Text her to let her know that you are thinking about her on The Day. And you can add a GIF of some virtual flowers. She can then choose to show to whoever she wants or not. And it cost you nothing! Like this:
Thinking of you my dear sweet friend. Will you be my Valentine?
She’ll be out of town. Text her. Wish her a Happy Valentine’s Day. Make a date for dinner when she’s back.
You can make the dinner as nice (or ordinary) as you like, with only as much romantic pressure as you feel like.
JMHO but if you ever expect her to be your girlfriend (and I think you do) avoid the use of the word “friend” at all times.
Pfft. I’ve seen you around. You know things.
See? This is gold!
If you have any photoshop skills, something cute could be to send her a casual selfie, but have cupid somewhere in the background aiming his arrow towards you.
This reply from @Reply was really perfect, although personally I’d mention something on Valentine’s Day, such as “We can do something nice for Valentine’s day when I see you again”, so that she at least knows that you thought of her. I would only do this this soon based on how I’m inferring your relationship is moving along (quickly).
Then just do something romantic when you meet up again.
Woah, are you up for raising 2 young children? Because that’s where she is.
Possibly, yes.
The cow-orker who introduced us did so after I was lamenting the impact of my divorce on my relationship with my son, who is 12. I told her that I feel like I’m missing out on his childhood, since I don’t see him every day. And despite my antipathy towards my own family, I actually value family togetherness.
When I expressed that I’d be fine dating a woman who has kids, that when she said “I think I have someone for you.”
Obviously, the first and prime issue is the relationship, and whether we prove compatible once any infatuation wanes.
But, yes, I’d be okay ending up married with a house full of people. (In my wildest dreams, we end up having a little girl to offset the boys we both have). Of course, even the idea of that is way off. And she praises her ex as a very good dad, and somebody she has a good relationship with. I’m sure both of us are fine taking the notion of blending a family quite slow.
Far from a romance expert and I am biased by being married for four decades to a woman who mocks Valentines Day as part of the industry of Hallmark Holidays. I am much more the romantic than she is. She never didn’t like flowers though. Except roses. Hates roses.
Better to err low key than over the top. Don’t try too hard to impress when you don’t yet know her well enough to know her preferences. Nice card or even text and looking forward to seeing again when you are back. Don’t let an artificial holiday impose a timeline.
Hey @Moriarty I’m happy for you! This new interest sounds… interesting.
She’s got two, ages 6 and 2? And you’ve got one, age 12?
Whoa. I don’t want to dump a bucket of water on the flames here but I’ll share caution from my own experiences.
Me, I had 3 kids ages 12, 10, and 8 back when I started dating seriously. 2 boys, and the youngest is a girl. I recommend you go slowly because it’s not just you two here. The dynamics are very complex with the 3 kids. If your kid isn’t ready for you to have a deep and meaningful relationship then I suggest you slow it waaaaay down until he’s ready. Be observant of the signals he is giving you.
My girlfriend and I took it really slowly until I knew that my kids were welcoming her into their lives. She’s been my wife now for over 22 years.
I know someone else, a guy who has 2 grade school kids and they were not ready. This guy went ahead anyway and it alienated the kids — they alienated themselves from him. The damage was such that even now over ten years later they are only now getting over despising him. Very sad.
All the best to you!
Very good advice, even though this is just beginning. Other very important people are part of the picture, too. Your 12-year old is entering a pivotal and fragile time for boys.
(Hi @Bullitt! 
)
I certainly agree that this is good advice.
But my son is only with me every other weekend, and I regret to say that I don’t feel like we are really close. Part of it may be the pre-teen tendency to answer tersely, but the lack of day to day interactions have definitely created some distance between us.
That’s not to say that I won’t be mindful of his feelings, and I would definitely sit down and talk with him before I began a blended family. I just don’t think he’d care that much.
Yes, this is not atypical. I raised two boys and one girl (and was very active in Youth Ministry for several years), and what you’re experience tends to be the norm, although exceptions aren’t uncommon. It’s the typical Oedipus complex. When my daughter had difficulties with her mom, I helped to bridge that gap and advocated for the mom (my ex-wife), even when my ex-wife and I were having difficulties in the early parts of our divorce. I’m grateful that even during the difficulties of our divorce, she and I both kept the kids’ needs and security foremost. As best we could anyway. And Lord knows I butt heads with my boys. And the ex-wife helped then too.
