On a dive trip to Little Cayman last month, we had two very fun gals as captain and first mate on our dive boat who had a very well practiced routine for abusing their guests. It was all fun, friendly banter to set the tone for the week. On on the first day we only had 8 divers instead of the scheduled 20 because another group was delayed in arriving. The first mate said loudly what a pleasure it was only having to deal with 8 assholes this time to which the captain readily agreed.
I piped in, “Wow, I guess we’re lucky. We only have to deal with two.”
That got a round of laughs and “ooooooohs” from everyone on the boat, including our lovely crew – as well as threats from the ladies they they would make special checks on my air tank and regulator before every dive.
We were watching the first Clinton inauguration. He had whipped Bush in the election.
Bush was in the background and Clinton was there too. I quipped “It aint over till the fat lady sings” just as this rather obese lady started singing for Clinton. The whole office doubled over laughing.
I’m a terrible joke teller. That quip was my finest moment.
Years ago at an international conference, an Aussie colleague was teasing a Kiwi with the old “Illegal to tuck your pants into your boots in New Zealand.” joke.
My boss fell for it and asked why - when told that it was a sign that the Kiwis immobilized a sheep by sticking its legs into the boots - my boss, deadpan as ever said “Oh no, I’d never do that - I like to turn them over so I can kiss them.”
I took this to mean that racer72 was implying that his sister was going to use the broom to go home, by flying it like a witch. Hence the laughter, and his sister trying to hit him with the broom.
Backstory-
My one of my summer jobs in HS was to park cars for the rich & [del]obnoxious[/del] famous at a ritzy apartment house. The job was a dream if you liked getting paid less than minimum wage “because you’ll get tips” from people who’d never ever tipped the parking staff. The selling point was that I’d get to drive ‘fancy imported European sports cars’ (OK, so the key on a Bentley goes in high and on the left. Big deal).
But I was young, wanted to use my new drivers license & stupidity ensued.
Now this building had indoor & outdoor parking, but there was only enough indoor parking for 20% of the cars. And each tenant not only new that, but demanded indoor parking anyway, so we had to stack the cars in the cement bunker like basement deck. The tenants didn’t like this, but as space was limited, there was nothing that could be done.
The Moment-
One night, a gentleman drove up with a forest green Jag and a Brooklyn accent told me to park his car. He turned to me and said,
“Hey Yous! Yous park dis cah so it don get moved again. Get it…!?”
I turned to him w/o missing a beat and replied, “…Ever?”
At least one guy I had worked with actually fell over laughing.
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“…don gets smaht wit me, kid…!”
In a grocery store checkout line on Feb 2nd (groundhog day) the customer ahead of me is talking to the cashier and asks “If the groundhog sees his shadow, we get 6 more weeks of winter. What do we get if he doesn’t?” I chimed in with “A month and a half”. Lots of laughter, due to this area’s harsh winters.
I was talking to a member of my company’s Board of Directors, who told his favorite story about being courted by an elite country club in the 1950’s, back when anti-Semitism was rampant. Back then, as a young up-and-comer he found out he was being considered to become their “token Jew” - and he would have none of it.
At the cocktail party where he was being assessed, the lead Reviewer Guy, let’s call him Waspy McWaspington, approach him. Every article of clothing Waspy was wearing had golf logos on it - the shirt, pants, the belt, the blazer, the tie - all covered with little knit clubs or balls or golfers. You get the idea.
My guy looks at Waspy and says "wow, you really like golf!’
To which Waspy replies “why, yes, I do”
…to which my guy follows up with “thank god you don’t like fucking!”
He didn’t get in…
…but you should hear the pride in his voice when he tells that story…
At dinner my daughter said that if the TV show 2 and 1/2 men was canceled, they should make a new show called 2 and 1/2 women. My son looked at my wife and said. “Mom you would be perfect for that part.”
When talking about possible holiday destinations, my mum said “I don’t want to dictate France”. I told her I was glad to hear she’d got over the Napolean complex.
We were at my 8 year old niece’s birthday party today, and one of her aunts was dishing out cake and ice cream. You need to know that the aunt and I razz each other back and forth, in a good-natured way.
There was 3 kinds of ice cream (My sister does birthdays big time for her kids) Auntie asked each person what kind of ice cream they wanted. As she did this, a scoop came out of the spoon and landed on the table. She grabbed it with her bare hand and plopped it down on the plate. I said, “None for me, thanks”. Everyone roared, except that she glared at me.
My stepson JP and I were watching old episodes of Unsolved Mysteries. Earlier we’d been watching MST3K, so we were riffing on the UM episodes. One of the episodes featured an interview of a college-age guy whose mother had mysteriously vanished. “When she hadn’t come home by midnight, I knew she was dead,” he said.
I riffed: “Yeah, but that one time you said Mom was dead and she was just taking a nap!” JP shook with laughter for a good three minutes.
