I could see myself doing something similar to what your girlfriend did.
If you talked to me about it afterwards, and said you were disappointed and hurt, because you’d wanted to spend time with me, I’d be apologetic and make an effort to be less thoughtless in the future.
If you said I was ‘giving people the wrong impression’ I’d just laugh, because who cares what a bunch of randoms think. Then I’d want to know if I gave you the wrong impression, because I wouldn’t want to do that (assuming I do actually like you).
If you said that you were worried about what the guy would get up to, I’d be angry that you thought I was so incompetent and helpless that I couldn’t even have a conversation without a guardian present.
Not to say that your girlfriend thinks the same as me or anything, but different ways of approaching the issue will get different responses. What is really important to you as the key issue?
She wasn’t talking with “someone she barely knows.” She was talking with a fellow fan. The big question is, is it just Doctor Who? Or will she be doing this with Firefly, Babylon 5, and Star Trek, too?
I didn’t read the whole thread, but I agree strongly with kayaker and Acsenray.
At the personal level I’d go even further (I’m not particularly jealous, and would be fine with an ‘open’ relationship if that was what I and my partner agreed upon), but even if you demand physical fidelity, that’s a very different thing from expecting each of you never to socialize with other people without the other one in tow.
She should have her own life that doesn’t always involve you (and the same of course goes for you). Just my two cents, of course.
Really. The guy who says he hasn’t been in a bar in a long time. Hm.
You really need to pile on assumptions about people to make your life work, eh?
For the record, I’m an introverted 45-year-old teetotaller with quiet hobbies who prefers to spend time with close friends and family in private settings. I choose to spend little time in bars because I am observant enough to know what happens.
People don’t stay in locked pairings in bars. They just don’t. And that’s the point. That’s why you aren’t assigned a table. That’s why a server doesn’t bring you everything. You’re encouraged to move around and engage in a variety of interactions.
It’s not my cup of tea, but it’s easy to see why a lot of people like it. It’s casual and encourages unexpected interactions.
If you don’t like how things work in a bar or club then you’re free to do what I usually do—not go there.
Who said anything about swinging? Oh wait, you’re the one who said they every conversation is just really a pretext for boning, or something. Maybe you’re not aware of the full spectrum of ways that people can enjoy talking to each other that don’t lead to boning.
Hell, forget what we say here and listen to what your girlfriend is telling you about being a normal social human.
(Maybe that’s because I’m not, by nature, so I prefer dating people who are, so that we can each make up for some of the other’s deficiencies). Depends what you’re into, I suppose.
LOL. I’m about the farthest thing from a feminist, radical or otherwise. One doesn’t need to be a feminist to think that trying to control who adult women talk to at a bar (or men- I’d think it was equally silly if the shoe was on the other foot) is kind of pathetically over-possessive.
Which doesn’t answer the question. Almost everyone I work with is “out of college with careers,” meaning everyone is 21 and older (on up to age 75). So how old are you two, and how many relationships have you been in prior to this one?
Interesting. You come here for advice, cherry pick the responses you get to represent a strawman of negativity, insult the people you disagree with, then threaten to take your toys and go home? Hoooookay. I certainly have no advice for you beyond, dude, no matter which message board you stumble upon, that ain’t how they work. Caveat emptor and all that.
OP has yet tell us what his girlfriend’s reaction to his point of view was, other than she accused him of being jealous. Who knows if it ended there, I highly doubt it, as he came here seeking validation for his viewpoint, which he probably wouldn’t have done, if he had gotten it from her.
And at this point, I’ll bet money that the OP will never return. No guts, no staying power, introspection ability virtually nil, will not be back, at least not to post anything substantive beyond a shallow drive-by.
Relationship also on predictable due course for failure.
I don’t think there’s a right or wrong here. Everyone will have their own expectations and feelings.
Myself, I would feel slighted too. If I go out with someone, even with friends, I’d expect us all to stick together. Maybe I’m out of touch on the bar scene, but peeling away to talk to someone else for an hour . . . honestly, that sounds off. If I meet someone I somewhat know while out with friends, I’d have the impulse to introduce them to my friends and girlfriend. If we talked for longer than five minutes away from the group, I’d start feeling bad about abandoning my companion.
It’s not a matter of distrust; for me, it’s a matter of disrespect and lack of self-awareness.
I suppose it’s natural for me to think that others would think similarly, but they don’t. Maybe the dynamic I have with my friends is different, and with other couples or groups, a scenario like the OP described doesn’t faze them. I don’t fault them for thinking that way. We’re all wired differently.
