I really am stumped as to why I was demonized for this. Please read and give me honest opinions. Mind you I am a stepmother to two teenagers 13 & 16 and…I am raising them. Along with their father. Their mother has not been the best mother in the past. Thats why they live with us.
Ok….here’s the situation.
Mothers day 2011 my husband went and picked up the girls from their mothers (it was her weekend with them) and brought them home. My oldest handed me a card from their mother. It was very nice. Said she appreciated all I do. I set it out on the table by my flowers from my hubby. I texted the girls mother right away and thanked her and told her it was appreciated. Fast forward more than 24 hrs……mind you the card has been upright and out for all to see.
I was cleaning up and took the card and put it in the trash. I don’t keep cards unless they are from the girls or my husband. Don’t keep my parents cards or friends cards. Really didn’t think it was a big deal. Monday the 16 yr old sees a corner of it in the trash (It was partway buried) and confronts me. I told her yes…I did throw it away but that I appreciated THE GESTURE . Now I am a pariah. The 16 yr old tells me I should have kept it cuz I keep all Their cards. The 16 yr old told our 13 yr old. The 13 yr old tells my husband (their father) and he comes in, in front of the girls, and says he wants to read the card their mother sent to me. Huh??? I turned to youngest and asked her why she was so upset about the card that was thrown away. Meanwhile I am Ambushed by my hubby. I felt ambushed. It’s just a card!!! Why does he care?? My hubby really hates her. There has been allot of water under that bridge. She is supposed to pay child support…doesn’t. This woman has pulled allot of nasty things. So many I cant and won’t go there. Anyway…I told youngest that although I appreciated it and did put it on display, I don’t keep cards. It’s not like I read it and tossed it right away!!! She told me I should have kept it like I keep their cards.
Forever….why ??? I explained that she, her sister & their father are my family. That’s why I keep theirs. Also, everyone seems to forget all of the nice things I have done for their mother. For instance, at Christmas I bought their mother, step sister & their cousin gifts from the girls. I do try with that woman but she always screws me in some way. Why would I keep that card….besides the fact that it is just a card and a gesture. Now I am hurt that I am ‘persona non grata’ and am having a hard time with my husband on this. He says I hurt the girls and I am selfish. I really did not mean to but this is ridiculous. My hubby and I aren’t speaking because I felt like he should not have confronted me like that. Why couldn’t he have just told our youngest that it was just a card and that it was out for all to see for a day. That they should not overreact.
I felt like he threw me under the bus on this one. I am so hurt. All I want now is to get out of this situation. I feel like such a bad person on one hand then I feel crucified on the other.
What do you think about all of this? Am I overreacting??? Am I a bad person for throwing away the card??? My hubby tells me that because I am hurt ‘it’s all about me’…….am I acting that way??? Like it’s all about me??? Am I losing it??? Things are REALLY bad right now. Kind of coming to a head.
Please give me your honest opinion of all of this.
I’m with you. But it may be worth noting that I’m a guy - even when my kids give me a card I’m asking myself how long I need to keep it and not hurt their feelings. I just don’t see the attachement. It’s the expression that matters to me, not the physical piece of paper.
Thanks for your opinion. I really didn’t do it out of spite. Just really didn’t think it was that big of a deal. I know the girls want us to be friends but we will never be one big happy family. Even if their mother started being the mother she should be.
Personally I understand where you are coming from (I toss cards too) but I do think you were a little insensitive to the girl’s feelings. Whether it’s realistic or not, they want everyone to live in Peace Love and Harmony, and they love their mother, and it was Mother’s Day. Tossing the card quickly probably felt like tossing their mom’s good intentions out (and I do think that biomom acted with good intentions). Is that rational? No. But you can’t expect a teenaged girl who is dealing with mom vs. stepmom on mother’s day to be rational all the time.
I am sure you are not in an easy situation and I am sure you meant nothing by it. However I can also see why they got emotional about it. Kids are going to be sensitive to rejections of their parents by stepparents, it’s just reality. It is really irrelevant to their present emotional state what you did for their mom last Christmas, I hope you can see that.
Take the card out of the garbage, explain you had no idea they felt as they do and meant nothing hurtful, tell them you won’t ever do such a thing again, keep the card.
I agree with you, not them, but you can clearly see they are all hurt by this, even if you didn’t intend that or they are being over sensitive.
It’s just a card, surely you can find room for it. This is not a hill worth dying on, in my opinion.
I would agree with you that there wasn’t any need to keep the card. BUT the girls didn’t see it that way.
This is their mother, she IS family to them. You only keep cards from family, but you didn’t keep this one, therefore you’re saying their Mom isn’t family. You just threw her away like trash. (These are emotions talking, so don’t expect rational.)
Obviously I don’t actually know what’s going on in their heads. I’m extrapolating from conversations with my step-daughter about her extended family (some members of which were causing problems with our family).
