I suppose I might have flirted with you, but I never thought of us as anything but friends.”

Then she sits there frowning for a while. And she says, “Do you want some examples of things you did?” And I was like…“uh sure.” And she says, “Remember that time in that staff meeting where your hand brushed my leg? And then you went into my office and took my water?” And I said…" Uh…no…But um…if I did I was just playing around. Really, I never thought of us as anything but just friends."

So then we enjoy some more awkward silence. And finally I ask, “Well, don’t you feel better now that we got that all cleared up?” And she responds, “Sort of.” Pause… “but I am not sure I believe you.” Where again I almost spit take… I say…" YOU DONT believe me?..Well…I don’t really know what to say to that. It is true. I never thought of us as anything more than friends."

Ok…fine. That was that. She didn’t express any feelings for me…she just kept saying our friendship was very important to her…and I make sure I am nice to her and say hi…because if I don’t she starts to think I am mad at her and she may insist on more private conversations at her house or something…

OK. That kinda gets us to the present. There were several other times where she said things…like the only reason she hosts a poker night is so that I come over…things like that…

Well apparently she has discovered facebook…and she has discovered I am on facebook. And she just sent me a friend request. I am feeling extremely awkward about “confirming” her as a friend…because I just feel like this wierd girl who seems unfortunately kind of obsessed with me…will just be reading everything I post about my life…looking at all my pictures…and it just feels wierd. I have started to use facebook as like a life blog and…I just feel wierd about how this girl acts toward me…and I don’t want her to have full access to my facebook…

But now if I don’t confirm her…she will be seriously offended…rrrg…and I don’t know how to say…" I am uncomfortable confirming you as a friend on facebook…because you seem to have a crush on me…and that is uncomfortable for me." That might invite drama…I prefer not to deal with…sigh…

Ok tell me I am a coward. Go ahead… What would you do?

2

You could friend her, and personalize your privacy settings so she has minimal access to your data, and then just tell her you do that for everyone from work or something.

3

I set all my stuff so only my friends can see it… Unfortunately I can’t say…“allow all friends except her.”

4

ok…you’re right…I can say “allow all friends except her…” but that is a pain…and I wonder if she will be able to tell…hmmmm

5

+1 to Ro0sh.

And it’s “weird.” Sorry, it was grating a nerve.

ETA: On your edit, especially for someone new on facebook, they might not know what’s supposed to be accessible right away. If you left your wall active for her, or something you found innocuous, but not pictures, she might not figure it out for a little while. It’s not the most intuitive interface these days.

6

I don’t like to hurt people’s feelings, so I get why you’re asking. Still, it’s more hurtful to let her keep this up. I think I’d send her an inbox message or an email message (her info page on Facebook probably has her email) and tell her that you just don’t feel comfortable with adding her considering the misunderstood communications of the past, then wish her well.

7

ok…i could block her from seeing all my photo’s and videos… I can even block her from writing on my wall…but I cannot block her from seeing my wall…which means she can still basically monitor all my posts and everything I am posting about my life…and I want to be able to enjoy posts and discussions with my real friends without thinking about this girl reading it…sigh…

Plus…if I block her from writing on my wall…and she sees all my friends can write on it but her…then…I will have to explain that…rrrrg

8

I have two Facebook friends groups.

One is “olds” - no status updates, no photos, no wall.

The other is “ex girlfriends” - no status updates, no wall.

First one, I don’t want obscenities, drug and booze references to upset my relatives.

Second one, I don’t want to offend a recent ex girlfriend if another girl is flirting with me or whatever. (Note the optimistic pessimism of the plural title…)

So you could set up a “cow-orkers” group with similar privacy settings and add her into that. No offence caused, and little stalking allowed.

9

or you could just stick it in the crazy…
I kid, personally I dont get why you shouldnt friend her, shes a bit akward so maybe seeing the kinds of things you are posting on facebook might actually help her to see things differently

10

oh man… Well I figured out how to do it… I created a friends group called “limited friends” and I am sticking all those people who I barely knew in high school in it…and I am restricting the bejesus out of their access to my stuff… and I will put the girl in it… and uh…i’ll just be like…yea I don’t let everyone have access to my facebook…

Sleeps with Butterflies… I am not sure what is the least hurtful thing to do for her. Unfortunately, she sees me as one of her only friends, so it might crush her if I refuse to be friends with her on facebook… She is acting like…there was never anything weird between us…she never actually said she had a crush on me… And I REALLY don’t want to have any more awkward conversations with her…

sigh…i guess I’ll try the confirm her as a friend and restrict her access… I needed a group like this anyways for “ex girlfiends” anyways…heh

11

I have an idea. How about saying something like…

“I am uncomfortable confirming you as a friend on facebook.”

