Because mine is correct, and theirs is delusional game-playing.
I think I already said upthread that I would probably reconsider if they had managed to maintain a stable, closed relationship for a significant period of time (like a period of several years). I think that happens, but I think it’s the exception more than the norm. I’m certanly not going to take it seriously when it’s someone they just added last month, or if they have a revolving door.
Well, I’m not sure how thoroughly that is true – my reading of what she’s been saying is that she wants to interact with the original couple, but seems disinclined to interact with them now that they’re part of a quartet.
In any case, I wasn’t responding so much to her as I was to various people who are, it seems to me, saying, more or less, “You call yourself tolerant? You’re not really, if you have a problem with this.”
…:rolleyes: is all this deserves. Given that you’re indirectly discussing my marriage with that statement, I’d pit you for it if I thought you’d care.
I don’t mind that you’re uncomfortable with it, but I would prefer it if you kept your judgements somewhere else.
I agree with you on the latter part – I’d give them the benefit of the doubt on the first one, certainly, like I would any “new girl/boyfriend” of anyone I’d consider a friend, but if it clearly was a revolving door then I’d feel like I WAS being “dragged into their sexual psychodrama”, as you object to.
I find that in most of the polyamorous couples I know (who’ve proven themselves to be polyamorous and not swingers), the relationship length breakdown of any individual pairing is similar to any other kind of dating–once you’re past the third date, unless they decide to formally commit the half-life is about 4 months.
Then again, I’d also feel it was impolite for someone to bring their new date to a group of old friends unless they’d been together a few months, too.
Upon reflection, I probably wouldn’t object to them simply bringing someone along to a social function I was hosting, as long as my kids weren’t there (or as long as they introduced the new toy as no more than a “friend” and kept the PDA’s between the ones who my kids already recognized as married or together), but I would be open about telling them that I didn’t take it seriously as a relationship…at least not until they proved it over a long haul.
I’ve typically been the same with friends who introduce women they met three weeks ago as the love of their life too.
I’m on Zeriel’s side on this one. My husband and I have been together for 8 years. He has a girlfriend of 2 years. I have a lover I’ve been seeing fairly regularly for 4 years who is also married for 36 years and his wife has a boyfriend whom she is commited to (it’s actually more involved than that, but it’s enough for my point). Our close friends are cool with that and give out party/dinner invites aware of that. People who are not close friends and my family do not know that we are poly and give out party/dinner invitations to us as a couple. Like Zeriel’s, we attend fairly outrageous parties and pagan events where our polyamory is not an issue as well as more sedate mundane events where it’s not appropriate to be ‘out’. It is, unfortunately, exactly the same situation as when I was in a committed relationship with a woman before I met my husband. I’m used to it, and it doesn’t bother me to have two lives.
With that being said, we have had to have discussions with my husband’s girlfriend about PDAs and found out that she wasn’t aware that she was being so obvious and has toned down her behavior. We have also had to advise someone on how to politely tell a mutual poly friend that the dinner invitation was just for her husband and herself, not her husband, her boyfriend and her current boy-toy. Sometimes people have to be told that their actions are overstepping bounds and hope that they are mature and loving enough to understand.
And to the OP, I have every confidence that you will come to a happy resolution. I’m in the ‘give them a chance’ camp. That’s really the only way you will know for sure.
Guess I wasn’t the only one to think of that.
QFT. If the “poly” couples are significantly above average in terms of severity of public displays of affection, then I think we can all agree that it’s a problem.
Aside: I wish what you said was totally true–I used to get up to a lot of wild parties in college, now it’s solely my relatively sedate (cuddly is generally the adjective I’d use) New Year’s bash.
I can live with this–it’s just plain considerate to be careful around kids who are below the age of reason (and considerate of what parents will have to explain). At the same time, I’m not sure I’d handle it with kids any differently than with gay relationships if it came up before I was ready–“people fall in love in all kinds of different ways, and we can talk more about it when you hit puberty” or whatever.
