That’s right. My permanent AARP (that’s American Association of Retired Persons for those not in the know) card came in the mail today. Now, get outta my way, you whippersnappers, while I drive 20MPH down the middle of the road searchin’ for me some senior citizen discounts.
Actually, I am not entitled to all of the benefits just yet. I am 50 years old, a mere pup by AARP standards. However, as I age, I get to move up to more and more old geezer stuff. That’s how I shall measure my life from now on. Birthday milestones henceforth shall be measured by whether or not I move up a notch in AARP benefits.
Now, if you all will excuse me,I’ll just hitch my pants up around my chest and go shopping. Let’s see, I need:
[ul]
[li]Efferdent[/li][li]PoliGrip[/li][li]Geritol[/li][li]A Truss[/li][li]Trifocals[/li][li]An Ear and Nose Hair Trimmer[/li][li]Peppermint (I’m old, I’m supposed to have hard candy on me)[/li][li]Preparation H[/li][/ul]
Dagnabbit! Where are those car keys! Why do I need car keys am I going somewhere?
I didn’t mind going gray in my 20s, nor did I care when I started balding in my 30s. But g*ddammit, I’m in my 40s, and I have to have my earlobes trimmed when I go to the barber. That’s an insult!
Just a note, my friend. When you go in to the barber’s next time, make sure you don’t ask for your earlobes to be trimmed. In addition to insulting, it’s probably pretty painful.
Swampy, when you’re toodling at 20mph make sure to leave a blinker on.
A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No.”
The little boy goes on, “Please…please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”
The little boy then says to his sister, “Go tell Grandpa to make a frog noise.”
So the little girl goes to her Grandpa and says, “Please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “I just told your brother ‘no’ and I’m telling you ‘no’.”
The little girl says, “Please…please Grandpa make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “Why do you want me to make a frog noise?”
The little girl replied, “Because mommy said when you croak we can go to Disney World!”
I don’t mind having my ears and eyebrows trimmed. I’ve lost so much hair off the top of my head it’s the only way I feel like I’m getting my money’s worth from the barber.
The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bout with short -term memory loss. I don’t mind having my ears and eyebrows trimmed. I’ve lost so much hair off the top of my head it’s the only way I feel like I’m getting my money’s worth from the barber.
The only thing that really bothers me is the occasional bout with short-term memory loss.
I turned 50 last April and got the invitation. I didn’t apply because I missed the deadline on the form. They’ve sent me a couple of others since. Maybe I’ll join. Someday.
But one thing that made me feel even older than getting that in the mail was when I was at one of San Francisco’s finest restaurants, a place called Denny’s, and on the back of the menu was the selections “for our guest over 55.”
Jeeze, less than four and a half years and I can order from the senior menu. That made me feel old.
