Stupid ignorant immature twit!!!!

The BBQ Pit
1

I never thought I’d be posting in the Pit, but since this is the place to vent, here it goes.

My ex-husband (and my daughter’s father) is getting married again, after 9 years of divorce. That’s fine, I want him to be happy (honestly) and I like the girl.

But girl is the operative word. My ex just turned 44 last week - the girl won’t be 19 until June!!! (Our daughter is almost 12.)

Ok, fine, I think it’s creepy, and have told him I am highly uncomfortable with the situation, and that I think it would be advisable for him to take his time on this march to the altar (which we DIDN’T do, and that’s much of why we’re divorced.) However, he’s set a wedding date for May 13 (yes, it’s Friday the 13th, they did it ON PURPOSE.)

Unless it harms my daughter, I’ve got no legitimate grounds for complaint. But today the little twit girlfriend proved she’s immature & has NO FUCKING CONCEPT of what she’s getting into.

She gave my daughter a Valentine’s Day present - fine. She also gave her a card… “To the best DAUGHTER” etc., etc.

MY GIRL IS NOT HER DAUGHTER!!! She’s not even fucking old enough to have a daughter my daughter’s age. She’s been living there for maybe a month, they’ve been dating since maybe Thanksgiving, and she has the FUCKING NERVE to give my daughter that card? It’s tacky, uncalled-for, and just downright ignorant.

She’s just playing house now, someday she’s going to wake up, wonder why she’s saddled herself with an “old man” husband and a teen-age kid and hit the street. She really just doesn’t understand AT ALL what she’s getting into.

And I like her, I do, she’s a nice GIRL, but that’s all she is. Hell, it seems half the time my ex is only using her as a babysitter he can fuck, but that’s not my problem.

But she has no right to assume anything other than a step relationship, and she’s much closer to a stepsister than stepmother.

And worst of all, it fucking HURTS to see her do this. I thought I was cool, could handle everything, and I can’t. That makes me almost madder than anything. I’ve been in relationships since the divorce, I really DO want him to be happy, but this FUCKING HURTS. And I can’t help it.

Stupid ignorant immature twit!!! :mad:

2

Actually, you’re being a bitter, immature bitch. The age of your husband’s wife-to-be is immaterial. She is to be commended for giving your daughter a Valentine to build a relationship. Keep this petty jealousy shit up, and all you will do is top reconfirm to your husband that he is well rid of you

This woman is not going to replace you, but she is going to be part of your daughter’s life, so get used to it. She is going to be her stepmother, so the to a daughter" card was not out of place.

And WTF is wrong with getting married on Friday the 13th? It’s just a day, and what business is it of yours anyway?

3

That would probably make me furious too. And it would hurt.

You are right, of course. She isn’t your daughter’s mother. You are. Your daughter knows that and the bride-to-be is probably just playing at the role.

But for your daughter’s sake, it’s better that she does that than that she tries to interfere in the relationship between the father and the daughter. Please just let it be.

Maybe over time they will develop a sisterly relationship. But technically, she is going to be the step-mother.

You aren’t going to lose your role or your daughter. There is only one you for always.

4

Indyellen, I understand how angry you are, and why. But she’s not going to take your daughter from you. You will always be her mom no matter what. Don’t fall into the trap of trying to compete with her. You don’t have to! Be secure in your relationship with your daughter. It’s the one thing no one can take away.

Listen. This young woman. It sounds like she’s very nervous, too. It’s hard being a step mom. There are standards you have to live up to, and you don’t even know what they are or how you’re doing. Usually not well. Plus, she’s very young, so I’m sure she’s probably a little worried and insecure when it comes to your daughter. Try not to judge her too harshly by your ex husband’s actions.

Your ex: as long as you are consumed by what he is doing, he is controlling your life. Not you. I know it’s hard, but you have to let it go. Unless he does something to hurt your daughter, it doesn’t matter. Yes, you still have a child together, and when it comes to what’s best for her, you both have to talk about it. But outside of that, it’s just not worth getting all worked up about. Trust me. From someone who’s been in that position. It is not worth it.

5

You’re furious. It’s normal. The new kid is seen as stepping in your territory. The choice of words in the card looked to you like you are being displaced (you’re not). What you feel is good old territorial instinct. Instinct is telling you to lash out and attack. Whether it is logical or not, that’s what you are feeling. Once you realize that, you can deal with it better and more calmly. She is not a threat.

6

I understand how you feel about the ‘daughter’ thing. My in-laws, before my engagement, required to be known as Doctor and Mrs. Upon engagement with their son, I was informed I would call them 'mum 'and ‘dad’. Uh. I have a mom and dad, thank you. I was, and am, forbidden to call them by their first names. She says people should be able to be called what they want to be called, regardless (I suppose) of what that implies about the relationship involved. I don’t like calling her ‘mum’ and I have never, and will never like it. But I will do it with my teeth gritted, because it’s not worth the explosion if I dare use her name.

My nephew calls my MIL ‘mommy’. Makes my skin crawl. He has a mommy, and she doesn’t like it either, but she either never hears it, or she’s afraid of setting the MIL off on a rant.

These things are very personal. I can appreciate what this young girl intends, but…it all reminds me a little too much of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, when Bill’s father marries the pretty girl from his grade, that all the boys have a crush on.

7

C’mon gobear she’s venting, cut her some slack.

My ex remarried on H’ween and while it was certainly none of my business either, I got quietly peeved at the time since it screwed up TOTing for my kid that year.

Better the psuedo-stepmonster that reads vapid magazine articles on blended families and tries too hard than the one that ignores the child and takes Daddy away, says I, but meanwhile yeah it’s tough to swallow.

