(714): I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
(619): Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier…not pregnant!
:eek::eek::eek::eek::eek::eek:
Good stuff.
It also makes the 
a little prophetic.
(843): I guess there’s a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
(817): She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
(1-817): OMG. What did u say?
(817): I told her I did too.
(310): I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
(310): im at the bar and i misjudged a fart…go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me…be home soon
:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D
Thanks for posting this Hal!
God damn it, that was hilarious! I am in so much trouble at work now for laughing my ass off…
(859): Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
(502): Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
:p:D:D:D:D:D:D
(805): Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
(703): Joe is a total sociopath, I’m going to hook up with him tonight
Two winners there. I just added one I recently got.
(617): Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn’t include penises
(650): Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
(650): Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
(415): Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Winner.
Now that’s a full service police department.
Ok, I saw this in a few of the texts and I’m clueless: What is a “ginger”?
Ginger = redhead.
Redhead.
(edit: ninja’d)
(973): On a scale from 0 to 24…wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
“Her body is shaped like a coke bottle…a two liter coke bottle”
Thanks. Is that a bad thing these days?
Redheads are a good thing these days.