OMG! Why are tbey trying to give me a stroke!

I’m cursed. That must be it. Because while I know I’m no saint, I can’t think of anything I’ve done to deserve the crap I get.

In the last week I’ve gotten several body blows from my boss. Fine. I can take an ass chewing. I do what I have to to correct the faults. But Ay Yi Yi…the privates in my squad must be brain dead. It irks me most because now I’ve got to become what I have always hated in all of my time in the military…a tyrant.

Case 1: Private Smith is told by the platoon leader not to chew tabacco and spit it into a bottle/cup/etc in the battalion working area. I was unaware of this at the time. But Pvt. Smith is caught doing it in the battalion classroom during a training session. WTF? Fine. I take the minor butt chew out and chew smith out accordingly. He’s given a final warning.

Smith isn’t a dumb guy, but gawd knows he doesn’t think thing through. A few days later in our shop I notice a half smoked cigar on a desk. Smith claims it. He says he put it there so he could smoke the rest of it later. My question: WHY? For Petes Sake, the commander, 1SG, Platoon Sergeant, etc can walk in at anytime and see it therte. Why didn’t he leave it inm his car or in one of the five thousand pockets in his uniform? I was somad that when /i pulled him into anoither room to chew him out it took great restraint not to choke him on the spot.

It gets better. Our shop is in a fenced in area. The smoking area is just beyond the fence. We had an inspection of equipment going on within the fence line. Smth was taskked to guard the bay door for awhile. Simple duty. He just has to sit there in a chair, really. It was a nice, warm day. I come out there to check on him, see if needs to be relieved to eat or get a drink or take a leak or something. He says he’s fine, holding his bottle of Dr. Pepper. When I turn to go back inhe spits into the bottle. So I ask him, is that Dr. Pepper in the bottle or Tobacco spit? Its freaking Tobacco Spit! Again, WTF?

His explanation? He figured he was outside so it was okay. Even though the smoking area is right outside the fence. Even though he’s technically still in the duty area even though he;s outside. I didn’t explode because the command staff was too close to us…I damn sure didn’t want them involved. But I questioned his sanity. For the luvva Mary, all he had to do was ask for a break to go outside the gate to get his chew on. Yeah, I made him do an assload of pushups later, but I reminded him that he’s lucky I caught him and not the platoon sergeant or leiutenant.

CASE 2: Private Jones. Comes to work with the Indiana Jones look. I ask him, did you shave? “Yes, Sergeant”. He says. I hate being lied to. Theres no way this guy spontaneously grew that stubble on his baby face in 4 hours. So I make him go shave (during his lunch time) and remind himthat if I caught him, he’s lucky. Anyone else, it would have been a problem. I’m not kidding when I told him that only the Archangel Michael would help him if he shows up unshaven again.

CASE 3: Private Dingbat…her team leader has been on her from day one. Its like she has no common sense. Plus, she starts crying as soon as you get mad at her. Other NCOs have spoken to her about growing a thicker skin.She has improved in the last few weeks. But…after a going away lunch for a squad member that is leaving she was 45 minutes late to get back. Great…right at the time the platoon sergeant wanted to talk to all of us about problems. So Dingbat went back to the barracks after lunch to change uniforms because she says her pants got dirty at training in the morning. Again, WTF? And the bartrackes are right across the street…it surely doesn’t take 45 minutes! So I get punched in the head because I’m learning this secondhand from her team leader. (I had business to taske care of, I wasn’t at the luncheon) Geez…its common sense…you’re given a pass to be a little late because the luncheon was off post but don’t milk it. Dingbat should have known…bring a clean uniform back and change in the bathroom if need be or show up on time and then ask to be excused to change. (she was not that dirty, I was at the training). So yeah, I had to make her cry while I chewed her ass and told her to be thankful that an ass chewing was the extent of it.

