Who gave you ten cents?
All of them.
What’s better than roses on your piano?
Tulips on your organ.
Did you hear about the streaker in the church? They caught him by the organ.
Uhh, $898, he points out, pedantically.
This one is ancient, and not particularly funny in and of itself. But every time I go back to New York, I KNOW one of my elderly Irish relatives is going to tell it, and I KNOW I’ll laugh despite the fact that I’ve heard it a thousand times:
**
Irish farmer Paddy Murphy was planning a trip to London, when his elderly neighbor, Mrs. Dunn, came to visit him.
She told him sadly, “Me son Cornelius moved to London two years ago, and he hasn’t written me a single letter since then. I’m so worried about me poor Neily. Since you’re going to London, would you find him and ask him to write to me?”
Paddy asked if she had his address, and she handed him an old envelope that said “Cornelius Dunn, London, WC-1.”
When Paddy arrived at Heathrow Airport, he asked an attendant, “Do you know where WC-1 is?” The attendant pointed to the lavatory (for those who don’t know, in England, the bathroom is often marked “WC” for “Water Closet”).
Paddy said, “This is going to be easier than I thought." He entered the bathroom, walked up to the first stall, looked under the door and saw a pair of feet.
He asked, “Are you Neily Dunn?”
The man inside replied, “Yes, but there’s no paper in here.”
Paddy snapped back, “That’s no excuse .Write home.”
Irish guy is driving home from a night at the pub. Cops pull him over…
“Good gracious McPaddington! Do ye know yer wife fell out of yer car two blocks ago!”
“Oh thank Heaven, I thought I’d gone deaf.”
A couple were dring to the Old Log Inn when their car got a flat. The spare was flat too, their cell phones got no reception, and it was the middle of nowhere, so the man said he’d just have to walk on ahead and get some help. He walked for miles seeing no one. Then up ahead he saw a parked car. He approached and saw some sillouettes through the foggy windows. However one window was down, so he stuck his head in and said, “Hey, how far’s the Old Log Inn?” - and suddenly everything went black.
What do you call quadriplegic in your mailbox? Bill.
What do you call quadriplegic on your doorstep? Matt.
What do you call quadriplegic hanging on your wall? Art.
What do you call quadriplegic swimming? Bob.
What do you call quadriplegic waterskiing? Skip.
What do you call quadriplegic yelling for help all day? Horace.
What do you call quadriplegic under a pile of leaves? Russell.
What do you call quadriplegic under a pile of leaves after two weeks? Pete.
Bill comes back from his vacation and is chatting at the water cooler with his friend Dave.
Dave: So, Bill, I understand you went to New Mexico for your summer vacation. Did you do anything interesting?
Bill: Yeah Dave, I went to a hot air balloon festival. I’d always dreamed of going up in a hot air balloon, and I figured this would be my chance to finally do it.
Dave: Wow, that sounds exciting! Did you get to go up in one?
**
Bill**: Yeah, but I hadn’t counted on how expensive it was going to be. I spent my first couple of hours there trying to find someone who’d give me a ride without charging me. Finally, I found a fella who told me he’d get me up there for free.
Dave: Great! Did the experience live up to your dreams?
**
Bill**: Well, yeah, I guess, but there turned out to be a catch. We got up about five hundred feet off the ground, and the fella says: Now let’s talk about how you’re gonna get back down. I got two choices for ya. You can jump outa this here gondola right now, That’s what they call those baskets that hang under the balloons, that you ride in, “gondolas.” or you can drop trou and bend over and let me take you from behind, he says to me.
Dave: Lordalmighty, that’s the last thing I would have expected! So, did you jump?
Bill: Well, yeah, a little. At first.
There’s always this one: http://www.ebe.org.uk/joke21.htm
What do you call a quadriplegic hanging on your wall with no tongue? Tasteless Art.
What do you call a quadriplegic who smells like livestock? Barney.
What do you call a quadriplegic in your fireplace? Bernie.
What do you call a quadriplegic in a tiger cage? Claude.
What do you call a quadriplegic flying over a fence? Homer.
What do you call a quadriplegic sitting in the window of a diamond dealer? Jules.
What do you call a quadriplegic sitting on President Obama’s desk? Vito.
What do you call his one-legged sister? Eileen.
This sounds a lot like Jack Paar’s joke censored from the Tonight Show in 1960.
Q: How do you cut off a redneck’s penis?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.
I am LOVING this thread! Thanks, everybody!
Og: “Knock knock”
Zog: “Who there?”
Og: “Why”
Zog: “Why who?”
Og: “Why you have big piece of wood blocking cave entrance?”
That’s the oldest joke I know.
What do you call a quadriplegic in the brambles or on a vine? Barry
What do you call a quadriplegic drifting downstream? Flo
I don’t get it.
First time i heard this ('cept it was about a brothel) was from the Parish Priest.
he was cool, he replaced the statue of Jesus in the Rectory with a bust of Elvis.
They were making out, and took it as “How far is your old log in?”
“The Aristocrats!”
What do you call quadriplegic in a shallow hole? Phil.
“She hit me over the head with her bag of quarters, your Honor!”