I completely understand how you feel about the card Indyellen. When my ex-husband remarried, his new wife wrote the kids a letter telling them about how “Daddy had been grouchy” with her but that she “still loved him” and ended the letter with “We love and miss you very much!!” I was irritated that she was telling my kids that she loved them and didn’t even KNOW them…and also that she felt the need to throw in the little part about her and my ex arguing.
She’d never MET my kids. I was mad…I was so upset I wanted to tear the letter into tiny pieces and make a voodoo doll of the bitch. For a while, I tolerated the relationship, 'til she gave me a real reason to dislike her. Now my dislike of her is completely justified, and when she writes them letters telling them how much she loves them I just roll my eyes and go about my day.
I think your situation might be a little different (in a lot of ways) but I understand how the card made you feel. ~hugs~ It’s going to be ok. Hopefully she can have a decent step-mom/step-daughter relationship with your daughter, and it will be just one more person in the world that you know LOVES your baby.
When a guy in his 30’s marries an 18-year old woman, he doesn’t think about how much change she’s about to go through. Between now and age 22 or so, she’s going to find out who she is and how she fits into the world. It’s not an easy transition for her, and it may be baffling for him. He’ll find out she’s no longer the girl he married. He might like that, or he might not. Try not to gloat if he’s divorced in 3 years.
Good point. By the same token she too will find that since she has changed, he may not be all that she thought he was. That girl’s going to to grow up rather quickly and it isn’t all going to be pleasant. I don’t envy her.
The points made by AskNott and Maureen also trouble me. Not only for the couple’s sake, but also for my daughter’s sake. Three years (or so) is more than enough time to get really emotionally attached to someone, and then to have it go away - which, without gloating or hoping - I can easily see happening.
I did try to warn him and point out that at 18/19 a person usually (I’m aware there are exceptions) doesn’t understand “forever” or the type of committment it takes to be married. In one ear and out the other. shrug Heck, when I married him (at age 23), I hadn’t figured out who I was and still had plenty of changes to go through. And Og only knows you can’t TELL anyone that age anything they don’t want to hear.
According to him, she has decided that she doesn’t want to have any children until after she turns 21. If she sticks with this, it may be a minor saving grace.
The most crucial part of all this is not how the new marriage works out. The hard part is how you deal with it around your daughter. Don’t be judgemental, even if it seems your ex is the One True Jerk Of The Twenty-first Century. She’s your daughter forever, regardless. Kids tend to assume, for no good reason, that divorce was their fault. Even if she never says so, you need to reassure her.
I’m speaking as a divorced parents’ kid, not as a divorcee.
She’s NINETEEN. Yeah, the “to my daughter” part was not quite proper, but how is a 19 year old to already know all the subtleties of relationships and the social niceties therein?
She tried, and made a positive, not negative choice. IMHO, be grateful that she WANTS to at least try to be some sort of mom rather than simply tolerate your daughter and do all she can to get out of anything to do with her like many step parents.
I understand your pain, but like someone said above I think your reaction to it is bitter. Understandably so, but still…
Maybe, especially since you already like the girl, and you are going to be in each other’s lives, you can gently help her understand things like this, and how to fit into your daughter’s life in a continuing positive way…
Look… if you think she’s a Stupid ignorant immature twit, then in this case I’d say there’s a 90% chance you’re right. 19 year’s old? That’s sick. I hope to God I can control my dick a little better than that when I’m an old man. :smack:
Some people are truly evil… and what I mean by that is that they do things that look innocent just to screw with your head. Ok, she sent a card to your daughter. Does your daughter hang out with this girl a lot… go do girl things at the mall? Hey maybe they do, maybe they don’t, but she’s either blond and is just excited about getting married and sent your daughter a card because she’s not thinking… or they might be screwing with you… in which case they’ve already sank your battleship.
My suggestion is to harden up… it’s just a card for one thing… and second the b1tch is 19 and marrying an old man… it’s not going to last… and if it does it will be for the wrong reasons. It’s all stupid and for the wrong reasons to begin with…. Just pull up a chair and get amused!!!
