It’s been alluded to but I’ll say it in my own words.
If you can get one message across to a kid don’t discourage them from having sex. That never works. Quite the opposite. Encourage them to have sex but the message should be, don’t have sex with anybody you don’t care about and who doesn’t care about you. Think about that and what that means for prostitution, human trafficking, date rape, anonymous sex, promiscuity, etc. Sex is good, Exploitation for immediate gratification can be harmful and have serious negative long term implications such as unwanted pregnancy, disease and emotional trauma.
The message to boys should be, “don’t put your penis anywhere that you wouldn’t want to put your tongue.” Living by those words will also keep a young man out of a lot of trouble.
Everyone has a sex life. It’s just that some are better than others. Abstinence is the advice of those that can’t get it right, are miserable and as a result are judgmental.
Warning: the Savage Love podcast is awesome but often is extremely advanced material for sex info. The last podcast included a heartbroken gal trying to deal with living in a community situation with her ex from her first polyamorous relationship (and her kind of blaming him for “converting” her to it), a caller defending ageplay (Daddy/Mommy plus (adult) “child” playacting, with the diapers being the fetishized item), and a guy feeling guilty about getting more outside sex in his open, BDSM relationship. This is great for people who need that level of advice but probably not the thing to start with.
The What’s Happening To My Body Book For Boys has been around for a long time and probably suits that level of instruction.
My suggestion would be to get across a basic message that it’s normal to be thinking about sex all the time, and that that doesn’t make them weird and perverted. Explain that the book will help them figure out ways to deal with those feelings and their other changes in acceptable ways, and that they can come to you with specific questions.
That seems overly broad. It would rule out the vacuum cleaner hose, for one thing.
I think the better advice for both boys and girls would be to think about whether or not they would be embarrassed to introduce this person to their family and friends as their boyfriend or girlfriend. If they aren’t good enough to be introduced to the people most important to you they aren’t good enough to have sex with either. That doesn’t mean that you have to date someone to sleep with them, of course, just that sex and dating shouldn’t ever be associated with any form of shame.
I walked in on and heard my parent many times, but never quite that bad. At least they had the decency never get caught doing it in my room! I’m not that skeeved thinking about my parents having sex though. I guess because the fact that they do it and enjoy it was just a fact of my life from an early age. There was never any secrecy.
My parents are walking contradictions. Don’t ask me how they can be both liberal Democrats and morally conservative, Baptist James Dobson fans. They had plenty of close gay friends (being in academia) and yet believed that being gay was a choice and gay sex was an abomination in the eyes of god. They didn’t believe in premarital sex, were ultra-virgins (my mom considered kissing with tongue over the line!!) until their wedding night, and attempted to raise me with the same values - and yet in other ways they were totally relaxed about nudity and sex, which was awesome. Sex to them was a holy bond between a husband and wife, and there was nothing shameful about it - within a marriage only of course.
I think BJs are pretty gross to most kids. I even hated being hugged and kissed as a child, the idea of PIV sex was nasty enough, the mental image of adults putting their mouths on each other’s private areas was EEEEWW.
So I was planning to try and do this tonight (pick her up, talk in the car, take her out to dinner) and mentioned it to my mom, who told me she was coming downtown and will drop her off at my workplace.
So I have to go out and buy condoms on my lunch break, which is kind of hilarious. “Hey, do you mind if I cut in front of you? I’m only buying one thing and I need to get back to work!”
What the hell - I’m a grown woman who can buy condoms, tissues, and a paddle-shaped hairbrush at the same time. I’m pretty sure that means I’m mature enough to be sexually active.
I’m the father. When The Fem-Bot™ was getting to that age, she asked me a few questions. Why? Because her mother had some angry and not healthy ideas about sex and self image and bodies and such. And the aforementioned daughter knew I’m simply tell her how it works without preachifying.
And I did. Caught completely off-guard when she asked me how a tampon actually worked, I went told her to follow me into the bathroom, dug one out from under the sink ( ya’ll are just freakin’ out right now reading this. Don’t worry. ) and tore open the paper cover. Turned the sink faucet on to a slight trickle, made an open fist with one hand and said, Here You Go. Watch this. Fortunately, since I’d never handled one before, it worked the way I thought it did and bloomed in against my palm, absorbing the slowly trickling water. Then I pulled it out with the string from between circled thumb and forefinger.
She got it. Nodded. Said Thanks Dad and smiled a bit sheepishly and trotted out. Do I know what she decided to use? No. Not my business. She needed info without layers of lecturing and anger, and she got it. I did mention TSS, though a distant memory, and told her to read up on it on the Interwebs.
Showing BOTH kids at once how a condom rolls onto a banana was easy. Explaining why you had to hold on firmly as one withdraws so as to avoid leakage? That… well, that was a bit tough on me. Ah well. Info imparted.
Well, it… went? I don’t know what to make of it. I talked, she talked (all about she was going to wait until marriage, etc., and I said some things that were very torn on the whole thing because I didn’t want to devalue her decision but I think that’s some stupid shit and I am concerned that she just thinks that’s the right thing to say, etc., etc.) but the thing that really got me was, after dinner I took her home and was supposed to work up my dad’s 80th birthday party invitations only we had printer issues, anyway, but my mom drew me aside and told me that the boys were miffed they didn’t get to go out with me (I’m going to make it a weekly thing, touch base with each child in turn, anyway) and that in response she had said… wait for it…
“Aunt Z and I have a special bond that YOU don’t have.” (Recall, this is pre-sex-talk.)
Wait, WTF? Seriously? I feel like the aliens have stolen my ova and gifted me with Surprise!Baby! I am overwhelmed! And gratified! But feel like I haven’t earned that a bit! And have no idea what to make of it!
Well, it… went? I don’t know what to make of it. I talked, she talked (all about she was going to wait until marriage, etc., and I said some things that were very torn on the whole thing because I didn’t want to devalue her decision but I think that’s some stupid shit and I am concerned that she just thinks that’s the right thing to say, etc., etc.)
She will change that decision like 90% of them do. But maybe due to your concern she will do it for the right reasons.
Congrats!! You did a great job, and following your instincts you see you were right about having the ‘cred’ to have The Talk in the first place! You should get a special pin to wear on your lapel, ‘Experienced Sex Talk Giver’.
I think you’re right that she might have been parroting, ‘I’m waiting till I’m married’ since it’s drilled into kids so much. And as you stressed to her, it’s not the end of the world if she doesn’t; for some people it’s a ridiculous bar to set.
To speak to something upthread about teens listening to Savage Love and how no holds barred RE: GGG Dan is, it’s important for anyone who’s going to be sexually active to know that if they have a sexual interest that’s outside ‘the mainstream’ where no one gets hurt and no laws are broken, they are still normal, good people who aren’t perverts or outcasts. When Dan talks about BDSM, etc he makes it clear that a valid sexual expression doesn’t have to be a vanilla one and the sexual activity doesn’t define the person. Also, that there’s someone for everyone; if your teen finds they really like to get it on while costumed, they should be assured there’s certainly someone else out there who will enjoy it too and they won’t be alone!
Really, I think Savage Love is awesome. I just don’t think it should be the initial starting point for teaching younger people about what sex is about; the people he talks to get how sex works (no misconceptions about where the vagina is, whether women pee out of it, etc.). I mean, he doesn’t even address much of that, barring that good “advice for teen boys” column about varying your masturbatory technique so that you don’t get the “death grip” problem.
After you’ve given out the basics, it doesn’t hurt to casually mention Dan Savage, but if you’re concerned about a kid’s sex ed, you might really have to start with the basics first.
