Forgive me, but I’m a bit confused. Based on my reading of P’s emails, it sounded like there was a possibility that she didn’t expect the office pool to pick up the entire tab, at least for the vacuum, but simply to use the office pool for a gift card that could be applied to it.
Now, it’s not at all clear about the earrings – it certainly does seem as if she’s expecting everyone to pick up the tab for the whole thing, otherwise, why mention how expensive they are and ask what people think about that. And even after she makes the above-quoted comment, she says she’d be happy to go out and pick up both items, which certainly implies paying for each of them in full. If it were me, I think I’d ask for clarification first. Perhaps she planned on using the office pool towards the earrings and kicking in the difference since it’s her daughter, but didn’t think it needed to be spelled out because she knows everyone knows the birthday limit is $10/person. Maybe? I dunno, she seems to contradict herself several times, so it’s hard to tell what her intentions are without asking. The “needing” diamond earrings comment was just absurd, regardless of who she thought would pay for them, though.
sorry, but i don’t see anything wrong with the birthday girl asking for a gift card to apply towards the major purchase of her choice.
she wasn’t asking you to buy it for her, she was asking that the money that would have been spent on her gift or gifts be in the form of a gift card she could apply towards the vacuum of her choice.
you may not agree with her choice of vacuum, but it’s her vacuum.
it doesn’t appear that mom specified just how much over the $140 total contribution the earrings would be. i think that unless this person did favors for the group all year long it is unreasonable to expect a more expensive gift than is customarily given.
if i were in that situation, i would tell mom that we would be happy to supply a gift card towards the earrings, but that it wouldn’t be fair to the group to expect everyone to contribute enough for the entire purchase and leave it at that.
it seems to me that you (or a co-worker) asked mom what they wanted, mom told you, and you disagree with their life choices.
None. I was just a little amazed that she could have a good reliable vac with an extended warranty, without having to put any money on it herself, but instead would rather have a vacuum cleaner because of the price tag and where it’s sold. Actually. Strike that. I’m not amazed at all. It fits in perfectly with the whole “keep up with the other doctors’ wives” mentality that pervades my profession.
Life choices? :dubious: They can do whatever they want with their lives. This is hardly what I would call a “life choice.” That particular term implies something that is going to have a major impact on someone’s life. It’s a birthday present. From coworkers. I’ve received jewelry from my children, my grandparents, my parents, and my husband (and more recently, my fiance). I feel uncomfortable asking for jewelry, because it’s a very personal intimate gift. I couldn’t imagine asking for jewelry from people I barely know, and I definitely feel uncomfortable confirming this woman’s sense of entitlement. That’s just me.
Given that the girl who wanted a vacuum cleaner isn’t the one who expressed any “need” for it, and further, expressed a desire to check consumer ratings before making a final decision on that model, I’m not sure I’d agree that she would “rather have a vacuum cleaner because of the price tag and where it’s sold” than “a good reliable vac with an extended warranty, without having to put any money on it herself.” In fact, I’m not convinced that that particular coworker even mentioned wanting that vac in reference to what she’d like as the office gift. She might very well have mentioned it in a completely different context, or just in passing, and “P” remembered her having said that’s something she’d like.
It seems to me you’re ascribing a lot of nasty motives to these people without a lot of supporting evidence for doing so. But you do know these people personally, so obviously you come by your understanding based on things other than what you’ve presented here – you’d have to, otherwise your anger appears to be a little out of proportion to some of what you’ve presented. At least as far as vacuum girl goes. Diamond earrings girl, not so much - she’s a piece of work. The mother – perhaps nothing more than a misunderstanding.
As you said, it’s jus something picked up over the past three years of working with these women.
The girl who wants the vacuum cleaner isn’t a bad person. She just tends to live way beyond her means, yet can’t figure out why she never has any cash. She won’t buy a good product for $50 if she can find it for $100. Materialism gets on my nerves. T, OTOH, is a grasping spoiled brat.