My advice would be to talk to the girls, and LISTEN to them. Let them tell you why they were so upset and agree that they had every right to be. Which they did - anyone has the right to whatever emotion they feel. Tell them that you weren’t thinking of things that way (“that way” being whatever their thinking was), but now you understand. Apologize for hurting their feelings and tell them that you didn’t mean to. I wouldn’t even try to explain your rationale, it’s not worth the battle.
Once you’ve gotten things a bit settled down with the girls, so that their feelings are no longer the issue, then deal with your husband. I agree that he ambushed you, which is bad. I agree that confronting you in front of the kids was very bad. So y’all need to deal with those communication issues.
Exactly what I was going to say. In this case, the feelings of the kids wins. Demonstrate that their feelings matter to you and you’ll be doing them a world of good. For the record, you did nothing wrong, but it’s like stepping on someone’s foot. You didn’t mean to, but your sorry they got hurt anyway.
No you are not a bad person. You did nothing wrong. You thanked their mother for the card which is all that you should have done. What did they expect you to do frame the damn thing? I can understand a “young” child being upset by throwing away the cards. The teens should be more mature about it.
You don’t have to keep it forever, but you didn’t have to throw it away that soon. That showed some insensitivity to the girls, and you actually are continuing to do so. No matter what your personal policy is about throwing away cards, you hurt their feelings. You didn’t mean to, but you did. I bet if you’d left it out for a week or so, then quitely disposed of it (or better yet, saved it with the other cards you do save…it wouldn’t kill you to make the girls feel good about their mom), then they would have forgotten all about it. I can totally understand why seeing their mother’s card sticking out of the garbage would hurt their feelings. Why can’t you? I’m with your husband, frankly. You hurt his kids’ feelings.
By the way, al stuff about “everything I’ve done for their mother” is pointless, self-serving bean counting. These are kids you’re talking about. Respect their feelings about their mother, don’t try to point at the scoreboard. They know what the score is. Why make them feel bad if you don’t have to? I think you have some sublimated issues with the ex here.
I have to confess that after re-reading the OP, I do see something rather passive-aggressive about it. The “it’s just a CARD” stuff is either completely disingenuous or utterly emotionally clueless.
Because teenagers are just paragons of rational thought and mature understanding, especially in a touchy blended family situation with a holiday thrown in.
Flabergasted, I’m sorry you’re in this bind, but try to see it from the girls’ perspective. It’s Mother’s Day, they’re missing their bio mother and happy that she made a nice gesture for you. They might not know, or if they know not care, that you’ve done favors for her or the issues between her and their dad. They’re seeing you throwing the card away as a rejection of her and pushing her out of “your family.” Then your husband got mad because his daughters are upset, and while he shouldn’t have blindsided you like that I can understand where it came from.
Fighting with your husband won’t solve this problem. The girls are mad at you for something you did; he can’t make the girls not be mad at you.
You didn’t do anything wrong. You, and your husband, have gotten caught up in some teenaged angst. That said, you should have taken the card out of the trash, explained that you didn’t realize it was that important to them and then kept the card forever. Only you know your real motive for ditching the card when you did.
When all this is over you need to have a talk with your husband about how you fit into the family. Your husband needs to not throw you under the bus in these step-parent situations. Sure, maybe you weren’t as sensitive as you could be in this case but then you aren’t an expert on proper etiquette of cards from evil ex-wives. Nobody is. You husband really, really needs to work avoiding the “me and my girls against you” situations. The card will soon be forgotten. The example he set that you aren’t a real part of the family will last a lifetime.
To the girls, it’s not “just” a card. It’s probably a concrete symbol of their mom’s attempt at bridge-building - maybe even more, like you’re rejecting part of them. To someone sentimental about such things, saying thanks and then throwing it away the same day might feel like you were lying about the sentiment, claiming to be touched by it but then eager to get rid of something from “that woman” ASAP. I know that wasn’t your intention, but being a teen can be tough, especially if you know one of your parents isn’t that great.
Talk it over with them. Apologize. Keep the card for a while. You’re not a terrible person - just weren’t thinking about the possible reactions to this.
Blended families are extremely complex and a little understanding and empathy goes a long way. There’s a whole world between “framing the damn thing” and a little sensitivity and a small act of kindness to these girls.
Exactly. The proper response when you discover that you’re hurt the feelings of a child is to sincerely tell them you’re sorry, and then try to fix the situation. And be glad that in this situation, fixing the situation is as easy as pulling the card out of the trash and tucking it in with the other cards you save.
See, this is one of the reasons I rarely give cards any more.
Yeah, I agree with the others that this isn’t the hill I’d die on. I’d pull the card out of the trash, apologize to the girls for unintentionally hurting their feelings, and have a chat with your husband about co-parenting.
Don’t miss the message your step-children are telling you here, too - that they appreciate your keeping their cards.
They plainly told you how much it hurt them, and you STILL insisted that throwing it away was right because it’s how you roll? Is this a battle worth fighting? Will you “win” if you get to throw it away?