I’d say it’s a case of incompatibility. If this happened to me, I wouldn’t think my girlfriend did anything wrong (especially after her explanation to the OP), but it would tell me we’re on different wavelengths.
If my bf did this to me, I would be upset and confused. Actually, I’d be upset if a platonic friend did this to me too, but that’s probably my introversion speaking.
The crime was not her merely talking to another guy. It was being intimate and exclusionary with another person, and then being dense about how this could be interpreted. The fact that you had to go over to them and introduce yourself to the guy underscores her thoughtlessness, because if she was thinking of you, she would’ve waved you over earlier. I also think she should have been scanning the room periodically to see if you were enjoying yourself. Usually friends and spouses are invested in each other’s emotions that way. If she not only became oblivious to you but indifferent to you, then that is something worth noting.
I would treat this as a warning flag. Maybe not grounds for flipping the table over, but a reason to not guard against infatuation. For some people her behavior is not that big of a deal, but if you think it’s a big deal, perhaps you’ve stumbled upon an incompatibility. Or maybe this isn’t a problem that a little communication and compromise can’t smooth out.
You take this message board very seriously. In fact, my interaction here makes me shallow and my relationship failed.
Did you ever wonder that perhaps I was looking for a diversity of opinions and do not take mine as gospel and that is why I came here? I’ve actually learned quite a bit, but I do not take every bit of advice equally seriously. Particularly, I placed less weight on those opinions that did not see any point I had whatsoever or how my reaction could be valid at all and not due simply to all my horrible personality flaw. Especially the ones that told me to dump her for her own good based upon this one thing that happened that bothered me. I purposefully sought anonymous advice so that people would not simply tell me what I wanted to hear. But I just can’t take some of you seriously. Many are implying that not only myself but the roughly 50% that agreed with me are totally out to lunch and basically socially retarded. And that is not the case based upon my life in general.
I disagreed with the opinions that to me were outside the norm or insulting. I might have gone a bit too far. My bad then and not the coolest thing I’ve done.
I don’t care if I have staying power at SDMB. This is not a microcosm of life, in case you didn’t know.
Fuck that shit. You two hadn’t even been dating two months. I’d say you had every reason to feel jealous. I know I would have been. I also think she’s just not that into you.
Let’s be clear about something: bars are where single people go to meet and where nascent couples go to socialize in a low-pressure situation.
Consider this guy she met once before: he’s at the bar alone, he’s single, he takes your girlfriend aside for an hour-long 1-on-1 conversation in which she probably never mentioned you.
This dude got a free mini-date at your expense. Does he now have her number? Do you think he’s gonna call her if and when you guys break up?
She’s obviously not head-over-heels for you. A girl wouldn’t abandon you for an hour if she really, really liked you.
You had one advantage over this dude-who-definitely-wants-to-bang-her: You’re the boyfriend. All you had to do was walk into her conversation, put your arm around her, and say “hey babe let’s roll in 15.” Then you establish control in the situation. Sitting there stewing away, while understandable, probably lost you a girlfriend.
I don’t think it was particularly rude of her to talk to someone else or that it absolutely has to indicate any kind of inappropriate relationship*, but if you two have different expectations about what’s acceptable and what is not, well, that’s what “trial” relationships are for, to find out! Now you have to decide whether to work through it or not; you’re the one who knows what your dealbreakers are.
For all we, or apparently you, know, it could have been about statistical data analysis, and that’s a real example of something about which I talk with a friend and that nobody else in our circle understands a word about. Should we refrain from talking about his latest publication woes unless we have set up a time and place beforehand so we can do it away from anybody who isn’t interested? If you and I were dating, and you heard I’d met a male friend for one-on-one lunch, would you have been less jealous, or would it have been even worse?
So, for those who find her in the wrong, you feel ‘disrespected’ by her engagement or enjoyment of conversation with another, while in your company? ( How dare she join into any conversation that doesn’t require her to constantly look back at me, to gauge if my ego can handle it!)
It’s ‘disrespectful’ because at no point is she manifesting an awareness of how this makes YOU feel? (Because it’s all about what you feel, that’s why there is no mention of how she may be feeling about said conversation, how could that matter?)
Yeah, that reasoning doesn’t make you seem insecure hardly at all. She’s your girl, not your subordinate! Oh wait, I think I see the problem now…