Opinions on offer to watch grandchild

[delphica]

PERSONALLY, I loved having my baby go to Gramma’s because I thought it was a good idea to introduce a flexible lifestyle early on. And if my mom had been close enough to take her every week, I would have jumped on that! So I think you have made a very generous offer.

Of course, your daughter is her own person and has her own reasons for doing things. I am wondering if perhaps she is nervous about having the baby in the car that frequently – when you’re researching car seats prior to the arrival of the baby, you see A LOT of disturbing accident reenactments. And while this might not be a rational fear, it could be a powerful one.

[Missy2U]

@monstro

Hopefully, you will have 18+ years to help out with the baby. Assuming your daughter isn’t impoverished, finding someone to take do home childcare is a relatively easy task compared to all the other things she’ll be asking favors for in the future. You have your boundaries too, and this is as good a time as any to stand firmly on them. The fact that she is “picky” about whom comes to whom indicates that she’s not in a desparate situation.

Exactly this.

[Little_Bird]

Do you have guns? I would not allow my child to be in a house with guns. Is your house in good repair? Do you smoke? Do you have animals?

There are a lot of reasons why someone might not want their child to be at your house. Have you asked specifically why they would rather the child not be there?

[Grotonian]

Your offer is generous and reasonable.

I have no criticisms of your and your wife’s parenting, save one; you failed to teach your daughter the adage: Beggars Can’t Be Choosers!

[Dangerosa]

I also want to chime in on the generous and reasonable offer you made. Given your constraints (working from home, wife coming home at 2:00) it seems VERY generous. And congrats on the grandchild. I don’t see you much around here anymore, and I’m always interested in your life.

[Tom_Tildrum]

I recommend dropping any references to her “low-paying job.” It comes across as disrespectful and gives the impression that you disapprove of her working outside the home now that the baby is here.

[Urbanredneck]

Not a baby issue but with a toddler I remember when our first one was little we rarely even took him over to MIL’s house because she had all these expensive antiques and doodads (think Faberge eggs) all over the house on low shelves just waiting for a toddlerto grab. We were constantly asking her to move them and her response was “why can’t I have nice things and have them the way I want?”. And “you need to teach them to be respectful”. Well I got tired of constantly holding them down and just refused to go visit her. She finally got the hint and moved them but only after numerous other grandkids come onto the scene.

I think also there is the sense of control of “my house, my rules”.

[Dendarii_Dame]

Don’t be surprised if your daughter changes her mind after a while and is willing to have the baby at your house on Mondays.

[Jophiel]

I think your offer is generous (free child care!) and while I empathize with the desire to have it in their home, I don’t believe you need to change your offer or that you’re being unreasonable.

My first thought about why they’d object to traveling to your home is that it will lengthen or otherwise disrupt their work commute but, hey, for free child care they can drive a little further (spoken as a parent of two).

[dada2fish]

As a mom with very little family help, can you be my kids grandparents? I think, if everything you say is accurate, your daughter has been offered a great deal.

I would take that drive every Monday if I was offered FREE childcare from people who love my child as much as I do.

Your daughter is facing going back to work after having a baby and I’m sure she’s feeling anxious, guilty and a bit sad about it. She’s adjusting to a difficult new chapter in life, so give her a break if she’s being a bit quirky.

I think clear heads will prevail and she’ll take your great offer.

What is the alternative? Driving & picking up her child from a paid babysitter’s home/ daycare or having a non-family member in her home while she’s not there? No thanks.

Your grandchild is fortunate to have 2 sets of grandparents willing to help out.

[Dinsdale]

@Tom_Tildrum

I recommend dropping any references to her “low-paying job.” It comes across as disrespectful and gives the impression that you disapprove of her working outside the home now that the baby is here.

I guess I can see that, and intended no disrespect or disapproval. I highly respect her chosen work as a children’s librarian. And I understand the difficulties of paying for childcare. I guess one of the many factors we considered was what level of costs would we be willing to bear to enable her to work at a job that pays slightly above minimum wage. On a purely economic basis, rather than disrupt our schedules or agree to an ongoing commitment. We might be better off just paying her the equivalent of her wages to enable her to be a stay at home mom. (No, we never considered that.)

I guess I need to think if that is a bias on my part, if I would feel differently if she had a higher paying job. But, each of us makes countless choices, and one of hers was to pursue her current career rather than a higher paying job her degree would allow. Like I said, I respect and applaud her choice, but once she made it, she has to play an active role in addressing the results.

At present it looks like we won’t be needed. As I understand, they are seeing if SIL can work from home on Mondays, and use leave for the afternoons. I’m surprised his job would allow that, but if they can work that out and that is what they want to do, more power to them. I guess we’ll see what is needed to cover on an as-needed basis. We’ll watch the babe (in our house) on the first day back to work, when hubby will be out of town.

Here’s a niggling little thing, tho - as of yet, my daughter has not thanked us for making the offer. I know, that is a minor thing, and she’s got a TON going on. But damn, when I do something I think generous and supportive, I have to admit that I notice and it kinda gets to me if I don’t even receive a passing “Thanks.” Reminds me of a time we took this daughter and hubby out for dinner - Outback, daughter’s fave. Afterwards, my wife and I realized that neither of them had thanked either of us. But then if you mention it, you come across as petty. Thought I raised all my kids to say Please and thank you better than they seem to … But, if that is their greatest shortcoming, I’d say we’re doing just fine.

[Dendarii_Dame]

@Dinsdale

Here’s a niggling little thing, tho - as of yet, my daughter has not thanked us for making the offer. I know, that is a minor thing, and she’s got a TON going on. But damn, when I do something I think generous and supportive, I have to admit that I notice and it kinda gets to me if I don’t even receive a passing “Thanks.”

