Someone explain that one to me so I don’t start giggling in church tomorrow.
Without outing the person, did it turn out to be someone you knew? Just curious!
Oh, yes, brief update on that: Yeah, I don’t know if the other person would want to be “outed” or not (he can out himself if he wishes) but yes, I was actually in the room for one of the previous one-liners mentioned in this thread, and remembered it enough that it rang a bell. Also, that poster was just as anonymous to me as anyone else on the SDMB, prior to posting that anecdote.
Small world, huh?
Drum and Bugle Corps…Director is giving a rather uncomfortable speech on limiting our romantic escapades on tour.
D: “I really dont see how you can get all that romantic on a gym floor with 126 other people”
Me: “Well John, we do need to be able to give a good performance for a crowd”
EMT days:
I’m grousing about how far over our shift has run.
Partner: Think of it this way, you’re on OT.
Me: I’m gonna be on o2
Cool. I once recognized my brother here, after he recounted a story from the previous weekend. I knew he knew about these boards, but not that he read them until then. That was many years ago, and I don’t think he posts here or reads anymore, and truth is, I don’t even remember his username!
i have a tendency to say things before my mind thinks things through and consequently puts
me in many awkward situations. Fortuneately, i am iredeemed by the fact, that while crude,
my quips often bring down the house. (as an aside, i’d like to provide others of who have
this potential destructive tendency, one small piece of advice; There is safety in numbers,
so the bigger the group is that provide you your witnesses, also serve to protect you
oftentimes from potential problems resulting from your over active mouth.)
case in point. The follow 2 situations could have turned out far, far worse.
A few years ago i had a boss who triggered my mouth simply with the innocent question "Where
do you think i’m from?"
I promptly replied, completely unmaliciously, “From your daddy’s bunghole”.
He never quite treated me the same after that.
Recently, another situation caused me to go off again without regard to consequences.
First, though, i must explain what started it. A fellow employee had been cleaning house in
a storage container, when he came across some pornographic magazines. (No pun intended) he
then decided to share his find with the rest of us by laying them out on a table for our
perusal in the break room. while we were having our lunch our boss came in, noticed the
magazines, laughingly picked one up and scanned through it for a short period.
after a bit, he looks up and and spreads the mag out for us all to see a picture of 2 women
entertaining eachother with a big, black dildo of ten inches or more. At this point he
decides to grace us with this-
“See that schlong? Mine’s just like that-”
“like what? Made of plastic?” my mouth shot off…
Fortuneatly, this boss has a better sense of humor… (I’m still working there.)
Lastly, I have another situation where my one-liners get me in trouble.
Namely where my mouth aims it’s talent right back at me to the point i’m contemplating
trying out Kip’s Internet time machine just go back and sew my mouth shut.
One day i had a conflict with a fellow employee, who i felt was trying to get one over on
me. He wanted me to do something for him that i didnt want to do. So using the awesome
obstacle overcomer line “Come on man, you know you want to help me” My mouth went and did
it again, and backfired in the grandpappy of all self burns-
“Come on- My ass!”
I chose this username for something long ago because I have a terrible memory and could never remember what names I chose for online things. It may even have been for here - I wasn’t expecting to stay here forever 
( I will preface this story by telling ya’ll I have naturally curly hair.)
I went to high school in a small rural town and our drama teacher was one of thoes big-fish-in-a-small-pond type and I used to love taking her down a peg when I could. One deay she was blah blahing about something and she put her hands on her hips and delared “People, I have stories that would just curl your hair.” Me, totally deadpan: " I heard 'em."
I love this thread, BTW.
Chabad Houses are everywhere. Travel to Siberia or the Amazon jungle or whatever, and a man in a black hat will come over to you and say, “Excuse me, Mister? Are you Jewish? Did you put on tefillin today? Miss? Do you light Shabbos candles on Fridays?”
So, yeah, I like to joke about how they’ll be in outer space trying to get to aliens to keep kosher.
You may need to be British to get this (and it happened many years ago).
I ran into an ex-girlfriend at a party. She was aware that in a few weeks time I was due to move to the city of Bristol, to go to college there.
She poked me in the stomach with her finger and said, “You’re putting on weight. You aren’t going to get any nice Bristol girls that way.”
For a couple of seconds I genuinely could not process her meaning. Then I said, “Oh, I’m sorry. I thought you were talking about something quite different for a moment.”
Explanation for U.S. readers: In Britain, “Bristol” is not just the name of a city, it is also a well known, if rather dated, slang term for “breast” (a fact that has meant that I have never been able to take Sarah Palin’s family troubles quite seriously).
