I visited my girlfriend at lunch today, and she was in tears. Her brother, just turned 18, went out and had his head shaved, his ear pierced, got a tattoo, and has made arrangements to get a motorcycle license. She pleaded with me to have a talk with him about all this, thinking he was trying to grow up too fast, but in my ultimate dumbdom, I sided with him. Hell, he’s 18, he should be able to do what he wants, within reason, and I don’t think any of this is outrageous in today’s society.
Should I have been on her side, and tried to “straighten him out”, or was I right going with my gut. She’s really upset, and I can’t convince her that he’s just “growing up”.
Let this be a lesson to ya’ parents. Aside from the tattoo let your kids get this out of their system while they’re stiil young. I’m betting this kids parents didn’t let him do any of this stuff.
B-Man, you’re right as right can be on this one. She’s scared for her brother, sure, but life is to be lived, and there’s no time like the present to do so.
There’s no “straightening him out” here, this is his path, and he needs to take it, and make his own mistakes, no matter what they are.
If his sister lords over him the potential tribulations of his chosen path, he’ll end up resenting her, and doing the same things anyway, without the measure of concern that comes with making your own decisions for your own reasons, rather than making your decisions for the sake of rebellion.
Despite the problems that are going to come with going against her on this, you’ve definately done the right thing.
Is the kid still in school? Whether he is or not, does he have a realistic game plan for life? Does he drink or drug heavily? Does he smell ok, and not like bile or speed? What’s a couple of tats and a bike if he’s still on track? He’s just sowing his oats.
I would probably get him into a Motorcycle Safety Foundation course though, and remind him to check out the tatoo parlor for sanitary technique.
That was my fight, buttonjockey308, but she’s being over protective in my eyes. I tried to explain the same things to her about him resenting her over this, and to just let it go, but she’s just really freaked about the whole thing.
And she’s crying, a lot. It’s weird.
But he’s a damn good kid, and heading into the Army this summer, so maybe that’s got something to do with all of it.
Be realistic. Shaved heads, piercings, and tatoos aren’t going to hurt him.
But you & your g/f should buy him a motorcycle helmet for a gift, and tell him it’s the same kind <insert name of some cyclist he admires> uses. And that he looks studly wearing it.
At least that might get him to wear a helmet on his cycle, so you
ve done something realistic to protect him.
Because I agree with you that you are unlikely to persuade him to quit all these things. They’re just the kind of things that young men do.
Be realistic. Shaved heads, piercings, and tatoos aren’t going to hurt him.
But you & your g/f should buy him a motorcycle helmet for a gift, and tell him it’s the same kind <insert name of some cyclist he admires> uses. And that he looks studly wearing it.
At least that might get him to wear a helmet on his cycle, so you
ve done something realistic to protect him.
Because I agree with you that you are unlikely to persuade him to quit all these things. They’re just the kind of things that young men do.
Lots of 18 year old guys are out there siring illegitimate children they have no intention of raising, spreading STDs and doing all sorts of really nasty drugs. A shaved head, a tattoo, a bike and an earring? Pfft. Big deal.
He’s probably just “going wild” in his own way because he knows this summer Uncle Sam will own his ass and it will be time to grow up. You’re right to stay out of this one, Bandana. Sounds like your girlfriend is overreacting in a motherly kinda way.
This isn’t about the brother. This is about your girlfriend, and her feelings. This is about you supporting her in her feelings. She was asking you for your support.
IMHO (and that is the name of the board, after all), you should have agreed to talk to her brother, but not to try to change his mind. Then, you should have talked to him. Make sure his head is on straight and that he is not on drugs or something. Then go and listen to your girlfriend’s feelings and concerns, and let her cry on your shoulder. Tell her what your brother said, without defending him to her. His life. You are not a go between. You are supporting her, listening to her, letting her get her feelings out. Let her know he is not on drugs, not being overly reckless though. Hold her. Listen to her. Support her.
Don’t try to “convince her” of squat. It is a good thing that she is concerned about her brother, and that she loves him… Tell her that. But she can’t change his behavior, and she needs to know that too. It is hard to love someone and watch them do something that you are concerned about, but can’t change. You can tell her that too. Telling people the fucking obvious is what support is, sometimes. Hold her, let her get her feelings out, and be there for her.
You asked for advice, you get it. Worth every damn penny.
You’ve pretty much nailed it, Snoopyfan, I think it is an overprotective sister/mother kind of thing for her. Their mother is pretty much not there, in a drunken parent kind of way, and she’s been his “guardian” since as long as she can remember. We had a loooooong talk this morning, and I showed her this thread, which helped. It’ll just take some time for her to get used to the idea that her baby is growing up.
Minnesota used to have one, but they removed it a while ago.
And now we have one state hospital filled with paralyzed, quadriplegic, and comatized motorcyclists. Many laying there like vegetables waiting to die. I’ve done work there, and it’s not beautiful at all!
Same with New Mexico. We were there for ten days and over the course of our visit the news reported four non-helmet wearing motorcyclists as dead at the scene of relatively minor accidents.
Here in Ontario (where we do have a helmet law), we get the occasional dead motorcyclist/passenger in the news, but certainly not 4 in ten days! Freaked us out a little (Sniffs_Markers has a motorbike, would never ride helmetless.)
As to the OP:
If the 18-yr-old is otherwise making good choices - not doing drugs, not being reckless, fighting, joining gangs etc. - then I don’t really see a problem. Getting upset over a pierced ear? Puh-lease! That’s nothing. Tattoo? Meh. Hopefully it’s tasteful and he won’t hate it by next year. His hair will grow back.
Well, if he’s going into the Army, he’s not going to have hair anyway. They’re not going to let him wear an earring in uniform, certainly – I don’t know the Army rules on this, I believe for the Air Force men aren’t allowed to wear an earring on base at all even if they’re in regular clothes, but off-base they can – and many, many, many guys in the military have gotten tattoos.
I understand worrying about a younger brother. Mine’s 19 and about to finish AF basic. You would not believe the relief I felt when he passed his PT testing.
Louisiana doesn’t have a helmet law either. I’ve been here a year and have seen a grand total of 16 helmeted people. I’ve seen several times that number of people on motorcycles. I’ve been on a motorcycle a few times, and while it’s fun, I simply can’t imagine doing it without a helmet, law or no law. I like the idea of giving him a helmet. Once he’s in the Army they will require him to wear it even if state law doesn’t, I’m sure.
When I was in my early 20’s, my hair was down to my ass and I had a pierced ear. I wore ratty tie dyed T-shirts and faded blue jeans. I drove a beat up old car that had all kinds of crazy stuff painted on it. I went to 20 or do Grateful Dead concerts a year. My mother was mortified. I still managed to get my Masters in Mechanical Engineering and land a great job.
One day my Mom was in a health food store. She had struck up a friendship with the owner. She was a real hippy hold out in the early 80’s. She lived in the Bay Area during the Summer of Love and was still living the part. The health food store owner told my Mom one day about her son. She was so disappointed in him. He had short slicked back hair, wore designer clothes, drove a beemer and worked as a stock broker.