CASE 4: This is the doozy. Usually we have PT formation at 0630. The 1SG realized that the company has been running full speed non stop and told us that formation is art 0900 tomorrow. You know, to let folks sleep in for once. Private Hillbilly is on leave but is supposed to back tomorrow. I contact her to het her know of the time change. Hillbilly is still in freaking ALABAMA! When I spoke to her I could her children in the background so I asked her “Where are you? Are you back in NC?” hoping that the sounds I heard were children in an airport. Nope. She says " Well, I had a tummy ache for a few days and I tried to call SGT Mickey (her team leader) but got no answer. I have a doctor appointment tomorrow." I was so angry I could barely contain myself. Let me quickly explain why.

[li]If she didn’t reach SGT Mickey she should have called SGT Gold, or SGT Silver (the asst. Team Leaders) and if not reaching them, me, the squad leader immediately. this isn’t a code. we’ve told every soldier this repeatedly. [/li][li]Her leaves ends at midnight. Today. So if your “tummy ache” is so bad you can’t board a flight you should be in a hospital or emergency room. Otherwise, take some alka seltzer and get on the freaking plane. You can go see a doc here when you get back.[/li][li]How the heck do you make a doctor appointment on Sunday? Unless its an emergency I don’t see it happening. I said earlier I hate being lied to. So Pvt Hillbilly has already used up any currency she had with me being understanding. A side note is that Smith has a family emergency and needed to go on emergency leave. I was trying to get that straight for him through channels when Pvt H told me this. So she sure didn’t make my day or night any brighter. (Telling my boss this was no joy)[/li][/ul]

I don’t believe Pvt Hillbilly, BTW. I think she thought up some stupid scheme to get some extra leave days. (which is insane…she only had about 12 which she’s used) Because no one that is too sick to fly answers the phone sounding fine with kids playing in the background. What pisses me off is that if she had called me friday or saturday with the same dumbass story it might have flown. I called her for an unrelated matter and found this out. I instructed SGT Mickey to find out the details, and he is equally upset. According to the Platoon Sergeant we’ll deal with her when she gets back.

Jeezuz. I was supposed to sleep in tomorrow. Now I have to go in super early to write Smith’s leave form *(not his fault, he has a family emergency and I need to get him on a plane to deal with it) *and get my head bitten off for Hillbilly being stupid. I was hoping for a good week.

I almost forget about Private First Class Asshead, who has child support problems but didn’t tell any of us (The NCOs). He instead spilled his guts to thev 1SG so I could get ll of the joy of being chewed out again.

I called all of my team leaders tonight to tell them this shit stops now. I don’t like being a jerk, but dammit, I’ll freaking have squad formations every 4 hours even on weekends if I have to. Room inspections everyday, too. People on leave will have to report to me and the CQ every hour. I’ll do it…they must want me to do it. All I want is for the soldiers ot act like soldiers.

No offense is meant to the term Hillbilly. I don’t use the real names of people, and I just typed that on the fly.

Sounds like you got F-troop there and they’re used to getting away with tons of crap. Give 'em hell for a week or two and maybe, just maybe, they’ll think twice about goofing off, chewing tabbacky and lying to your face next time.

It occurs to me that for a lot of enlisted personnel, being a soldier might actually be their first real job. I recommend that Basic be augmented to include one week of shitty minimum wage burger flipping. Then, when Gomer spits his dipwads in a Dr. Pepper can, you can say, “Hey, dimwit, if it would get you fired at McDonald’s, DON’T DO IT IN THE FUCKING ARMY.”

So a dude’s on Final Warning and you’re still covering his ass? Does Final Warning not mean what I think it does? If I were on Final Warning I would sure as shit be asking permission to change my underwear, let alone be caught doing stupid shit like that.

The platoon sergeant gave him a final warning, not me. When he was chewing baccy outside but within the fenced in area the command staff were mere yards away. Truthfully, if I flipped out then it would have garnered too much attention. I don’t want them in my bidness.

Smith is on emergency leave now, anyway. What a nightmare. the 1SG was not in good mood this morning, so you can imagine how unpleasant it was for me to have to go into his office and be asked why PVT Hillbilly isn’t back.