Another:
I was talking with a friend of mine and his girlfriend about a rather diverse group of people I had recently met.
I said, “They were not a very homogeneous group.”
He said, “Hey, you are using big words I don’t understand now!” (He was goofing about. He understood perfectly well.)
I said, “It means a very, very clever queer.”
Sorry, but it needs to be “queer”. With a more politically correct term like “gay,” it just isn’t funny.
A while back, the former cast of Mystery Science Theater did a RiffTrax Live bit. The premise was this - they watched Plan 9 from Outer Space, and made fun of the movie, live. The feed was broadcast via satellite to a couple hundred theaters.
I was watching it in Morgantown, WV, and we were having a big thunderstorm, which messed with reception. For the most part, the glitches were very brief, and sporadic. Near the end of the presentation, though, we actually completely lost the feed for almost ten minutes.
As we sat there watching cable diagnostic screens, waiting for the show to return, I burst out with a riff of my own.
“Welcome to… THE FUTURE!”
Big laugh from the crowd.
This one happened… Lordy, perhaps 15 to 16 years ago…
I was with some friends from college in a village near Barcelona, where we were spending a free day at the house of one of them.
We decided that it would be nice to ride bicycles around the village, but one of us said: “Oh, I don’t know, I am a bit afraid because it’s been years and years since I last rode on a bicycle”.
I looked at her, and said in a totally serious voice: “Riding a bicycle is like riding a bicycle; once you’ve learned you never forget”.
I grew up in a house filled with dysfunction that was loud and rancorous, chaotic, never dull, but still laced with humour. Ofter, evil hurtful, sometimes dark but still there was a good amount of humour as well.
As the four children grew into their teenage years there came a day when, in jest, one of the brothers stood up to my mother and said, “What are you going to do? Hit me?”, as he towered over her.
Really it meant she just ratcheted up the verbal and there seemed always to someone screaming at someone. One of her favorite new threats, to start a fire under an uncooperative teenager, was “…or I’ll scratch my name off your birth certificate!”
One day she finished up her string of threats with this gem, top of her lungs, directed at me, I was up in my room, I think. Without missing a beat I screamed back, “I already did!” I could hear my siblings laughing all over the house.
No problems outing myself.
MsWhatsit and I were at Northwestern together and lived in the same dorm. She graduated a year after I did.
This is a great thread; I registered solely to reply.
This happened a few days ago…
I was with friends. The discussion was about another friend, “Rachel” (who was not present) returning to school.
Bob: “What does Rachel want to go to school for?”
Jane: “She wants to be an ultrasound tech.”
Bob: “What the heck does an ultrasound tech do?”
Me (with an appropriate accent): “Please pass the jelly.”
I just remembered another one.
I was taking a class on Special Education. We just finished the unit on hearing impairments. Normally whenever someone mentions anything about hearing, I will automatically reply with a “Huh?” or a “What was that again?”, but for this unit, I made it a point not to do that.
At the end of the unit, the instructor asked, “OK. Are there any more questions about hearing impairments?”
I tried. I really did try, but I could not keep myself from saying, “I’m sorry. What was that again?”
Everyone in the room busted a gut.
Several years back I was attending a special presentation on psychiatric medications and cautions. This was during the summer, although not a particularly hot or bright one.
The presenter made the point that when on certain medications one should be careful about the intense rays of the summer sun. The problem would not only exist on a clear day. The sun’s rays could be scattered by summer haze and there could be just as much a hazard. The specific medication types included those to combat depression.
Now, people struggling with depression are often considered apathetic as well as lethargic. Unfortunately, they tend to be lumped with all sorts of other folks with problems,becuase of stigma, as nutty, or crazy.
And, anyway, anyone spending a considerable amount of time under the sun, especially when napping might be considered lazy.
Now, I think that you may be starting to put all of this together.
I perked up and quipped:
*Oh. So you’re talking about the…
Lazy,
Hazy,
Crazy…
days of summer!*
(With a little traveling music.)
I was hanging out with one of my friends at a local dive, and he and this other guy got into conversation about how it is such a pain in the rear when you mess up trying to shave your goatee. When you screw up, then you have to correct the other side to match the side that you trimmed too much, and then you screw that up, so you have to fix the other side again, and so on and so forth. I was laughing at them, when the other guy turned to me and stated “…but you wouldn’t have that problem would you?” And me, being the girly jokester replied “Not on my face!” We lost it!