Other people’s stupidity is sickening, granted… just don’t get sick.
I want to applaud you for venting your frustrations here and keeping your daughter out of it. I’ve been dating my S.O. for almost four months, we practically live together and I still haven’t met his daughter, for the sole reason that her mother is a psycho and would raise all sorts of hell. She’s already told her daughter that I hate children and told the S.O. that he’d better keep their daughter the hell away from me. Obviously, she cares more about herself and her feelings than her daughter’s overall emotional well-being.
It’s a scary situation for a woman to be in, especially when your daughter lives with them, full-time. It’s a freaking mine-field and you consistently have to tip-toe around, wanting the daughter to like you, but not too much, because you don’t want anyone to think you’re trying to replace the mother. Every decision (such as buying a card for a holiday) needs to be carefully thought out to avoid hurting anyone’s feelings or stepping on anyone’s toes.
I think you’re dealing with this admirably well considering the circumstances. I hope that you’ll continue to cut the girl some slack, and attempt to look at these types of situations through her eyes before reacting too harshly.
As a child of a bitter divorce and many years of hostility between parents, I’d like to thank you on behalf of your daughter for venting here and keeping her out of it. I know it will be hard, but for her sake, continue to make the effort. As bad as some parts of my childhood were, I’m slowly discovering things that my parents did to keep me insulated from some of it, and I’m grateful.
I do, however, think you’re misinterpreting the actions of this woman. Although I don’t call her “Mom,” my step mother has long intruduced me as her son, and birthday cards and such things have been “to my son,” as long as I can remember. I’m sure that this young woman is making a sincere but slightly misguided effort to be a part of your daughter’s life, and is not trying to usurp your place.
Just an update for those of y’all who’ve been following along; I’m doing much better. It certainly doesn’t hurt as much today as it did Sunday when I posted - it’s not over yet, I’m not that naive, trust me. But I am better.
My parents divorced when I was 15 after 23 years of marriage. My father remarried within 2 months of my parent’s divorce - today I sent flowers to he and my stepmother to celebrate their 20th wedding anniversary.
I have always had a policy of not bad-mouthing either my daughter’s father or my second husband in front of her. And as someone reminded me when my second marriage broke up (not of my doing), their [either ex & daughter] relationship is THEIR relationship, not mine, and I have no right to dictate what course it should take. This rule would, of course, follow in my daughter’s relationship with her stepmother - regardless of how long I think it will last or how much of a stupid idea I think it is. So, on the good days, I deal with it that way.
On the bad days, I rant here - or elsewhere my daughter won’t have to hear/see it. Part of what had me so angry before was not just that the fiancee doesn’t understand the “niceties” of blended families, but that it BOTHERED me. I keep liking to think I’m open minded and understanding…but apparently not as much as I thought.
I did, however, apologize to my mother for not previously understanding how much it hurt HER to listen to me talk about my stepmother (or to hear my daughter call my stepmother Grandma.) BTW, I’m not here to discuss whether or not my mom is right to be offended/hurt by that - different topic ENTIRELY.
So, that’s an update for this week…I still appreciate all the supportive words and ideas - and the criticisms that make me THINK about what I do. Thanks all.
This can be an excellent opportunity for personal growth, if you keep asking yourself WHY it bothers you. Then, when your sub-conscious spits out that answer, ask yourself why that is, and keep asking yourself “why” until you get to your truth. You’ll know it when you hit it - if you’re like me, you’ll probably start crying and feel like a load is lifted when you’re done.
Randomly, there was a local radio call-in show with a rep from Hallmark (headquarted here). A woman called and lamented the fact that there were no “to my step-kid/step-parent” cards.
I was going to complain about this. I’ve been trying to find a card for my step-dad for 12 years now and I still haven’t found them. Also, why aren’t there any foster-parent cards? I loved my last set of foster parents but I couldn’t ever find and appropriate card for them.