In my poly dealings, I tend to behave closer to Dio’s rules about being public than might be apparent–I am fully cognizant of the fact that polyamory is not normal or accepted in the present culture, but I do bristle when I get the impression that it’s not being taken seriously (as opposed to “disliked” or “disapproved of”, both of which I can deal with), at least on the Dope where one hopes one can presume the benefit of the doubt.
Personally, I might be uncomfortable with it, but mostly because of the PDA and newness. I don’t want to be part of anyone’s sex life, and if I thought someone were bringing their new fling around to be “daring” or to flaunt their new lifestyle in front of other people in order to see who was shocked, I’d drop them like a hot potato. I also hate obvious PDAs for the same reason; if you’re getting a thrill in being an exhibitionist, then you’re making me an involuntary participant in your sex life. Ick. “Cuddling” would probably not be okay.
That being said, I’d have no problem with a stable poly group all being at a social event. It’s the “here let me have you feed this person I’m screwing but who you’ll never see again” aspect of bringing a new partner that annoys me. Of course, my single non-poly friends don’t start bringing their partners to gatherings until they’re somewhat serious, either, so it’s not just a “poly” versus “couple” thing. There’s really no need to drag the new partner along to a catchup/bullshit session between old friends where they’re talking to people they’ll never see again. If I threw huge parties, it might be different, but if I don’t know someone well enough (at least from hearing about them from my friends) to invite them specifically, then I probably don’t want them there.
I don’t have kids, though, which means I don’t have any explaining to do in any case.
I should have been a little more careful with my sentence there. I really meant that there are places where it’s more okay to exibit PDAs than other places, not that you lived the same sort of wild and crazy hedonistic lifestyle that I do. Which is funny, because I don’t really consider it wild and crazy, but I can see where most of the rest of the world would.
Would it ease the OP’s discomfort a little if the polyamorous group created a timeless comic-book character?
I don’t get it. 
DTC, you crack me up.
Girl next door, I think you just need to give it some time. You’ll adjust.
Also, it’s funny how peoples minds work differently. If I were in the OP’s shoes, I wouldn’t be able to stop gawking at the said couples. (or is it quadruples?) I’d find it mildly entertaining.
Slightly off-topic: I’m a government lawyer who works with investigators and federal law-enforcement agents form various agencies. I once started a new case involving the Defense Deparrtent, and the DOD Inspector General agent told me in our first meeting, “By the way, I’d like you to know that my wife and I are polyamorous, and we often go to swingers’ parties.”
For a moment I was flattered, thinking that he was hitting on me, but that wasn’t it. Turns out that his chain of command was trying to revoke his security clearance on the grounds that his alternative lifestyle made him a blackmail risk. His response was to tell everyone about his lifestyle, so there would be no opportunity to use it for blackmail. Great agent, too.
Everybody in this thread keeps mentioning a threesome–as in, the couple has one boyfriend (or girlfriend) that they share. Is that the case? The impression I got from the OP is that the husband has a girlfriend, and the wife has a boyfriend, and they’re bringing both to parties and social events. Is that the case? I know it doesn’t make a huge difference about the way the OP feels about the situation, but I’m confused.
Your understanding of the situation matches mine–I think many people are just using a convenient hypothetical for whatever reason.
I don’t think it’s very convenient for the situation. 3 people in a committed relationship, I think, is slightly different from the situation in the OP. Still weird and out of step with normal social behavior, but adding a 3rd is different from “I’m still married to Bob, but I’m going to sleep and canoodle with Jim, while Bob is feeling up his new girlfriend, Kim.”
Girl Next Door, I seem to have written a giant tome, so I’m going to break it up into a couple of posts.
I don’t think you should beat yourself up over this. It’s a new, odd situation, and you’re not comfortable with it. That’s entirely reasonable. Don’t feel bad about that.
You’re entitled to your feelings. (Og, that sounds way too new-age-self-help-gaga!) But it’s true.
I’m glad to see that your husband is going to discuss this with his friend, I think that’s the right route to take.
I would recommend sitting down with your friends and telling them how you feel. Don’t try to tell them what to do, or that their behavior is unacceptable - that would more than likely just piss them off and end all possibilities of a good solution.