No one has mentioned yet (and I just thought of it) that there might be people working at your work who truly can’t afford $10 (much less $30) multiple times a year for co-workers’ birthdays, etc. A young person working their first job with their first apartment or paying off student loans might feel like they have to keep up with their co-workers when they really can’t afford to. Nobody wants to be the one who has to say, “I’d love to give you money for the birthday pool, but that’s half my grocery budget for the week.”
Another reason not to change the amount you contribute this time is that anybody who doesn’t rate an increase gets to feel like nobody loves them. They might as well go eat worms! Her upcoming wedding shouldn’t call for special circumstances either. Everybody can come up with something if they think hard enough. My car died last month, I just became an empty-nester, my husband won’t pick up his socks…
You’ll all probably be chipping in for shower and wedding presents pretty soon anyway. It’s up to Mommy or the fiance to provide her heart’s content. Not the gang from the office. How unfortunate not to know the boundaries between public and private.
At my work, only very good friends might bring in cake for everyone, sometimes the birthday kid brings it in themselves. Gifts are small and only between close friends.
I want to hate this mother and daughter as much as anyone, but I have to go along with those who said that it may be that the girl just wants to put a gift card toward her purchase. I will even go further and say that the mother may have even been using a bit of sarcasm when she said that her daughter felt a “need” for the earrings. Given the chance, she may have liked to use this guy here: :rolleyes:
As far as our office goes, it’s just the three of us and we do a card and lunch. In fact, I’m being taken for my birthday lunch today, two months after the fact. We work in an academic setting and June is just too full of lunches to do it then.
I think the emails could be interpreted in two ways: 1) Everyone is expected to give a huge amount to this gift because she wants diamond earrings, which she feels a need for, and a vacuum; or 2) These are some things she likes and she “feels a need” (hardy-har-har, wink-wink) for diamond earrings; the $10 that people contribute will be put toward those gifts.
If everyone always gives $10, then everyone should probably give $10 now and it doesn’t matter what it’s put toward. So some people are happy with cookbooks or DVDs; if someone else wants to put her gift card toward the most expensive item at Home Depot, so what, as long as the amount given is the same as it’s always been for everyone.
As I said, it isn’t. I don’t think you read what I posted.
I have nothing against the $140 being spent on whatever vac she wants. Personally, I don’t understand spending $400 on a vacuum, but that’s just me. The whole “I have to have this vacuum cleaner because it’s expensive and has X brand” thing is secondary, however. My amazement lies mainly in the fact that I’m being asked for more than usual to pay for a pair of diamond earrings that T needs to have. And yes, I verified with P that she is asking for extra “Just this one time, because she wants to wear the earrings at her wedding, and it’s only a few dollars more.”
You were quite correct about one thing; how people spend their money affects their lives. In this case, it’s my money. I am the one spending it.
Ordinarily, people accept gifts with good grace, whatever those gifts may be. I think asking for a pair of diamond earrings from coworkers is inappropriate. Obviously, you disagree. I think this is on a par with handing out a specific list to each person as to what they should buy. Don’t get me wrong; a guideline of what someone wants for their birthday is always helpful. I think it takes away half the fun, knowing what you’re getting. Again, that’s me.
But if you can honestly tell me that you fail to see the difference between a gift from a group of people you barely know and a personal gift from a loved one, then we’ll have to agree to disagree.
No, these are two separate people, two separate birthday gifts. I’m sorry if I wasn’t clear on that.
Yup, that was pretty much my thinking. I really don’t feel like shelling out more than $10/person. It’s what everyone has gotten in the past and this year (we’ve had 10 birthdays already this year), and I see no reason, wedding or no, why T should get special status on her gift.
That and, y’know, no one really had any say in what was being bought. M, who ordinarily does all this, puts a lot of thought and ingenuity into the gifts for everyone, but she generally asks everyone for ideas, and we all feel involved. This time we were told “This is what we’re getting.” No suggestions were allowed. That’s probably what chaps my hide the most.