Don’t be surprised if you get more appreciation once her kid is old enough to forget to say “Thanks” to her.

[Dangerosa]

@Urbanredneck

Not a baby issue but with a toddler I remember when our first one was little we rarely even took him over to MIL’s house because she had all these expensive antiques and doodads (think Faberge eggs) all over the house on low shelves just waiting for a toddlerto grab. We were constantly asking her to move them and her response was “why can’t I have nice things and have them the way I want?”. And “you need to teach them to be respectful”. Well I got tired of constantly holding them down and just refused to go visit her. She finally got the hint and moved them but only after numerous other grandkids come onto the scene.

I think also there is the sense of control of “my house, my rules”.

We had that problem with my mother in law. A house that wasn’t REMOTELY childproof (for us, antiquities, not Faberge eggs - nothing like your two year old breaking a vase 1000x older than she is). Now they are teens and she wonders why they don’t spend more time with her.

[even_sven]

I think your offer is very generous.

I also think this conversation isn’t about childcare at all. You clearly have some feelings you’ve been holding back about your daughter and her choices. You need to address those directly, rather than using childcare as a proxy. If you communicate directly, you may be able to express what you are feeling and strengthen your relationship. If you keep trying to make the point the way you are, you risk magnifying tensions, and you rope an innocent child who you love on to a fight that isn’t their own.

Talk to your daughter. Tell her what you are really upset about.

[Honey]

nm

[raspberry_hunter]

@Dendarii_Dame

Don’t be surprised if you get more appreciation once her kid is old enough to forget to say “Thanks” to her.

This. In general I started appreciating my parents a LOT more once I had a kid.

But cut your daughter some slack right now. If the baby was born in June and she’s getting ready to go back to work, she’s probably not getting enough sleep right now to be anything but a total fruit loop, much less remembering to say please and thank you.

(my baby is going through the five-month sleep regression right now ahhhhhhhhh if I can type coherent sentences I count the day a win)

[Carryon]

You made a reasonable offer. She now has a choice, accept it or arrange for alternate accommodations.

You’re not doing anyone any favors by bending over backwards. Suppose you die. Then what? Your kid would have to do things for herself. Again, you have to help children not do things for them.

There’s an old saying, “When you bend over backwards to please someone, you will see things upside down.”

[CairoCarol]

@Dinsdale

Reminds me of a time we took this daughter and hubby out for dinner - Outback, daughter’s fave. Afterwards, my wife and I realized that neither of them had thanked either of us. But then if you mention it, you come across as petty. Thought I raised all my kids to say Please and thank you better than they seem to … But, if that is their greatest shortcoming, I’d say we’re doing just fine.

In situations like that, I always say, as the evening winds down, “Thanks so much for the company - we had a great time with you tonight.” 99 times out of a 100, the response will be, “oh - well, thanks so much for inviting us. It was really nice of you to take us out to dinner.”

Then you either have the thank you that you were looking for, or proof that the dinner guests are clods of the first order and you never need invite them out again

[edwardcoast]

@Dinsdale

I’ll try to keep this short.

My daughter and her husband had a child in June. My daughter is preparing to return to work this month. She will work mostly evenings and weekends, and from noon to 9 on Mondays. She lives 2 suburbs away but works in our suburb. It is a 10 minute drive, maybe 20 in traffic. The husband/father works days, and gets home around 5:30.

Her husband’s parents live in the same burb as my daughter. They have offered to watch the baby during the weekday evenings until the father gets home, but could not do the Mondays. The Mondays were the most difficult time for my daughter to arrange childcare. We would have been very happy and able to watch the baby from 4-5:30 Monday-Thursday.

We told our daughter we’d be willing to watch our grandchild on the Mondays. I work at home Mondays, and would be able to handle the first couple of hours by flexing my lunch, and my wife would be available from 2 on. However, we told her that we wanted to do it in our home, rather than us driving to their home.

We were a little surprised at the strength of my daughter’s expressed preference in response that she preferred that we travel to their home, rather than them bringing their daughter to our home. We left the conversation with her saying she would discuss it with her husband. We weren’t expecting her to gush over the generosity of our offer, but we thought we were not being selfish in what we proposed, and were a little surprised that she did not welcome it more readily.

Yes, we understand that it takes more effort to transport a baby than an adult, but we are prepared to obtain a portable crib and provide other necessities for caring in our home, and think it is not unreasonable for the parents, rather than the caregivers, to do the travel.

I’m very content with what we have offered, and don’t feel any great desire to explain/convince/argue with my daughter and her husband. Nor do I really want to commit to a considerably greater commitment to care for their child on a regular basis. My suspicion is that some element of her response reflects the emotions of a new parent facing the prospect of leaving her child when she returns to work.

Just wondering what humble opinions you all might have.

She should have gushed over the generosity, no joke. Perhaps you aren’t getting very good treatment from her in general and she is such an ungrateful person, you have been conditioned to believe you don’t believe a heart felt gush of appreciation over this is deserved in your direction. This is just wrong to me.

Even if you both were retired and did nothing but watch re-runs of Gilligan’s Island on TV all day…it is still very kind of you to make any type of offer to help out. After all, you already raised a family and this should be your time and more importantly you need to have control over your time and be happy too. It can’t be just all about her. Maybe it was when she was a child, but she’s an adult now and needs to understand that your offer needs to be on your terms and if she can’t accept them, she can always pay for childcare.

[Bad_News_Baboon]

Your daughter works noon-9pm. Husband 8-5. The in-laws are watching baby evenings Tuesday - Friday evenings(?). Where is the baby the rest of the time?
I’m sorry if I’ve missed this.