True. But the word “some” in that sentence needs to have a whole lot of weight on it. When some — again, note the word — men say that women in general are like that, it’s a problem.
And there are various reasons why some women are like that; including that many of them have been taught, on some level, that that’s what men are supposed to be like.
Also — when somebody’s turning somebody down, especially when it’s a woman doing the rejecting, they’re likely to say something to try to soften the blow. “You’re a nice guy” isn’t the reason for the rejection, and they may or may not think that it’s true. What it means in that context is either or both of “I’m sorry, I don’t want to hurt you” or “please be nice and don’t get mad at me, especially not viciously or even physically so.” It’s got little or nothing to do with whether you’re actually nice.
I briefly dated a guy in college who gave me the breakup line, “I’m sorry, I can’t bring myself to be physically attracted to you.”
He wasn’t the most socially adept.
What he was trying to say was, I love your mind, but the chemistry is just not there. I don’t think I took it too well at the time, but we had a collegial relationship after, at which point he revealed a sexual kink that I found personally a deal-breaker. So we’ll file that one under dodged a bullet. He was a very strange man, but I like strange men. On our last date he took me up to his room to show me how he had mapped out the entire Detroit sewer system (he had a massive schematic) because he had decided he was going to become mayor and revamp Detroit. He was always up to some crazy scheme. But he was bloody brilliant. I’m a sucker for smart + socially awkward + …clinically interesting.
It’s kind of surprising I chose a partner who is extremely even-keeled and probably better socially than me. He’s not without some issues but he doesn’t have the same anxiety I do. He will talk to anyone, even if it’s someone he’s never met before. I’m in awe of that too.
And that is very often the honest answer; which it’s considered socially improper to give; possibly because it’s all too likely to be taken for “nobody could be sexually attracted to you.” People vary so drastically in who they’re sexually attracted to that that isn’t at all what it means; but because it’s so likely to be heard that way few people will give it as a reason.
Sometimes the chemistry just isn’t there; and the reasons for this are complex and often unconscious.
There are plenty of men considered conventionally attractive that just don’t do it for me. I’m very much the sort of person who becomes attracted to people as I get to know them. In the case of that guy, he wasn’t exactly a looker but I was fascinated by his brain and that was driving the attraction. In my husband’s case, he actually is conventionally attractive and I didn’t feel it until I got to know him.
It’s so complicated. And if you get rejected twenty times, the reason you are rejected could be different every time. Women especially tend to diverge considerably in what they are attracted to. Take height: I love short men. I’m not opposed to taller guys but I have a lot of celeb crushes on short guys and my husband is 5’7". This flies in the face of the belief that women want tall men. Some do, no doubt. But not all of us.
I think where you are geographically can be a factor. I lived the first 29 years of my life in Eastern Tennessee, where most folks are politically and religiously conservative. I am neither. Beyond politics and religion are the traditional roles expected of women and men. I didn’t go along with those either. I don’t think that was always the reason women/girls weren’t interested in dating me, but I’m sure it was sometimes a factor. By the time I moved to New York City I was feeling pretty beaten down and undatable. From 1988 and 1993 I think I went on one date. I definitely dated more once I moved, but I had less dating experience than a lot of people 10 years younger. Being almost 30 and only having gotten past a first date once in one’s life can weigh on a person regardless of gender. I’m sure my lack of confidence showed, and I wouldn’t blame any woman for seeing it as a red flag. I have to say that when Ms. P and I had been dating the amount of time that I had never gone past before had me nervous. I was honest with her that was the reason I might seem a little more anxious than usual. A few women in her therapy group told her that it meant I was about to break up with her, but she didn’t believe them. We’re still together after 30 years. Would I do any better if I were suddenly single? I won’t take into account the fact that any event that would make me suddenly single would be extremely traumatic. Even so, the answer is probably not. I’ve learned a lot about keeping a relationship strong once it starts, but I’m not sure I learned anything that would help me do better in the dating world. I’d still be oblivious unless women were blatantly throwing themselves at me. It was pure luck that I was in the right place to meet someone who was looking for what I had to offer and be direct about her interest. Otherwise I’d be twice the sad sack at 61 that I was at 30.
Although human personality varies on a tremendous number of axes, I think we can model humans collectively as kind of a loose cloud of habits and tendencies and preferences that’s denser near the middle and thinner near the edges. Kinda like an astronomical nebula or gas cloud, but in umpteen dimensions, not merely 3.
Some of us are lucky enough to be born in the dense part of “personality space” and hence encounter a lot of people who’re relatively similar / compatible to us. Some of us are unlucky enough to be born as outliers, where good matches are few and far between, and real unlikely to be plentiful nearby.
Also, there are some nations with real numerical imbalance. China has 30 million more single men than women. Some guys that would be great husbands are going to go without wives no matter how nice or eligible they may be, just due to math.
I mean, maybe! Would kind of depend on the woman and the situation. I mean, sex within a loving, respectful relationship is incredible, but sometimes you just want to screw, and you don’t really care too much what the motivations are for the other person wanting to do it.
I’m not disagreeing, but what terms should be used instead? “Good guy”?
Yeah, so for that reason, I would rank “sex with a loving partner” as higher than “sex with another random person who just wants to have casual sex”, but the latter would still be a positive and potentially worthwhile experience.
The distinction I am drawing is not between “sex with your partner” and “a random hookup”, it’s between “sex with another person who also wants to have sex” vs “sex with a person who doesn’t really want to have sex with you, they just feel bad”. That’s called a pity fuck, and it’s just sad. I’d much rather not have sex than be pity fucked.
I would absolutely agree if you know that is the reason the person is having sex with you. But my point is that maybe that is not readily apparent. All you might know is that the person you have been unsuccessfully trying to have sex with all of sudden agrees to have sex with you. And maybe, in the back of you mind, you kinda sorta suspect that is the reason. But also maybe, you just don’t think about it too hard and go with it.
I’m pretty sure that’s what I experienced once. There was a woman I’d met right before she moved to Europe for a year abroad. We fooled around, but didn’t have sex. I thought that was that, but she contacted me and wanted to stay in touch. We spent some more time together when she had a layover in New York. I asked her if she’d like me to come visit, and she was very excited at the prospect. However, after it was already set for me to visit she had begun to have second thoughts that she didn’t share with me. She was distant when I got there, which confused me. That’s when I found out she had realized she didn’t want me to visit after all. If I had more self-respect I would have turned down sex when it was offered, but that’s not where I was at the time. It’s one of those things that in hindsight I wish I hadn’t done.
My mind boggles at anyone having sex they don’t want to have just to avoid social awkwardness. I don’t think I could do that. Also it has to make it that much harder to break off the relationship.
Yes, and it gives some actual nice guys the message or impression that “women don’t like nice guys.” Which might not do anything in adulthood, but to an impressionable young teen, could definitely make him think “Maybe I need to become more villain-ish.”