But it’s perfectly legit to say “This is all new to us and we’re very uncomfortable with this situation. For instance, it makes us very uneasy to see you being physically affectionate with other people. We understand that you’re all fine with that, but it bothers us a lot. We’re trying to come to terms with it, but having a hard time. Just wanted to let you know what was going on, in case you picked up bad vibes from us.” Not judgemental, not accusing, just being honest about how you feel. And it’s perfectly OK to do that just with your friends; you don’t have to include their new people whom you don’t know in your private conversation. Those people are not your friends yet and you don’t owe them anything beyond normal politeness. (Of course, your friends will talk about it later with them, but you don’t have to.)
If they’re reasonably nice people who care about you, they’ll probably tone it down a bit until you’ve had a chance to adjust. If they don’t, well, at least you know where you stand.
If you don’t want to invite the new kids to your house, then don’t. But don’t be surprised if the group as a whole declines to attend. I certainly wouldn’t go to a party or event (outside of work or something similar) if I was told that only certain members of our family were welcome. We’re a family and come as a unit. Like it or leave it, it’s up to you. [ETA: that doesn’t mean we’re joined at the hip or anything. I’ve skipped several “high school reunions” because I’ve got no interest in listening to people chat about events and people from three decades ago that I’m not familiar with. But if someone were to actually say “redtail, we’d like you and SO1 to come, but you can’t bring SO2 because that’s not a valid relationship and we don’t want her there” - well, chances are pretty good that you wouldn’t be seeing much of me in the future at all.
There’s not much you can do about parties at other people’s houses, except decide what’s important to you. I have friends who have friends that I cordially detest and would much rather never hear of, much less see, again. Those people don’t get invited to my home. I don’t attend events at their home. If I know that they’re going to be at a third party’s event, I decide whether or not I want to deal with them in that situation at that time - I may or may not go depending on how I’m feeling, who will be attending and how much I want to see them, if it’s a large party where I can just ignore them vs. a small gathering where I’d be more-or-less forced into interacting, etc. If I don’t know ahead of time, I decide on the fly depending on my mood and the situation. I’ve left early before to avoid dealing with these people.
Sounds like you need to do something similar. Which is more important to you - seeing your other friends, or not seeing the new people? Are the circumstances of the event something you can deal with?
You can’t change their decision to bring along their new loves, all you can do is decide how you’ll deal with it. OK, you can try to force them to live on your terms by insisting that they should attend but not bring their SOs, but I doubt you’ll have much luck with that.
Which is also different from “I’m married to Jane and this is my other partner Kate, and Jane’s other partner Biff, we’ve all been together for X years now.”
On preview: Hear hear, redtail23.
The problems I see are this:
1: PDAs can be inappropriate and have a varying level of appropriateness, depending on the viewers, the setting, etc. Personally, even my super in love married friends almost never hold hands or cuddle at parties (I’m thinking a dinner party get together type thing, hanging out and beer or wine after while sitting around in the living room). So, the couple(s) might be alienating some of their friends who are less comfortable with PDAs.
2: As a host, it would be rude if these folks just roll in with their +2 and I- etiquette wise- have to feed them and make them welcome without complaint. I have no poly friends, but I look at my straight (not hetero vs homo straight, I just mean twosome straight) ones for an example. If my friend has been with her boyfriend for a particularly long time (over a year, maybe they live together, have a kid together, whatever), well then that’s a serious relationship and if I invite my friend, the partner is automatically assumed to be part of the invite.
If my friend is casually dating, I may invite the boyfriend, I may not. Depends on the type of party, what I’m serving, if I can afford to feed extra mouths (taco night vs steak night), etc and so forth.
So, the issues for me wouldn’t really be the poly thing, but the etiquette stuff. Of course you are within your rights to feel uncomfortable- you’re being honest and there’s nothing wrong with that. I think you just need to sort out what’s really bothering you about this situation. I know for me, upon reading the OP, I thought, “Ugh, that’s just WRONG!”- and I’m a super liberal person! Then I thought more and realized it isn’t the poly factor that bothered me at all.
Hubby and “C” are at lunch right now. Resisting the urge to text him.