You are one harsh dude.
How about in 5 years?
10?
Could she even divorce you in that situation? Would a judge even grant a completely one-sided divorce in this situation (spouse’s whereabouts known, spouse unable to to give informed consent)?
Also, if she divorced you, then who would make decisions regarding your care and treatment?
Me: I’d want my spouse to see to it that I was looked after, then go find whatever fun and joy he might be able to. I don’t know what I’d do if he were the one in a vegetative situation… maybe look for companionship but nothing more.
I’d go back to masturbating
Dunno. I imagine that if you were forward-thinking enough you could have a document written up and notarized saying that, “If ever I am in a vegetative state, let my wife divorce me so long as she has taken measures to see to my future care.”
Though of course I would probably also leave behind something saying,“If I’m in a vegetative state, just let me die.” Which solves the issue either way.
What does the wife with a husband in a coma look like?
In the lawsuit at this link a husband wanted $15,000 because he had been “deprived of the services and companionship of his wife”.
Seriously, I think there is a point (time in coma and medical prognosis) where getting on with your life could be justified. Defining that point in advance would be as difficult for me as telling my wife that her “services and companionship” were worth $15K.
I wouldn’t have made those promises, because I would have no intention of keeping them. Of course I’m going to look at women. And of course I don’t expect my wife to obey me unquestioningly (or at all).
As I said above, " I have no issue whatsoever with anyone who doesn’t want to make that promise, but I would have a problem with anyone (including myself) who didn’t state that up front."
Seems to me that a vow is a vow. I wouldn’t make a promise that I didn’t intend
to keep.
I guess I saw our vows as a mutual sort of undertaking, and if I’m not able to provide any intimacy or emotional support to my wife because I’m comatose, then the loving thing to do would seem to be for me to recognize a certain leeway on her part. I want her to be happy in life, after all.
Those lawsuits are called “loss of consortium” suits, and they’re quite common. One spouse sues over some sort of injury, and the other brings the l.o.c. claim as an ancillary claim. Damages are typically assessed as somewhere around 10% of the primary tort, which is consistent with the linked case. There’s no other particular significance to that number. Try explaining that to your wife, though. 
Thanks. My mind was going to getting estimates on outsourcing the “consortium”, including flights to a locale where it would be legal. Alternatively, you could post a pre-injury picture on an escort service site and lower the price until you get an offer. The simple percentage is easier.
It’s nice to know that since I’m going on with my life with my husband not yet gone a year that means that he didn’t mean anything to me. Always trust in Dopers to be judgmental and you’ll never be disappointed!
In any case, I too see dementia or coma or persistent vegetative state as essentially death. If I’m not coming out of it, I no longer exist in any real-to-me sense. My husband and I told each other that we wanted the other to live, to thrive as best we could. I guess it was the understanding that he was likely to die that made the romance of eternal tragic suffering fade away.
I’m not looking to get into a religious debate here, but if my significant other was a vegetable (and I believed in god), I’d be blaming god, not caring what he thought about an extramarital affair. I mean, the supreme being turned my beloved wife into a drooling mess and I’m supposed to give a rat’s ass if he approves how I cope with it?
Nobody’s brought up insurance yet. If the awake and aware spouse is the one with the insurance, that’s another reason not to divorce the comatose spouse.
I don’t have a strong opinion either way, but it’s something I’ve had some exposure to and some interesting conversations about. My grandmother lived to be ninety. She lost her husband when she was fifty-five. She lived alone for thirty-five years, longer than she had been married. When my father died my mother was fifty-three. My grandmother told her it was one of the great regrets of her life that she had not remarried. Mom said she has had two unhappy marriages and has no interest in trying again. She seems to be doing ok. The most interesting observation she made was in seeing some of her peers(just a little older than the boomers) lose their husbands when they were in their 50’s(many died from complications from smoking) and seeing which remarried and which didn’t. She said the ones who had happy marriages remarried and generally remarried quickly. She said she envies them, but doesn’t want to run the risk of being burned three times. Both mom and granny have/had a pretty deep well of wisdom, so I can’t fault someone who makes either choice really. Too much depends on the quality of the first marriage, the individuals involved, the particular medical situation, etc.
Enjoy,
Steven
I would expect my husband to discreetly and hygienically boink whoever he wanted to when he felt it was time, and my understanding is that he would expect the same of me. I don’t think either of us would leap right in to such a thing, especially if there was any hope, however faint, of a recovery; indeed the situation would probably make us less likely to run off for fun & games. If we did and the other experienced a miraculous recovery, we’d probably just agree to a “don’t ask, don’t tell” situtation an move on. It’s just sex, and there’s no chance of children getting into the mix.
There’s no “right” answer here. What’s right for me and spouse may not be right for you and yours.
That being said, I simply cannot imagine anyone who would condemn themselves to a life without love and companionship if their partner became incapacitated and in a vegetative state or severe dementia.
If my partner did that, I would find a way to come out of my coma just long enough to kick their proverbial ass. I would expect my partner to find love and happiness in my absence and believe my partner would agree.
I’m not sure that anyone here is telling you that you should not still be in mourning. Take as much time as you need, I think we all agree.
The real question is that while you should attend to your promised love every single day and visit him in the hospital and hope for the best, whether you should devote yourself forever to a spouse that you will never get back.
A few mentions were made of widows who lived the single life for decades without ever dating again. My own aunt Luella was widowed at around the age of 62 or so, after many years of living with a husband who was no higher functioning than a small child. I really admire her lifelong devotion to him. She died a couple of years ago at the age of 96.
While I admire her devotion to Roy, it’s really a shame that she never shared her amazing gifts with another man. I can’t help but think that she could have made two people very happy.
I was more addressing the one(s) who said that if we aren’t devastated four years later it means we shouldn’t have gotten married.
Everyone is different and needs different things. Losing a spouse to something like a vegetative state would have to be incredibly stressful–worse than death for its lack of a finite end.
Terri Schiavo’s husband eventually had a girlfriend, I think. I remember how judgmental people were about him, but in my opinion you can’t be genuinely married to a vegetative person. Marriage isn’t one-way.
Well…it’s not really a real vow, is it? It’s basically a ridiculous boilerplate vow everyone takes when they get married. How can you promise to love someone “until death do you part”? You can’t control your feelings. People fall out of love for any number of reasons. So once that happens, what are you promising? To go through the motions of pretending to love someone? And for whose benefit?
And if you want to be pedantic about it, who did you make the vow to? You made it to the hot 26ish wome you thought you would love forever. You didn’t make it to a coma patient or the bitter middle-aged overweight annoying shrew your bride may have turned into. For the purpose of your “vow” can they really be considered the same person?
Life is too short to give a shit what other people think. You have to do what makes youhappy.
Well, one has to keep one’s promises. I can’t expect to marry a 26-year-old model and expect her to look that way while she is in her 70s. If I promised to be true to her well into her septengerian age, then I should treat her with as much love and devotion as I’d promised.
Then again, love does fade and divorces are as common as long-lasting marriages. It’s no longer a sin to get divorced, at least in secular law.
Cheating, in this very narrow window of this understanding, is entirley understandable. Why should we prohibit pleasure to people who would otherwise never experiance it again?
Taking Ny-Quil results in a coma-like state, and you never truly know if that person taking it will ever wake up. So…