I’m not really comfortable giving a blanket answer, I’d have to decide this on a case by case basis, but if forced to make a general statement I don’t think I could either condone or condemn the affair as long as the comatose person(s) are properly cared for.
I wouldn’t say it’s okay, but I also wouldn’t… er, cast the first stone? It’s not right, but it’s understandable and human. It would be better not to, but…
I have been in almost the exact situation in the OP and must admit we gave in to sexual temptation. The only difference was that our respective spouses turned out to be just asleep.
I would hardly call a persistent vegetative state “a whim.” That’s misrepresenting the situation badly.
When I got married, I swore fidelity in sickness and in health, until death do us part, etc., etc. I meant it. There weren’t any clauses allowing exceptions for various medical conditions. No matter what medical condition my wife might be in, including coma, I consider myself bound by that vow.
Really, I can’t see this any other way. If someone doesn’t mean everything in their wedding vows, they shouldn’t take those vows. If they do, in front of their spouse and friends and family, or even just the local justice of the peace, they’re bound by the vow.
Now, if someone wants to write vows that include all the possible exceptions to the things they’re swearing to, that’s fine with me, and then they can do whatever they want.
But if you vow something, you’re bound by it. Always. Even when it’s difficult.
Or until you feel it no longer applies to you anymore.
If people lived in some sort of bullshit Hollywood love story, then yes. They would watch over their spouse’s hospital bed for years, waiting for a glimmer of hope until they eventually died. Then they would spend the rest of their life pining over their lost love, ultimtely dieing a tragic and noble death alone.
The reality is you are not the one dying or in a coma and your life shouldn’t end just because theirs does.
I submit that if you are unable to get on with your life after four years you need therepy.
If I there is a God/Supreme Being, Higher Power, whatever you want to call it, I’d hope he/she’d give you both a mulligan in this case.
If the only thing they have in common is comatose spouses, that isn’t dating-it’s desparation.
Anytime someone asks if its ok to cheat, my answer is no. It must bother you or you would not ask. When you don’t have to ask, then you know its ok, go ahead, but I’m not sure the word cheating is right then.
While I agree that many people treat marriage too lightly nowadays, I don’t know of any society at any time that had a standard mourning period anywhere near as long as four years.
I’m not sure someone having dementia or being in a coma is the same as them being dead, though. Especially dementia. It’s a gradual process, so you don’t know exactly when to say goodbye. And with a coma, how long until you stop visiting? And if they are that far gone, why are they still on life support?
+1
although I have made it clear in person and in a living will I do not want to be in a persistant vegetative state, pull the plug. I am also planing on offing myself before any dementia gets bad enough that I am no longer cognizant of my surroundings.
I certainly would not want my wife to be a martyr to loneliness if I was mentally incapacitated.
I just want to address the “taking marriage too lightly these days” comment: YOU don’t get to dictate the structure of my relationships. My wife and I decide for ourselves exactly how serious or lightly we want to take our marriage and it is nobody else’s business. And that’s exactly how it should be.
The only thing that made marriage more ‘serious’ in the past was that women were considered property and there was little incentive for men to leave them, especially if they kept churning out offspring. There was certainly plenty of adultery, cuckolding and abuse going on back in the days of ‘serious’ marriages.
I agree pretty much this. I would want my spouse to be happy.
Nope, I wouldn’t do that.
There’s nothing in the concept of “vow” or “oath” or “promise” that says “I swear [whatever] until I don’t feel like it anymore.” If there was, what the hell would be the point of vowing anything?
If that’s how someone feels, they shouldn’t be taking that vow. I have no issue whatsoever with anyone who doesn’t want to make that promise, but I would have a problem with anyone (including myself) who didn’t state that up front.
And I don’t live in some bullshit Hollywood love story. I made a promise. I will keep it. Even if it’s not particularly pleasant to so so. If I hadn’t felt able to make that promise, I wouldn’t have. If I felt that there were exeptions to the promise, I would have stated them.
That’s a good question. What is the point of making a vow? In this instance, what is gained by keeping it? What is lost by breaking it?
Sometimes people make promises without fully grasping the possible consequences and effects. Sometimes, they’re just for show. For example, my wife and I got married on 3 days notice by the racetrack chaplain before I shipped out to basic training. He made us vow all sorts of shit, like I was to never look at women in ‘hot pants’ ever again, and my wife was to “OBEY!” me unquestioningly forever after. He was an outspoken, exciting showman of a preacher, and we really appreciated him marrying us after 4-5 other preachers rejected us because we didn’t take a class or attend their church. But needless to say, my wife doesn’t obey me and I still look at other women’s nicely framed asses.
My wife and I, in fact, trust each other and care for each other so much that we have no demands or expectations of sexual or romantic exclusivity. I know, after being with her for 12 years and being married for 9, that there is no way some other guy is going to take my place. And if she has feelings for another guy, or just wants to fool around with some hottie, I’m not going to stand in the way of her happiness.
So of course I would date other women if she was in a coma; I do that already. That’s what I mean when I say every marriage is different. You can’t speak with any authority about anybody’s marriage but your own. The best, most ethical course of action here is to simply ask beforehand: “Honey, if you are ever in a coma or persistent vegetative state, how would you feel about me dating and even sleeping with other people?”
Just do it in the bed with her. Then it’s a threesome and not cheating.