If it’s only a few dollars more, then mommy should have no problem kicking in the difference for darling daughter.
If I were you, Maureen, I would give the usual amount, with a note that this is the last time you’ll be participating in work gift-giving because it has become way too mercenary. It really loses the spirit of a gift when people start expecting (virtually demanding) it.
Or your office could just collect enough to buy the earrings for her now and forgo the bridal shower and wedding gift, since she so desperately needs them.
i replied to something xema said thinking it was you, but i still believe what i stated applies to you.
i did however read everything you said.
i previously said :
"it doesn’t appear that mom specified just how much over the $140 total contribution the earrings would be. i think that unless this person did favors for the group all year long it is unreasonable to expect a more expensive gift than is customarily given.
if i were in that situation, i would tell mom that we would be happy to supply a gift card towards the earrings, but that it wouldn’t be fair to the group to expect everyone to contribute enough for the entire purchase and leave it at that. "
no one has a gun to your head, forcing you to contribute more than the customary $10 per gift.
tell “p” no, and say you don’t want to set a precident for higher gifting amounts and that a $10 contribution is more than enough.
i think you are forgetting that you are the one who suggested asking the mother of the woman who wants the earrings what she wanted?
you asked, she answered. you think it’s too “intimate” a gift, but i think ten dollars is ten dollars. does it really matter on your end what the cash is applied towards?
from everything you have said, i don’t get the feeling that you “barely know” these people. in fact, quite the opposite.
i don’t view jewelry as an intimate gift, unless it’s a family heirloom or something with an emotional connotation or connection.
It was me who read it wrong. I was wondering why people were referring to “vacuum girl” and “diamond earrings girl,” as though they were two people. My mistake.
I would definitely not give more than normal just because someone wants an expensive gift or is getting married. I actually would give ZERO for any occasion and tell everyone I am against the gift-giving-in-the-office tradition.
Someone ought to tell Mommy in your office that it doesn’t look good for her to be handling the gift for her daughter. Even if there’s nothing untoward about it, it creates an impression.
Man am I glad that my company doesn’t do any of that crap!
Excellent suggestion. makes note of Ms. Robyn’s name for all future gift giving etiquette type questions.
I’m only giving the usual $10 each, and I probably won’t be participating anymore, which is a little sad. It’s one of the things I enjoy about my office. The people who put this together are nice to have even thought of it. My employer isn’t beholden to do any of this; they buy lunches on birthdays because it’s good for morale and happy workers=productive workers. AFAIK, they’re among the minority in taking this into consideration.
No, I remember that quite clearly. However…
(situation a)“Hey. We need some suggestions. What do you think T would like for her birthday?”
“Oh, she would probably love a gift card to her favorite restaurant or this outfit she’s been looking at, or maybe a little toward these earrings she’d like for her upcoming wedding would be wonderful.”
(situation b) “Hey. We need some suggestions. What do you think T would like for her birthday.”
“I’ve decided we’re getting her these diamond earrings. She says she needs them to wear at her wedding. It’s only another $xx.xx per person, so no one should have a problem with it.”
Mm. Well, I would call it “barely know,” mainly because I interact with them as minimally as possible. When we do talk, it’s about work. Do I have a general idea of their personalities? Certainly, that’s why I don’t talk with them that much. I know M very well. I know what her favorite color is, where she likes to eat sushi, her children’s names, etc. I made the effort to get to know her. Most people, though, don’t go out of their way to really get to know the people they work with. Most especially people whose personalities rub them the wrong way. There’s no point. Those are the people you “have to work with, but don’t have to like it.”
And I understand that. As I said, we’ll have to agree to disagree. To me, jewelry is a very personal gift.
I wouldn’t mind my $10 going towards a special gift. However, unless you’re specifically saying this is combined with a shower/wedding gift, it is completely inappropriate to increase the amount of the gift.
If they want something expensive, they can get a gift certificate to the store of their choice, that they can put toward the thing they really want. I think that is totally fair and reasonable for an office gift.