The Tech’s Little List Song
(With apologies to Gilbert and Sullivan)
As someday it may happen
your computer must be fixed
I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list
Of some people that I just won’t help
and who’s asses I won’t kiss
I’ve got a little list, I’ve got a little list
There’s the person who’s description of the problem is “It’s broke”
The person I helped yesterday, but claims we never spoke
The man who calls for help but will not talk to women techs,
“Computers are a mystery to people of their sex”
he’ll grunt (that stupid, loutish, ugly, brain-dead chauvinist)
I’ve got him on my list, I’ve got him on my list
and he never will get fixed, he never will get fixed.
Folks who know their “hard-drive’s” broke 'cause their modem won’t connect
All women who think crying works to motivate a tech.
All persons who claim expertise and “KNOW” the problem’s cause
All customers who can’t type with their clumsy silly paws
And persons who just waste your time by telling you they’re pissed
I’ve got them on my list, I’ve got them on my list
and they never will get fixed, they never will get fixed.
There’s the snotty little bastard who “can’t play DOOM any more”
The “expert” who “has fixed 'puters since 1924”
The harried pissant yuppie who wants his problem solved-and NOW!
The lawsuit I’ll be slapped with by a bitchy, Nazi frau,
Who says regarding contract law she’s quite the legalist
I’ve got her on the list, I’ve got her on the list
and she never will get fixed, she never will get fixed.
There’s the user who just whines and moans “his programs will be lost”
And when pressed admits it’s pirate software gotten for no cost.
The man who won’t stop eating, chewing, slurping in my ear
The woman who won’t press a key, she’s paralyzed with fear
She’ll tells you that it’s just too hard, she’s a helpless little Miss.
I’ve got them on the list, I’ve got them on the list
and they never will get fixed, they never will get fixed.
The worst of all these callers, though, I haven’t mentioned yet
That most horrible of callers who I’d rather die than get
The one who takes and turns my perfect call-times into dreck
Of course I’m speaking only of another 'puter tech
(Who’s face I’d like to have an interaction with my fist)
I’ve got him on the list, I’ve got him on the list
and he never will get fixed, he never will get fixed.
Fenris
