I’m sure this has been done before, but we’ll do it again
Look, there’s a time and place for cuddling, and I know and accept that.
But when it’s time to go to sleep, get the fuck off of me.
Be happy with my arm draped over you, or your ass pressed against me and your feet leaching all the warmth out of my feet (why the hell are women’s feet always cold?!) Beyond that I don’t want your hair in my face, I don’t want you lying completely on top of me, I need to sleep, I have to work in morning. When I scoot a little closer to the wall and a little farther from you don’t scoot after me! I need my fucking space. I can’t sleep with my arm bent around and my legs flat against the wall cause I only have a foot and a half of gods damned space in my own gods damned bed. And don’t act all surprised when I get up and start getting ready for work, you knew it was coming, this isn’t the first time, and I told you last night what time I was getting. Then don’t ask me what’s wrong when my eyes are mostly closed and I’m stumbling around 2 minutes after my alarm goes off. What’s wrong?! It’s 7 in the fuckin morning and I’m awake, for starters. Secondly your ass (literally) kept me awake all night pressing into my mid-section like you were trying to keep pressure on an abdominal wound. Third, your hair was in my mouth and your head pinning my shoulder (my bad shoulder) to the bed in some fucked up jiujitsu technique used to immobilize large animals or something cause it makes my whole arm go numb in a matter of seconds. What the fuck is up with that? I’m trying to sleep, woman, let me be! Just get the fuck off of me and let me sleep! Lastly don’t fucking act all peppy in the morning before you’ve so much as had a shower or coffee, that shit makes me think you’ve got the devil inside you
Ugh I can’t STAND someone touching me while I sleep, let alone draped all over me. Major point of contention with my ex. He thought he should be able to sleep right against me with arm and leg over me. Um no, get off me. Especially get that boner out of my side. I REALLY don’t appreciate becoming a late night, dream induced humping object for you.
I have a king-size bed for just this problem. KING SIZE. I can lie on one end, she can lie on the other, and we can be completely incapable of touching each other hands. This is a huge bed. Yet she cannot grasp the fact that she needs to get on her own damn side of the bed. Look, woman. I am not sharing my pillow with you. I have two for a very good reason.
I’ve taken to starting off sleeping in the middle of the bed, a good two feet away from where I actually want to sleep. Then, just as she’s falling asleep, I roll over to my cozy little spot, back towards her. If she somehow still doesn’t take the hint, I sleep in the fetal position, with my knees up. Cuddle my knees, you sleep ruining jerk.
Ooooohhh, this is something that really drives me crazy, too. One of my exes insisted on not only cuddling while sleeping, but also sleeping %!@$ing face-to-face. THAT DOES NOT WORK! Nothing in this world is a greater hindrance to my sopor than somebody breathing, heaving, and coughing in my face. All I want is to curl up into my little ball as far away from you or anybody else as possible.
That’s another thing, it’s hot in this room because you insist on having the heater on at 23 degrees. You flopping all over me is not helping.
We had sex, we cuddled, and we can even cuddle in the morning when I wake up if you want to, but the hours between midnight and 6am are Theo’s sleepytime, OK?
If this is how it is going to be, I do have two futons and I’m not afraid to use both of 'em.
This is how I predict the happiness of a potential relationship. A union between a cuddler and a noncuddler with be filled with the fury born of sleep deprivation, and may eventually result in attorney fees.
I’m a cuddler. Giant Freaking Marine is a cuddler. We’re generally very happy.
That being said, if he steals my pillow again tonight, he should be thankful that HIS pillow (that would be the one on the floor) makes an ineffective blunt instrument.
Cuddling? I thought that was something you did in the first few months of a relationship, like bathing regularly and holding in your farts, because you didn’t want to put the brakes on the fuck-like-bunnies train. Are you telling me people in established relationships engage in this behavior? Bafflingly pointless.
Yeah, I’m a guy and I’m a cuddler. I had a guy tell me one time he likes to sleep in his own “zipcode.” I got up and left in the middle of the night. I need cuddling, even if it’s just my pillows or my cat or dog. Hell, if I had a pet python, I’d cuddle with it. See ya.
I once got into a shit storm of trouble for telling an ex that she didn’t have the right to use me as a teddy bear when I was trying to sleep. I have class at 8, you have class at noon, leave me alone.
My petite ex insisted on not only having half the bed but invading my half during the night. If I turned my back on her, she liked to squirm close and get practically on top of me, gently breathing ice cold air on my back and putting her frozen corpse feet on me until I boxed her out with my butt. I felt a 60/40 division of the matress was reasonable, given the size disparity between us, but she felt otherwise. Of course, when I would unconsciously steal her pillow out from under her head in the middle of the night, I was the bad guy. We used to joke that we acted like creepy siblings in bed together, naked and fighting over territory.
Count me in the “get the fuck off me” club! I’ll go even further and say, when you’re “done”, and on top of me, gaze into my eyes for a second, catch your breath, show me you liked it, quickly, and GET THE FUCK OFF OF ME! You’re heavy, you’re crushing my chest and my stomach and I’m really uncomfortable! Now, roll over to the far side of the King size bed, feel free to touch your foot to mine if you must, and let me SLEEP!
I’m a total cuddler! When her-head-on-my-chest, me as big spoon, and her as big spoon start to get uncomfortable, I’ll do the back-to-back cuddle. Probably because I only have a gal over once a week or so, though. I’m a total chick when it comes to cuddling, though. Sorry.
Huh, we’ve been doing it for 33 years. I used to cuddle him for warmth, but now that I’m post-meno he cuddles me for warmth. And the bunny train is still running, w00t. You kids with your silly ideas.
