Believe in yourself and don’t take the easy way out.
Skip the houses on Staten Island and NJ. Move to LI. Your friends live there and you love the beach. Also, try harder at math even if you hate it and have children three years earlier. You’re a good mother, you really are. And avoid your MIL. She’s a passive-aggressive cunt. And for heaven sakes, stop being afraid to submit your writing work. An editor’s no is better than not writing at all. Oh and when you get the job with the fabulous literary agency? Stop being so nervous. You’re fine. Do not go for the job at the financial newspaper instead. You will hate it and get laid off a year later. Also, never work for free and avoid E. A. and R. They’re not worth it. Get internet access as soon as you can. It will change your life.
Stop drinking the cheap shit. Really, you’re just going to puke it all up again. Buy a real drink, take your time and enjoy it.
That way you’ll be sober enough to recognize when she’s hitting on you.
Your parents are lunatics. They are not normal. Do not let them affect your self-image in any way, shape or form.
Complicated story, but – don’t go to the university which you were scheduled and on-track to go to. Run away – to another continent – even if doing so, led to your being in combat in-country in Vietnam. The very worst which could have come of that, would at any rate have been neater and cleaner and simpler, than what resulted from doing what you did do.
Do stuff you enjoy in college. Try some theater and writing classes. Move to LA and go for it - this is the time to try it.
Also - this is important - In late October, 2000, take some time off and go down to Palm Beach, Florida. Work with the Democratic Party there and get the word out that Al Gore is the THIRD HOLE on the ‘butterfly ballot.’ Go to all the nursing homes and hand out flyers with a big green arrow and AL GORE! pointing to the third hole. On election day, ride on the buses of the geriatrics going to the polls and give lectures from the front about how if you want to vote the Democratic ticket, it’s the third hole on the ballot.
Ask Ashley out in senior year! She likes you in a big way! The signs are all there, but you’re too shy to see and act on it. I don’t blame you, Little Mask; just make it right by taking my advice. SHE WILL SAY YES, I bet our lives on it!
As for when to ask her out . . . well, when she starts bringing you homemade lunches and eats alone with you every day in an empty, unused classroom, go for it! Man, it’s almost painful to think you didn’t even realize it at this point.
Other than that, way to go buddy. Life worked out as planned 
Open a savings account. Put money in it EVERY time you get paid.
Don’t cut your hair & pay closer attention in Trigonometry.
Think of big things you want to do during your life. Then, do those big things before the shackles of responsibility take hold.
Do not listen to your father when he says that you have to have a husband to be happy and secure. Go to Scripp’s and take that internship to Wood’s Hole.
Do listen to your father when he says to put 10% of everything you make in the bank as soon as you make it and then discipline yourself to live on the rest.
Don’t smash your finger in a car door
Get laid more, you pussy.
Talk to your dad more.
I’d tell me not to worry so much about the future. Things aren’t as complicated as they seem.
I’d also tell me to not be so scared of getting in trouble. Being a “good girl” is overrated.
Take college seriously. And if one is offering you a partial scholarship, don’t simply dismiss it as “throwing you a bone” just because your dad and sister went there.
Oh, and just because you won’t be playing baseball every spring and summer after you turn 19 doesn’t mean you shouldn’t stay in shape
My teenage self could eat whatever he wanted without getting fat, looked great without exercising, had a bunch of girlfriends, smoked a lot of pot, never really had any money but could still somehow always afford a pack of cigarettes, which he could smoke without losing the ability to walk up stairs. Most of all, he had fun and actually enjoyed life,
I want *him *to give *me *some advice.
This. Although I might phrase it more as, “while you are being friend-zoned by the girl you’re after, you are right at this moment friend-zoning a handful of girls, any one of which is more worthy of your attention, and you don’t even realize it.”
That a$$hole that you’re going to give one more chance to… Yeah, he’s going to leave you pregnant and alone. Don’t do it.
Yes, your Mother is crazy. It’s not you; stop listening to her and you’ll be fine.