Hey, I think you said something like that! I just took out the added explanation which might give her something to argue about. She can’t argue about what your feelings are.

It also has the advantage of being the truth. No need to make something up when the truth is fair.

You know you don’t have to answer every question that is asked of you. You don’t have to go to her house when you don’t want to. And you can always apologize when she is offended. (“I’m sorry you feel offended.”) But her feelings are her responsibility, not yours.

What you think about her is not her business until you choose to tell her.

12

Zoe…that is extremely tempting…except it will lead to her nagging me…until her head explodes…and me refusing to elaborate and discuss it at all…would drive her into a scary land of I don’t know what will happen… She will undoubtedly ask…“why not? Are we friends or not? Why won’t you talk to me about this at all? What is going on?..”…

It is tempting though…I love the simplicity.

13

Tell her you only use your Facebook profile for getting to know women you’re interested in romantically, and everyone else goes on the limited view profile.

14

I used to be very much “that girl” - I’d say you really need to ignore her as best you can, even if it pisses her off and leads to drama. Any further attention to her is going to make things worse. She’ll get over it eventually.

15

Ignore button. By far the best way to handle this.

16

You know that she thinks about you when she masturbates, right? You didn’t? Well, now you do. You’re welcome.

17

I don’t see what the big deal about accepting her as a Facebook friend is. The going over to her house alone for a “talk” is far more personal and committal. I have Facebook friends I barely know and have gotten requests from people I don’t know.

I say accept here and give her the limited access described above. If she gets really weird, you can always boot her and then you’d have an legit reason to “end it” with her at work.

But, I’m kinda with Critical1 above too. The crazies are always good in the sack. :dubious:

18

Oh, thank Og. When I first saw the title, I thought this was going to be about a sort-of friend of mine from school. She was on the phone just last night kvetching about sending out friends requests to people who didn’t approve her, and sweet Jeebus is she a weird, awkward one prone to borderline obsessive crushes on guys for next to no reason.

All you can do dealing with this type of person is to set hard and firm boundaries and stick to them no matter what. Do what you can deal with doing, and no more. With mine, I’ve just had to tell her that I have a lot going on in my life, family health issues and such, and a lot of the time I just don’t have the emotional resources to deal with anyone or anything else. So I answer her phone calls when I feel up to listening to her endless dramas of the sort you detail here, and when I don’t feel up to listening to it, I don’t pick up the phone. Sometimes I don’t listen to her for a couple months at a stretch.

I used to feel guilty about it, because as you say she has next to no friends. Telling her off feels kind of like kicking a puppy. A really obnoxious half-grown lab puppy keeps putting a huge paw right on your bladder and getting mud all over your new outfit, but still. But the main reason she doesn’t have any friends is that she isn’t a good friend. She hasn’t been there for me when things have been touch and go with the people I love, or when I’ve been down in the dumps over other stuff, so I really don’t feel bad at all about not being there for her when someone doesn’t friend her on FB, or whatever. I feel sorry for her, yes, but not guilty.

19

I’d go with this, or a variation. Only close friends get to see your profile while co-workers don’t.

20

If you “ignore” her friend request (by clicking the “ignore” button), she may well try to friend you again if she sees you on someone else’s page (and she will say to herself, “didn’t I friend this guy already? He must have ignored it”). You could simply let her request fester in your inbox (she can’t send another), but that seems a bit passive-aggressive.

If you want to, you can block her from seeing you at all (under privacy settings). She won’t find you in searches, or be able to access your profile from (e.g.) photos in mutual friends’ albums. She would not get any notices about any of this, the only way she’d be aware is if she actually tried to look for you and couldn’t find you.

It seems like the message you want to send to her is “I am not interested in continuing a friendship with you.” Blocking her in this way would send that message effectively and non-confrontationally. It may hurt her feelings but she has hurt yours, and nobody is entitled to your consideration if they don’t show consideration for you.

I have blocked two people this way and it made a lot of difference to my peace of mind. I don’t owe anything to people who don’t respect my boundaries.