I wouldn’t dismiss all the deal-breakers like kids and religion, but you’re absolutely right about marrying someone worth marrying. Once the infatuation wears off, make sure you’re with someone you actually like.
I‘ve never been married, but I’m an observer of people, and I’d like to think I’ve picked up a few nuggets of wisdom along the way.
One of my favorites: “Marriage is not a 50/50 proposition. It is 100/100.”
Happily married couples have told me that the most important factors are shared values, communication, and trust. Once trust is broken, it can never be completely restored.
A couple I know were both fairly non-materialistic when they married. When they had a child, however, one parent’s financial views changed drastically while the other remained kind of a slacker. They are still married, but it’s painful to watch. I believe this couple could’ve saved themselves a lot of misery if they’d gotten counseling. If things get tough, get counseling. It’s helped a lot of couples.
My neighbors have been married for 55 years. They’ve gone through some difficult times, but they genuinely love each other and have a relationship most people would envy. One time they took in a stray cat. She called it Boo, and he called it Sparky. There was a bit of argument about it, and then he started calling the cat Boo and she started calling it Sparky. I told them that they acted like a young couple in love. (For whatever reason, the name Boo stuck, although I was firmly in the Sparky camp.)
I’ve been married (second time) for almost 30 years and there’s a lot of good advice in this thread.
One thing I’d offer is that fighting over money is usually a substitute for “I’m not getting my fair share of the deal here.”
Unless one spouse is genuinely reckless with money, the real reason for the argument is usually something like “I work all day, then I come home and work all evening and he buys new golf clubs! Why does he think he should take off and play golf?” Or, “We haven’t had any time alone since the baby was born and she bought new shoes! Where does she think she’s going that she needs new shoes?”
But instead of sitting down and talking about how the two of you need to split up household chores, or hire a babysitter so you can have some alone time as a couple, it’s easier to fight about the golf clubs and shoes.
Like laina_f, I have never been married, and, of course, I can see a lot that married people can’t, and vice versa.
- For a corollary to “Marriage isn’t 50-50, it’s 100-100” I’d like to add that it will end up being -150–317 many times. For a long, long stretch. And, it may never catch up. If you are the one carrying most of the load, expect for your mate to lecture you that you need to carry ‘your fair share.’
- Expect your mate to have some terrible failings that are never going to change. You will not discover them until you are married. The SO may be now hiding them, or may not even know that they exist, but, they will emerge.
- You agree totally about finances…now. Later, tho, there will be disagreements. You both like the joint account arrangement; OK, that means that you can expect your SO to clean it out for something stupid, while you are struggling to buy gas. Have a plan for something like this. Keep your eye on the money in the joint account on a weekly basis: not that your SO is a crook, but, mis-communication happens, or strange impulses.
All of your current understanding will be irrelevant, then.
Expect the worst, hope for the best.
ETA: btw, arguing will not change anything. Frank discussion probably won’t either, but, again, arguing surely won’t. Keep your grievances to yourselves.
Best wishes,
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I want to throw this book out there, just because I think it’s an interesting communication tool. It’s called The Language of Love by Trent & Smalley. (Not to be confused with the 5 Love Languages).
I received it from a stranger and tossed it aside. I didn’t read it for several months, but when I finally did - I found it to be an interesting concept. I’ve used the method many times when I’ve been trying to communicate how I feel, and it’s helped me get through when other things didn’t.
Ymmv.
This. No matter how much you “love” someone, if you don’t like them it will not work in the long run.
What the hell kinds of marriages have you been looking at?!? Not everyone is a terrible person, in a terrible marriage, doing terrible things.
I’m with you. My husband and I sometimes disagree but the way we look at it, we are partners in life. We are always on the same team even if one of us screws up or doesn’t agree. In our hearts, we are a united front to the world. We share our hopes, dreams and fears and always have someone to hold us when things are bad or to cheer us on when something is good.
All the other stuff is just details (important, I agree but easily dealt with when you are coming from the same place).