Kids in the junior high and high school years are extremely vulnerable, and rifts during this time can send life trajectories in directions that will take many many years of work to correct. If it can be corrected.
Look, IANAE and I only speak from experience. I count my years being a platoon sergeant to many young Marines in that experience. I’m confident that others here are more wise and can contribute excellent advice in this area.
When I was going through my divorce the kids were 11, 9, and 7. I sheltered them from the girls I dated, and I introduced them only when I knew the relationship was nicely stable and also would be long-lasting (and by that I mean highly likely to last at least 6 months into the future). Fortunately that meant only one girl, and she became my wife (and she still is da wife). I’m fortunate and blessed.
Kids are often the true victims in divorces, and they need to be sheltered. Yes we adults have our needs, both emotional and physical, but I recommend being mindful of the kids during these times of ‘test-driving’ the next main squeezes. (Is that even a term that’s still used?)
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Howdy @ThelmaLou !
This hit home.
I’m not going to make this about me and tell my saga but as the child of a divorce that happened in 1973 with parental remarriages in 1975 and 1976, this hit home. All of that completely fucked up a bunch of innocent children pretty much beyond repair because none of those assholes considered the how the way they went about it would affect us and the same went for my step’s other sides.
Please put the children first.
I don’t have much legitimacy posting in this thread given the opinions on dating I have expressed here recently, but this is how I would approach this.
I was in that situation 5 years ago to the week. My ex and I had been a couple for only a month when Valentine’s Day came. Yet, our relationship was already very intense and it was clear that it was much more than casual dating. I had the feeling that she wasn’t the kind of woman who cared about big romantic gestures, but I still agonized about it for days. In the end, I casually told her just that. “Hey, Valentine’s Day is on Friday. I don’t feel that you really care about it, and it’s still super early in our relationship, so I wasn’t planning to do anything special apart from spending some quality time with you. Is that all right with you?” It was.
It’s too early for flowers, and definitely not at work. Ditto for gifts. Chocolates? Perhaps, still a bit much in my opinion.
I’d also avoid asking “where you stand”, as it puts pressure on the other person, which may very well be off-putting this early.
I’d combine the advice in this two quotes.
Keep it sincere and simple. A nice text on the morning of Valentine’s Day, with a witty remark like the one in @filmore’s post. It shows that you’re thinking of her, that the date hasn’t escaped your notice, and that you’re taking things easy. Thoughtful and appropriate given the short time since you’ve met.
Oh, and don’t worry about the age difference. In my last two relationships, my exes were 11 and 13 years younger than me. It was never an issue. But do approach the question of yours kids with a lot of caution.
I’m glad we’re back to the OP’s intent. Although @hajario I’m very sorry to hear of your experience.
@Moriarty , include me in the camp of Do Not Send Anything Physical (flower(s), chocolate, cards) to her at work. I believe that a text is appropriate.
Keep checking in (with yourself, with her) as you escalate this relationship. If certain outpourings (for want of a better word) are not reciprocated, and if that starts becoming systemic, it’s time to back away for a little bit.
yanno what, send her rose(s) or just a single one; bonus points for using colored fonts (which we can’t here on the Dope), too
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Sheesh. This is two dates and we’re jumping to blended family concerns? Maybe we can give them a month of dating first?
A new girlfriend or even spouse at some fit point is not going to be the determining factor with our OP’s son. And the big deal for her kids is that she and her ex are on good terms committed to a parenting partnership. As they possibly get closer his role in that interaction is supportive and deferential to that partnership.
I think you are very wrong here. Even though he may not show it and keep his feelings hidden, this would be a huge big deal to him. This is a 12-year-old we’re talking about. There is a lot going on inside of him that he does not have the maturity or experience to deal with. And there is still time for you two to become close.
You’re god damned right we are. You have to consider the kids from the very beginning. I’ve dated women with children. It’s discussed right away so you don’t get too attached if there’s a non-starter. This exceedingly obvious for anyone with experience in the matter. If you’re not a child of divorce or someone who got divorced with young children, you don’t need to be part of this discussion.