You make a lousy hippie. Study Accounting while you’re going to a top accounting school anyway. Or Business. Or Marketing. You’ll be shocked that you kinda like it and are kinda good at it. But continue avoiding Law. And computers, but only until they stop using punch cards. You’ll like them then.
More woman advice: Melissa isn’t into you as much as you think and will try to set you up with Nancy, who doesn’t like you any better than you like her. And that girl from whatever that class was–she’ll misunderstand and bring her boyfriend along on your double date.
It will suck if you don’t date much in your teens and twenties, but it will pick up when you get the hell out of East Tennessee and move to Brooklyn. Don’t even think about not going to that party in Park Slope in 1995, and wait next to the keg.
Be more confident in your writing ability. Submit stuff for publication. Don’t always worry that you’re not good enough to compete with “real” writers.
Or, in my case, figure out earlier that you’re not good enough to compete with “real” writers, and you won’t be the next Mike Royko, so don’t waste time in Journalism classes. And if you do, LEARN TO TYPE! I can’t emphasize that enough. Learn to use fewer commas; you aren’t Charles Dickens, either.
And don’t think like this: “Hmmm, neither the Tribune nor the Sun Times replaced Royko. Maybe if I had typed better…” No good could come of it.
In 1997 your cousin and his wife will give you some career advice. Do NOT listen to it. Their career issues are of their own making and will not affect you.
That that risk. I don’t mean the physical risk, like skateboarding down a steep hill while drunk. I mean take the chance that you might be embarrassed, or that some asshole might poke fun at you. Ask the girl out. Wear that funny hat that only you like. Go on that trip that you’re not sure will be fun. Accept that invitation. Lead, don’t follow.
Then, forget the the bad parts and remember the good. The shit builds up over the years. I can tell you, younger self, you can’t do anything useful with that long list of petty wrongs that have been done you over the years but good memories are things of beauty.
Funny how many (all guys, I presume) are saying “get laid more”.
For me (also a guy), it’s more the opposite (and I didn’t get laid *that *superhumanly much, although a lot more that I expected): You know that feeling you have, “I HAVE TO FUCK THIS PERSON RIGHT NOW”?
You don’t. You really don’t. Treat her like a person. Have some respect. Appreciate friendships. Your relationships and your life in general will be much, much better.
Your self-hatred, self-contempt, and self-anger are leading you to squander a LOT of your opportunities for happiness and meaning in life. Turn your attention outward, and you’ll be a much more fulfilled person, with much more compassion for yourself and others.
And, as a corollary–intelligence and success aren’t fixed qualities inherent in people. Being smart doesn’t mean automatically knowing things. It means pushing yourself to learn things, even if it makes you look or feel dumb. Learning things will, in turn, increase your ability to learn more new things. And that, of course, is what intelligence really is.
As another corollary–be honest about what you really like and want out of life. You think what you want is to be some kind of great scientist, preferably one earning a Nobel Prize, or a great artist, preferably one who exhibits in high-status galleries around the world. But what you really want is: 1) proof that you’re a worthwhile human being and 2) a life that’s as unlike your mother’s as possible (i.e., a life with autonomy, adventure, and positivity). Pay attention to the things you genuinely like to do–not just because they make you look good, but because they give you joy in themselves. The things you actually love to do and that benefit others are the things you’re supposed to do. They’ll lead you to personal and financial success.
Now that I’ve given you some general advice, here are some more specific pointers:
Pass your touch typing and health classes. Don’t let grades below a C in those classes keep you from a National Merit Scholarship. You want that money. Trust me on this.
In the first couple of years of college, show up to lectures, do the reading, and really engage with the material. Don’t think that having to do the work is proof that you’re stupid and can’t learn anything significant.
You stop being attractive to men in your early 30s. Use the limited time you have wisely. Start dating by the time you’re 15. As soon as you figure out that a guy is incompatible with you, for whatever reason, break up with him. Once you’ve broken up with him, don’t take him back, no matter how lonely you are or how afraid you are that no-one else will be interested in you.
Buy bitcoins. They don’t exist yet, but they will. Oh, and invest in a small coffee roaster called “Starbucks.”
In 2004, you’ll meet the cousin of a friend of yours. Yes, he’s cute. And smart. And funny. Go ahead and date him if you want, but DON’T marry him. Once again, trust me on this. Please.
Do not just skip the last half of your SAT and turn it in completely blank. My god girl.
Further, you should probably do some other things to get into college, which you should then attend and actually do the work you need to do to graduate.
Stop pining for all these unattainable women. They’re are not interested in a skinny, awkward, brace faced kid.
Oh and that nerd girl that’s been dropping hints at like crazy but you’re too stupid to notice? Yeah, she may be more plain looking but I’ll bet she’s more fun. Hell, she might even watch Star Trek with you!
Be meaner, lie more, cheat more, use people & discard. In later life you will then do better in business, not have any regrets about missing out because you let others ahead of you and yes, money = happiness and it tis he only thing successful people will care about you.
Go fly in Alaska, make that drug run just one time & you will have gotten all that $$$$$. You are right to never have used drugs. Don’t drink, you have an addictive personality. you are better served in beating people up than you are in drinking. Sober, it is easy to not get caught hurting people.
The odds of finding anyone who will help you bury the bodies ia less than a Million to one so just do the deeds solo and always remember if you are the ONLY one who knows something, then it is a secret but if it is written down, or another person who is living knows, the world will soon know so never, never let it be known. It is good you got that right from the git - go.
I’d just tell myself to stop trying so hard to be cool. I cringe at the memories of how desperate to be liked I was, and how untrue to myself I was. I think if I could’ve mastered that one thing, a lot of the other stuff would have taken care of itself.