I’m over 50, so I routinely get mail from the AARP(something, something, Retired People). I don’t know what they are trying to sell me, insurance I guess. I just trash the stuff.
But, yesterday, I got a this piece of mail. You may have gotten something similar before. The envelope was about half & half black and white with a big window and a yellow piece of paper inside. Across the top the word PERSONAL (in large block letters) and “to only be opened by addressee.” I don’t know about you, but when I see something like this, I know it is really important.
So, without waiting to get back to my desk and with eager anticipation, I rip this envelope open, wondering of what life altering information I have come into possession. Inside is a yellow post card. Written across the top is Supplement your Government Benefit of $255! (underlined and italicized). Now I’m excited! Then the next line said “Dear Senior Citizen:” Senior Citizen? That really took the edge off my enthusiasm. After a deep breath and a quick check of the name on envelope, I decided to read on.
These folks are proud to announce a Senior Final Expense Program (final expense?) that pays what Social Security doesn’t pay toward my final expense. They can be a clever as they want, but I think I know what they are talking about here. I’m getting really bummed now. I head off down the hall to my closet to drag out an old suit and prepare to lay on my death bed and await the grim reaper.
But wait! Although I’m fading fast, I’ve got to hold on long enough to mail the card back. These people are going to give me $10,000 and to see if I qualify, I just send in the card AND I will not be charged for this information. Just to make sure I realize that I don’t have to pay to see if I qualify, the next sentence tells me this is a “FREE” (capitalized and quotated) service to me. I put away my checkbook and read on. At the bottom in tiny letters it says that if I return the card in 5 days I receive a FREE (capitalized, but not quotated) copy of the Memorial Guide Book. I guess you can tell the excitement is starting to build again by now.
On the side of the card are a few blanks that I assume I should fill out although there are no instructions that say I have to. [ul][li]The first blank is for my name. Three inches to the left is my name on the address portion of the card. I guess they printed it there so that if I forgot how to spell it I could just look over there and copy. []The next blank is for my birthday. They’ve told me I’m a senior citizen and spoiled my whole life and they don’t know my birth date. []The next is for my phone number. Yeah, right, I’m not going to last long enough to be taking many more calls. The next is for my County. They know my street address, city, state, and zip but don’t know what county it’s in. Get a map and look it up.[/ul] Ok, I’m aggravated about this now, so I’m going to just throw the damn card away and go on about my life as if I’m not retired, a senior citizen nor about to die. The hell with them.[/li]
I did sorta want that Memorial Guide Book, though.
Jim