8

You’re right, I was being too harsh. My bad.

9

I understand how you feel, and I can see where it can be infuriating, but consider that this girl is very young, very insecure in her position right now, and very unfamiliar with taking care of a child. If you really want your ex to be happy, my suggestion is that you swallow your anger and help the new wife learn how to be a (step)mother. Tell her that if she has any questions about anything to do with dealing with your daughter, to let you know. Make gentle suggestions (VERY gentle…if she thinks you’re being patronizing or condescending, you’re going to have problems that go beyond this aspect). Don’t begrudge her sharing your ex-husband’s time with your daughter. And gently suggest that her pushing the relationship too hard could cause your daughter to back away in discomfort.

10

First of all, good for you for venting here, and (I assume) not venting in real life. Second, you are going to keep your feelings about new step-mommy well hidden from your daughter, right? Cause she’s the one that has to develop a relationship with her father’s new wife, and she’ll more than likely take her cues from you -you’re her MOM.

At the risk of sounding like an armchair psychologist, what are you really mad about here?

11

As a parent with an ex who sometimes does annoying shit to twist my chain, I’ve learned to choose my battles, and not let people live inside my head-they aren’t paying enough rent.

12

Thank you,gobear, for that apology. I figured you spoke in haste. You’re normally not that “quick-draw”. :slight_smile:

I feel a little bit of fury in Indyellen’s words, but mainly because there’s a younger woman out there “attempting” to undermine her authority. Yeah, yeah…I’m playing armchair shrink here, but I’ve been here, as well, so I can understand this. Maybe not her authority, but her position.

Sugar, let me tell you, as young as this woman is, she cannot and will not replace (nor even attempt to replace) you. She’s just insinuating herself, because it seems to be the right thing to do at this time.

Just gloss over that card and that “daughter” statement". She is only trying to fit in. I honestly don’t think she’s trying to undermine you or anything else. She’s just trying to show a little awkward love.

I had a similar predicament (not so young a new wife, but close) and we ended up being very friendly. Just take everything in stride right now, and I am sure once they’ve all been together awhile, it won’t grate your nerves so badly. Trust me on this! :slight_smile:

13

Thank you all for understanding that I’m doing my venting HERE instead of in real life. I have certainly kept my feelings from my daughter, and don’t intend to share them. She’s not old enough to understand anyway, and I don’t want to interfere in the relationship that, whether I approve or not, is there and is going to be established.

I like the girlfriend/fiancee, and since my daughter is starting to hit puberty with a vengeance, I’m glad she has a live-in female to help her deal with it instead of just her dad. (My daughter lives with her dad due to a financial situation sprung on me almost 3 years ago - I wanted to make sure she was in a good, stable, safe environment.)

What I’m probably actually mad at, since you asked featherlou, is myself. I’m mad BECAUSE it bothers me. I’ve been married again since my divorce from her father, and perfectly oblivious to how it probably made my ex feel to hear my daughter call my second (ex)husband Dad. I’m ashamed of myself and my past actions, I’m ashamed of my cluelessness, and it’s a hell of a lot easier to get mad at externals than internals.

Part of the problem also I think is the SPEED at which everything is happening. I found out they were dating at Christmastime (which I said “great, he’s happy” and moved on), she moved in in January, and I was informed a week ago that they’re getting married in May. I haven’t had a hell of a lot of processing time.

When my father remarried I learned a lot from my stepmother about how to respect existing relationships - she VOLUNTEERED not to come to my first wedding so my mother wouldn’t be uncomfortable.

I really DO know I’m not being replaced. Today, it hurts - hurts almost as bad as anything else I’ve ever had to deal with. Tomorrow a little less (I hope) and maybe less as it goes on. I’ll have twinges, and probably still get mad from time to time, but it’s the way it is and I AM glad they seem to have a good relationship.

I simply wasn’t prepared to feel like I’d been hit in the face with a brick. Thanks all for listening.

14

And yes, gobear, thank you VERY much for the apology - I did understand your immediate reaction, but it means a lot that you apologized. Thanks.

15

Well, I’ve learned that the quickest way to deal with difficult emotions and let go of them is to acknowledge them, and it sounds like you’re doing that. Good for you.

16

I just wanted to say: 12 is old enough to understand. You sound like a good mother and probably already know this, but you’d be surprised how much kids pick up without ever even overtly saying it. Kids are very perceptive.

Good luck to you Indyellen, and good on you for being so brave.

17

I agree with you that she would be old enough to understand, but if my father (a family therapist) taught me one thing, it is that parents should not involve their children in these things.

I think though, Indyellen, that you’re already dealing with this in the most admirable way (I mean, wtf, 19!), and just come back here whenever you need to shout out.

We’ll respond with some warm hugs …

{{{IndyEllen}}}

By the way, how old are you? You maybe have a taste for something younger yourself? :smiley:

18

Hell, get two of them. Get a pair of 20 somethings. Twenty goes into forty a lot more than 40 goes into twenty :smiley:

19

Nonono, don’t involve her, I just meant she might already have picked tension up with you guys. I just meant to be extra sure to comfort her and love her, kids need it so bad. :slight_smile:

20

I’m 35. I appreciate the offer, Arwin, but I am happily involved with a wonderful 37 year old (who I usually refer to around here as Himself) with whom, ironically enough, my ex told me I should “wait and take [my] time” before marrying.
:wally

We’re waiting, but for our own reasons. My attitude has been “I might get married a third time, but I’m sure as hell not getting divorced a third time, so we’d better be damned sure before tying the knot.”

Thanks for all the hugs and support, guys. It’s appreciated. I knew I signed up to be a member for a good reason…