Omnibus Stupid MFers in the news thread (Part 1)

This is a pretty amateurish effort. Baffert needs to up his game - he should study the history of far more creative excuses proffered by doped-up cyclists, shocked that their reputation should be tarnished by unjust allegations. There is general agreement that the apotheosis of preposterous excuses was Tyler Hamilton explaining the presence of somebody else’s blood in his veins through chimerism, “vanishing twin” syndrome.

Pro cyclists' best/worst excuses for failing a dope test | Cycling Weekly

Millions of people are being pulled directly toward the center of the Earth, which we all know is made of iron. How else do you explain that?

I can stick a playing card to my forehead. Therefore, all playing cards are metal, due to the magnetic Moderna vaccine running through my blood causing that card to stick…

I will say that I am very grateful to that woman for showing everyone what is behind resistance to the vaccine. Completely and total fucking lunacy. The way she speaks reminds me of the Ancient Aliens people that my wife puts on TV at night. (She doesn’t believe any of that bullshit, luckily, she just claims it helps her sleep for some reason.)

That explains my weight gain!

It’s not all the junk food and lack of exercise…

It’s the damn vaccine!

Might be the same rationale that has me trying to sleep by listening to a boring audiobook (read by a relaxed literate Brit… indubitably).

Along about midnight my brain realizes “Whoa, this is dullsville, let’s just go to sleep. Maybe there’s a good dream on tonight.”

“Do you still believe there can be peace with these people, Xavier…?”

By the way I have dibs on the Magnetic Vaccine band name.

But — doesn’t that mean you’re a superhero? Kinda cool, I don’t understand why they all aren’t getting the shot.

“There’s a lot pressure from race officials, the media, and sponsors; that’s very difficult for a three-year-old to resist. I can’t keep an eye on Medina Spirit 24/7. If these drugs are available, the athletes will find a way to get them”

It’s not a dinosaur. I’ll give him that. That would be really stupid.

Authorities rescued a man who said he had been trapped for two days inside a large fan at a Northern California vineyard.

“The man indicated he liked to take pictures of the engines of old farm equipment,” the statement said. “After a thorough investigation, which revealed the farm equipment wasn’t antique and the man had far more methamphetamine than camera equipment, the motivation to climb into the fan shaft remains a total mystery.”

Nice.

I do, too. I hope no one thinks I’m a meth head. Damn those people - always ruining it for the rest of us.

If you want to take pictures of old farm equipment, you probably want to make sure the farm equipment is old and that you have a camera with you.

Shots fired at Mammoth Cave National Park after a Bigfoot sighting.

Kentucky is Bigfoot country? And I’m amused by the idea that he thought there might be a cryptid out there, so the right thing to do is to shoot it. It’s a wonder that any of the aliens that visit Earth regularly haven’t been shot.

Yup, and they’re devious. They leave the exact same tracks as black bears to fool people.

That’s a really good line.

At least he kept his cool.

I haven’t read the article but I am concerned that Bigfeet are going around armed now.

If you had to traipse around naked in the woods 24/7 among rural Americans wouldn’t you want to be armed so you can return the inevitable fire?

Has @Beckdawrek been traveling again?